I've been trying to concentrate on my dry homework reading for a few hours now and I can't. I must have something on my mind.
Of course I do. I always do. I was thinking that today was my last day in my "writing every day for a month" thing, but actually yesterday was. I counted wrong, but whatever. It seems I have more to say anyway even if I've already fulfilled my last obligation to myself.
I'm glad it's over, because time is growing more and more scarce while school is in session. I'll be laying low until mid-December. I've learned, I think, what I was meant to. And I've noticed a few things:
--Writing every day means poorer quality in general, with a few exceptions every once in a while;
--It's a lot harder to edit when you're just trying to crank thoughts out;
--Because of these two things, it's more vulnerable to put something out every day because it's not your best.
Valuable lessons/observations, I think. I'm glad I did this, it was right.
So, there's that on my mind and then there's one more thing....
I had a FaceTime visit with a friend in Alaska. I can hardly call her just a "friend" she's essentially my sister as we've been through a lot more together that I care to elaborate, but all that to say she knows me well.
I was apologizing to her for being so unresponsive and hard to get a hold of lately. I told her I felt like I've "dropped off the face of the planet" since law school started. Most of the time it's just easier to keep in touch with people on the surface, resorting to little texts or pictures or Facebook and such rather than really keeping in touch with those who know you deeply. Those conversations are longer, and more profound, naturally.
She laughed and told me not to worry.
"You've done a good job loving us, Traci, no one doubts that they're important to you. It's okay if you can't respond, we get it."
I actually could not have known until I heard this that I kind of needed to hear that. For two reasons, in fact. First, I have been feeling guilty. I feel as if I am a world and a half from where my head and heart were when I left Alaska and I've been having trouble reconciling that. Second, I needed to hear someone tell me I'd loved well.
This is why:
Frankly, for all the crazy places I go and stuff I do--academic or not--I want to be known for one thing above all: that I loved well. Sure, I'm getting my law degree and who knows where God's taking me and where I'll end up living eventually, but someday when I'm gone I want to be remembered by how well I loved, not by my accomplishments. Really, even now I want that to be the first thing that comes to mind when someone thinks of me. Because that's "to live is Christ, to die is gain."* Who cares what school I go to and for what.
Make no mistake, the kind of love I'm talking about is not the kind that always gives "warm fuzzies." I'm talking about the just kind of love that points love's object in the right direction. The kind of love that will do what it takes to see people come to the life they are meant to have. The kind of love that desperately and sacrificially wants to see His Kingdom come and His Will be done.** The kind of love that will do whatever it takes to see that happen.
The kind of love that leaves a taste for Eternity in your mouth...so that you'll never be satisfied until you taste that whole, beautiful banquet of the Ever After that awaits every one that dares to open, read, and accept the invitation. The kind of love that's not really about me. The kind of love that's real.
I think it's safe to say that Emily had not contemplated all of this when she so generously validated me this afternoon. And it's safe to say I've not entirely lived up to my aspirations by any means. But the encouragement made me think again about that which I want my life to be most deeply marked. My soul echoes:
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing...."***
If I study the laws of men and of nations, if I read the words of minds great and greater, if I have knowledge, if I have resource, if I have possessions...but know not how to love well with, it's all for naught.
Wow...yeah I guess I had some stuff on my mind. With that, I'm signing off for a while, probably. My personal journal needs some attention now. And so do my studies.
*Philippians 1:21
**Matthew 6:10
*** I Corinthians 13:1-3
Of course I do. I always do. I was thinking that today was my last day in my "writing every day for a month" thing, but actually yesterday was. I counted wrong, but whatever. It seems I have more to say anyway even if I've already fulfilled my last obligation to myself.
I'm glad it's over, because time is growing more and more scarce while school is in session. I'll be laying low until mid-December. I've learned, I think, what I was meant to. And I've noticed a few things:
--Writing every day means poorer quality in general, with a few exceptions every once in a while;
--It's a lot harder to edit when you're just trying to crank thoughts out;
--Because of these two things, it's more vulnerable to put something out every day because it's not your best.
Valuable lessons/observations, I think. I'm glad I did this, it was right.
So, there's that on my mind and then there's one more thing....
I had a FaceTime visit with a friend in Alaska. I can hardly call her just a "friend" she's essentially my sister as we've been through a lot more together that I care to elaborate, but all that to say she knows me well.
I was apologizing to her for being so unresponsive and hard to get a hold of lately. I told her I felt like I've "dropped off the face of the planet" since law school started. Most of the time it's just easier to keep in touch with people on the surface, resorting to little texts or pictures or Facebook and such rather than really keeping in touch with those who know you deeply. Those conversations are longer, and more profound, naturally.
She laughed and told me not to worry.
"You've done a good job loving us, Traci, no one doubts that they're important to you. It's okay if you can't respond, we get it."
I actually could not have known until I heard this that I kind of needed to hear that. For two reasons, in fact. First, I have been feeling guilty. I feel as if I am a world and a half from where my head and heart were when I left Alaska and I've been having trouble reconciling that. Second, I needed to hear someone tell me I'd loved well.
This is why:
Frankly, for all the crazy places I go and stuff I do--academic or not--I want to be known for one thing above all: that I loved well. Sure, I'm getting my law degree and who knows where God's taking me and where I'll end up living eventually, but someday when I'm gone I want to be remembered by how well I loved, not by my accomplishments. Really, even now I want that to be the first thing that comes to mind when someone thinks of me. Because that's "to live is Christ, to die is gain."* Who cares what school I go to and for what.
Make no mistake, the kind of love I'm talking about is not the kind that always gives "warm fuzzies." I'm talking about the just kind of love that points love's object in the right direction. The kind of love that will do what it takes to see people come to the life they are meant to have. The kind of love that desperately and sacrificially wants to see His Kingdom come and His Will be done.** The kind of love that will do whatever it takes to see that happen.
The kind of love that leaves a taste for Eternity in your mouth...so that you'll never be satisfied until you taste that whole, beautiful banquet of the Ever After that awaits every one that dares to open, read, and accept the invitation. The kind of love that's not really about me. The kind of love that's real.
I think it's safe to say that Emily had not contemplated all of this when she so generously validated me this afternoon. And it's safe to say I've not entirely lived up to my aspirations by any means. But the encouragement made me think again about that which I want my life to be most deeply marked. My soul echoes:
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing...."***
If I study the laws of men and of nations, if I read the words of minds great and greater, if I have knowledge, if I have resource, if I have possessions...but know not how to love well with, it's all for naught.
Wow...yeah I guess I had some stuff on my mind. With that, I'm signing off for a while, probably. My personal journal needs some attention now. And so do my studies.
*Philippians 1:21
**Matthew 6:10
*** I Corinthians 13:1-3
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