Interesting. I guess this is it.

So I guess...this is it.

I came to Italy with so many questions and I've been here 2 months, almost, and have not gotten the answers I sought.

Instead, true to my Savior's form, I have gotten other answers, and a resounding reminder of who is God. Newsflash: it's not me.

This is my list of questions, I believe, that I previously enumerated:

1. Why I’m even in Italy.
2. Why I’m in law school—when I hate it.
3. What You’re doing with my life.
4. And God, that You haven’t forgotten about me.

And this is the list of answers I've gotten:

1. I AM.
2. I AM.
3. I AM.
4. I AM.
5. AND THAT IS ENOUGH.

Ouch. But...wow. 

I knew that there was a possibility that God was allowing me to come here to answer this question that I've had since I was 18 years old of "am I supposed to be in Italy?" And I knew that there was the distinct possibility that the answer to that question may be: NO.

So I guess...this is it. I guess, I don't know, maybe I will be back but I guess this summer was not supposed to be about me getting all of my little head's dreams fulfilled, but rather my heart getting re-centered and reminded of WHO is God and that I am actually created for satisfaction in Him, not for the realization of my dreams.

When did I get so off track? I don't really know.

I gaze at these few words and I'm amazed at how many thoughts, emotions, tears, and prayers fill in the lines and spaces between everyone of these characters and words. There's so much more to what I'm saying right now, but I don't feel like I can write about it on here. I guess there are still some things that are too personal right now.

But that's okay, because the point is that I know who is God. The point is that I know what He has done in me...and I think that's what I ultimately came to Italy for.

He had given me the word "intimacy" for this year, and that's what He's doing--and that's what I'm going to keep praying for. Deeper still, and more intimacy with Him.

I mean, if I'm really, really searching for that "thing" I'm created for then--this is it, right?

Make it so, Lord. And then take me home, and may I be satisfied that this is, apparently, not the place I'm supposed to be. 

But thank You, for knowing your daughter well enough to know that she had to GO to get that question's sound response.

Thank you.

If You're going to Kill: Kill Systemic Hate

My heart bleeds for my country when, I learn from my friends overseas that we are known for this: making war. We are good at this--and now we're destroying ourselves and the democratic institution that we also killed to build. They shake their heads and ask me if I've seen what's going on and if I can explain: I can't.

I'm speechless.

There's no logic to all of this. My nation is also known for getting involved in other peoples' conflict worldwide and we think that we are promoting an ideal of "freedom" in places that need it...but a house divided cannot stand. America has vowed to fight terrorism, but we're terrorizing ourselves.

I'm pro-LIFE, I'm pro-DUE PROCESS. I'm pro-COP, and pro-BLACK. I'm pro-TRUTH. 

And I'm pro-JUSTICE. Make no mistake, justice and law are two different things. The law is merely a (often inadequate) means to arrive at some semblance of justice--but the only way to fill in the blank between law and justice is the only thing that can effectively see the grey and nuances of every situation: love.

Please go shoot some of that back into this bleeding world and go have the courage to gaze someone in the eyes and know that a soul like yours exists in them, regardless of what color they are or wear.

...

When terror claims where peace should reign
Despair finds company there.

Where "hope" seems but a hollowed out sign
with no significance to spare

The hard faced question drills its way
then, back into position:

Is there horizon and what does it mean
for sight seems a sole solution.

If the senses cannot process this,
or verify existