I don't ever want to know who I am. I mean, I want to be self-aware and know things about myself, but I don't ever want get stuck being who I am long enough to really know who I am.
I want to be ever-changing. I want to be ever-growing. I want everything about me to be channelled for the better. What's amazing is that even my personal pitfalls, I know, if overcome can be strengths. This is what I want.
I never want to be coward enough to avoid transformation. I never want to shy from personal, mental, spiritual growth. I want to learn to take difficulty--how ever great or small--and use it to stretch myself and appreciate it for its capacity to enable, if not catalyze self-amelioration.
I don't ever want to fully know who I am. A lofty ideal, so true. But still, one I think I must hold. The challenge is to stay focused on this. I fail, fall, so often. But I'll never quit getting up, I think. Does this even make sense?
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
For the first time in my life....
You know, for the first time in my life--that is, since I ever really had realistic and self-aware plans for my future--my ultimate motivation is no longer to end up in Europe. I realized this just this week during a couple of conversations with some friends.
Ever since I began to get serious about my French studies (High School) my plan was to live in Europe someday and maybe for the rest of my life. I've always felt that way. I've always itched for new experiences, languages, and places. I dreaded the idea of a 9-5 existence speaking English for the rest of my life. That was the alternative in my mind. (Extremist? What?)
I was talking to Karissa the other day and the subject of "settling down" came up. Karissa, Abby and I want to move to Boulder, CO. I told her that when we did, that would be "it" for me. I think she was a little surprised.
I want to teach French. I realize that I'm only (nearing) 24, but when I look back on my past experiences and endeavors and pursuits and at what I loved the most, two things come to mind. I never felt more alive than when I was one, teaching foreign language (even Spanish, which is my least favorite language that I speak), and two, in Italy, speaking and "being" ;-) Italian. I feel like I know what I'm good at and passionate about: there is nothing like watching your students put together sounds, then words, then sentences in another language and watching them light up in understanding that they are beginning to communicate in another tongue and then realizing that you taught them. Amazing. I want to teach French. How Italy fits in with that, if at all, remains to be seen. Hm.
A year ago Abby started talking about all three of us (and whoever else, who knows...) moving to Colorado after she and Karissa finished school. At first I was agreed that it would be cool, but reticent that it was the "right thing", because I always knew that I'd move to Europe as soon as I could. But, I started to think about it. Then, as she and I began to talk about it, she confessed that she wanted to travel before she "settled down" (there's that pair of words again) and so we promptly decided to take a trip around the world before we moved.
Still, reticence. Never a missed beat about the trip around the world, but still about Colorado. It was still in the US. But, after graduating from college and choosing the seasonal-job-so-you-can-travel lifestyle over that of the previously mentioned 9-5 existence and coming to the realization that my gifts and passions did not call me to wait tables for the rest of my life (at least the single part of it) I began to think about what I did want to do.
The conclusion was, obviously, that I want to teach. I love it. I love languages and I love the way teaching allows me to invest my self in people's minds and lives.
I know that I can't teach French without a M.A. And, interesting enough, whenever we would talk about Colorado, the city of Boulder always resonated in me with more comfort--if that's even the word--than any other place we ever talked about. And, strangely enough it's a college town. The University of Colorado at Boulder has an awesome French department, where, if I gain some kinesthetic linguistic experience (more on that later) I can apply for a scholarship and stipend to teach lower division French at the school while I aquire an M.A. in the language. (!)
I'm getting increasingly excited about the whole thing. I want to do it. Boulder, CO, much to my surprise--no, borderline shock--is feeling more and more "right" and that's the direction I'm headed. 100%. It might get changed, things happen, but one must be heading somewhere in order to even be able to be sidetracked, right?
But I think this will be it. I think Boulder will be me settling down for a bit. Who knows. This Fall we're leaving for a few months to travel the world. I'll then go back to Alaska for another summer and then I'll go get that immersion/teaching experience that I need in France for a school year. I'll then (perhaps) do Alaska again and then head to CO for my next degree. I'm excited.
And then I have no idea from there. I'll teach I suppose. But I'll be something like 28, and maybe ready to "settle down". Maybe in Italy. Just kidding. On verra: que sera, sera.
I'm so hopeful and excited about what's ahead of me and these plans that we, I have. And I'm amazed and humbled a bit at how they've evolved from the original ultimatum that I had to be European (haha) as soon as I possibly could. I still wouldn't be surprised if I ended up there at some point. We'll see. But what's changed, really, is that for the first time ever, I'm OK with not being there, and am even ecstatic about what that may mean for me here in the States. That's awesome, I think.
And I can't wait.
Ever since I began to get serious about my French studies (High School) my plan was to live in Europe someday and maybe for the rest of my life. I've always felt that way. I've always itched for new experiences, languages, and places. I dreaded the idea of a 9-5 existence speaking English for the rest of my life. That was the alternative in my mind. (Extremist? What?)
I was talking to Karissa the other day and the subject of "settling down" came up. Karissa, Abby and I want to move to Boulder, CO. I told her that when we did, that would be "it" for me. I think she was a little surprised.
I want to teach French. I realize that I'm only (nearing) 24, but when I look back on my past experiences and endeavors and pursuits and at what I loved the most, two things come to mind. I never felt more alive than when I was one, teaching foreign language (even Spanish, which is my least favorite language that I speak), and two, in Italy, speaking and "being" ;-) Italian. I feel like I know what I'm good at and passionate about: there is nothing like watching your students put together sounds, then words, then sentences in another language and watching them light up in understanding that they are beginning to communicate in another tongue and then realizing that you taught them. Amazing. I want to teach French. How Italy fits in with that, if at all, remains to be seen. Hm.
A year ago Abby started talking about all three of us (and whoever else, who knows...) moving to Colorado after she and Karissa finished school. At first I was agreed that it would be cool, but reticent that it was the "right thing", because I always knew that I'd move to Europe as soon as I could. But, I started to think about it. Then, as she and I began to talk about it, she confessed that she wanted to travel before she "settled down" (there's that pair of words again) and so we promptly decided to take a trip around the world before we moved.
Still, reticence. Never a missed beat about the trip around the world, but still about Colorado. It was still in the US. But, after graduating from college and choosing the seasonal-job-so-you-can-travel lifestyle over that of the previously mentioned 9-5 existence and coming to the realization that my gifts and passions did not call me to wait tables for the rest of my life (at least the single part of it) I began to think about what I did want to do.
The conclusion was, obviously, that I want to teach. I love it. I love languages and I love the way teaching allows me to invest my self in people's minds and lives.
I know that I can't teach French without a M.A. And, interesting enough, whenever we would talk about Colorado, the city of Boulder always resonated in me with more comfort--if that's even the word--than any other place we ever talked about. And, strangely enough it's a college town. The University of Colorado at Boulder has an awesome French department, where, if I gain some kinesthetic linguistic experience (more on that later) I can apply for a scholarship and stipend to teach lower division French at the school while I aquire an M.A. in the language. (!)
I'm getting increasingly excited about the whole thing. I want to do it. Boulder, CO, much to my surprise--no, borderline shock--is feeling more and more "right" and that's the direction I'm headed. 100%. It might get changed, things happen, but one must be heading somewhere in order to even be able to be sidetracked, right?
But I think this will be it. I think Boulder will be me settling down for a bit. Who knows. This Fall we're leaving for a few months to travel the world. I'll then go back to Alaska for another summer and then I'll go get that immersion/teaching experience that I need in France for a school year. I'll then (perhaps) do Alaska again and then head to CO for my next degree. I'm excited.
And then I have no idea from there. I'll teach I suppose. But I'll be something like 28, and maybe ready to "settle down". Maybe in Italy. Just kidding. On verra: que sera, sera.
I'm so hopeful and excited about what's ahead of me and these plans that we, I have. And I'm amazed and humbled a bit at how they've evolved from the original ultimatum that I had to be European (haha) as soon as I possibly could. I still wouldn't be surprised if I ended up there at some point. We'll see. But what's changed, really, is that for the first time ever, I'm OK with not being there, and am even ecstatic about what that may mean for me here in the States. That's awesome, I think.
And I can't wait.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Reflections on the year gone by. And the one before it.
2007 was quite a year. The last two years actually. I remember the beginning of the year 2006. Funny to be talking about it in 2008, eh? Anyway I remember telling God as a New Year's "Resolution" that in one year, at the beginning of 2007 I wanted to be in a different place. The three years prior had all looked the same, I had been in a spiritual, relational, and emotional rut that was not healthy at all and I was finally willing to take the steps to move out of it. I had no idea.
At the beginning of 2007 I was speechless. I could do nothing but silently thank God for how far I had come and marvel at where I had ended up in just 12 months time. I had new and amazingly quality friends, I had begun to break out of a horribly "religious" mentality (and percieve what a legalistic mentality had done to me), I had moved out of my parent's home to live with the (my) Knight's, and I had then moved up to Portland to finish my Bachelor's degree on December 6th, 2006, and then I moved back home with Mom and Dad. This is just the tip of the iceberg, really. There's so much more. And it was hard. But it was the growing and therefore good kind of hard, I guess. Though it may not seem like much, the gravity of all the change in my life and how God had honored my decision and request to finally be something different was humbling to me. I was so grateful.
Then, this last year started out amazing. I kicked of the year by flying to Europe to meet Karissa and do a whirlwind 3 week tour of the continent which will go down in my personal history as one of the "times of my life" ;-). I then worked part-time until May when I moved to Alaska to work for the summer.
Alaska turned out to be one of the hardest times of my short little life so far. The three categories I mentioned before were at issue: spiritually, relationally, and emotionally, Summer 2007 was a very singular experience for me. It took me the rest of the Fall to process and glean and be blessed with "fruit" of the summer that did not come from my life, but His in me. So amazing. I remember at one point sitting in on of the stairwells of the train on which I worked (and worked and worked....) and asking God if He remembered his promise to make his power perfect in my weakness. What a question, huh? I told Him with a very humbled attitude that He'd better come through, because I had nothing. No personal resources in any facet, it felt, from which to draw. I don't know if that even makes sense, but I can tell you that He came through. I'm still awed when I look back on it all. And I've come out on the other side of things more aware of who I am and want be. Priceless, no?
I lived with one of my dear friends for the Fall of 2007, and moved out on the last day of the year. I worked at a Starbucks around the corner and got a part-time glimpse of the ugliness of the suburban yuppy consumer mentality that lacks relationship in the area where I lived. It was angering and sad. I quit and finished up at the store by the end of the year.
Living with Natalie was a whirlwind in it's own way too. We had company off and on the whole three months and even took a trip to see friends in Dallas, TX for one weekend. So much fun.
Rooming with Nat, too, was another step in remembering that I'm not a kid anymore and that our decisions every moment at this stage in life vastly shape our near and far off future. With or without anyone else in it. She's been and going through more that I can even begin to bear for her, even though I wish I could. She'll always be one of my heroes, I think. And the thought that in any given instant I could be just as suddenly thrust into similar and/or grave circumstances as she is sobering. I think God knows that I could never be as graceful as she in suffering. And I've seen her bad moments. I love you, Natalie.
I loved living with her. And it felt like so many great things were happening while I was in Portland for the time being. I had begun to volonteer at a local non-profit "cafe" with another close friend, and I loved sitting at Franklin High School on Sundays listening to Rick McKinley speak and the whole Imago Dei vibe. Yet I felt I was supposed to move on.
The plan had always been to do something else come January 2008 (namely go work in Hawaii), but I vascillated so much on the issue. I guess that's typical for myself.
After a heartfelt and much needed conversation with an incredibly caring friend (Abe you rock) I knew I needed to quit Starbucks. I put in my two weeks, spent hours on craigslist and sent out a buttload of resumes to who knows where all.
New Year's Eve I got an e-mail from Grand Targhee. Karissa and Abby and I were planning a trip to come out her (to Idaho) anyway, so I had sent in a resume and application just to throw it out there. We were leaving on Thursday the 3rd of January and I aquired a position at the resort on Wednesday the 2nd. I made a billion phone calls (and I'm SO not exaggerating....), lined up housing, packed to move and left the next day. One word: CRAZY!
But awesome. I'm sitting here in the employee housing for the resort, which is probably the nicest place I've ever lived, in my own room and bathroom (a roommate could move in at anytime, but who knows when) and once more wondering at all of the events that have happened in the last year and fact that I'm here. Who would have ever imagined. Not me.
I'm just hanging on for the ride, it feels. I love it. I've grown so much and have become so much more comfortable with change--though it's not perfect yet. He's brought me so far. For those of you that pray, pray I never stop jumping out on these insane and proverbial "limbs" that are outside (if not nowhere in sight of) my comfort zone and that I never stop living in faith that it's going to be worth it and better in the end. And not to mention exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I know. It's easier said than done, right?
At the beginning of 2007 I was speechless. I could do nothing but silently thank God for how far I had come and marvel at where I had ended up in just 12 months time. I had new and amazingly quality friends, I had begun to break out of a horribly "religious" mentality (and percieve what a legalistic mentality had done to me), I had moved out of my parent's home to live with the (my) Knight's, and I had then moved up to Portland to finish my Bachelor's degree on December 6th, 2006, and then I moved back home with Mom and Dad. This is just the tip of the iceberg, really. There's so much more. And it was hard. But it was the growing and therefore good kind of hard, I guess. Though it may not seem like much, the gravity of all the change in my life and how God had honored my decision and request to finally be something different was humbling to me. I was so grateful.
Then, this last year started out amazing. I kicked of the year by flying to Europe to meet Karissa and do a whirlwind 3 week tour of the continent which will go down in my personal history as one of the "times of my life" ;-). I then worked part-time until May when I moved to Alaska to work for the summer.
Alaska turned out to be one of the hardest times of my short little life so far. The three categories I mentioned before were at issue: spiritually, relationally, and emotionally, Summer 2007 was a very singular experience for me. It took me the rest of the Fall to process and glean and be blessed with "fruit" of the summer that did not come from my life, but His in me. So amazing. I remember at one point sitting in on of the stairwells of the train on which I worked (and worked and worked....) and asking God if He remembered his promise to make his power perfect in my weakness. What a question, huh? I told Him with a very humbled attitude that He'd better come through, because I had nothing. No personal resources in any facet, it felt, from which to draw. I don't know if that even makes sense, but I can tell you that He came through. I'm still awed when I look back on it all. And I've come out on the other side of things more aware of who I am and want be. Priceless, no?
I lived with one of my dear friends for the Fall of 2007, and moved out on the last day of the year. I worked at a Starbucks around the corner and got a part-time glimpse of the ugliness of the suburban yuppy consumer mentality that lacks relationship in the area where I lived. It was angering and sad. I quit and finished up at the store by the end of the year.
Living with Natalie was a whirlwind in it's own way too. We had company off and on the whole three months and even took a trip to see friends in Dallas, TX for one weekend. So much fun.
Rooming with Nat, too, was another step in remembering that I'm not a kid anymore and that our decisions every moment at this stage in life vastly shape our near and far off future. With or without anyone else in it. She's been and going through more that I can even begin to bear for her, even though I wish I could. She'll always be one of my heroes, I think. And the thought that in any given instant I could be just as suddenly thrust into similar and/or grave circumstances as she is sobering. I think God knows that I could never be as graceful as she in suffering. And I've seen her bad moments. I love you, Natalie.
I loved living with her. And it felt like so many great things were happening while I was in Portland for the time being. I had begun to volonteer at a local non-profit "cafe" with another close friend, and I loved sitting at Franklin High School on Sundays listening to Rick McKinley speak and the whole Imago Dei vibe. Yet I felt I was supposed to move on.
The plan had always been to do something else come January 2008 (namely go work in Hawaii), but I vascillated so much on the issue. I guess that's typical for myself.
After a heartfelt and much needed conversation with an incredibly caring friend (Abe you rock) I knew I needed to quit Starbucks. I put in my two weeks, spent hours on craigslist and sent out a buttload of resumes to who knows where all.
New Year's Eve I got an e-mail from Grand Targhee. Karissa and Abby and I were planning a trip to come out her (to Idaho) anyway, so I had sent in a resume and application just to throw it out there. We were leaving on Thursday the 3rd of January and I aquired a position at the resort on Wednesday the 2nd. I made a billion phone calls (and I'm SO not exaggerating....), lined up housing, packed to move and left the next day. One word: CRAZY!
But awesome. I'm sitting here in the employee housing for the resort, which is probably the nicest place I've ever lived, in my own room and bathroom (a roommate could move in at anytime, but who knows when) and once more wondering at all of the events that have happened in the last year and fact that I'm here. Who would have ever imagined. Not me.
I'm just hanging on for the ride, it feels. I love it. I've grown so much and have become so much more comfortable with change--though it's not perfect yet. He's brought me so far. For those of you that pray, pray I never stop jumping out on these insane and proverbial "limbs" that are outside (if not nowhere in sight of) my comfort zone and that I never stop living in faith that it's going to be worth it and better in the end. And not to mention exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I know. It's easier said than done, right?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)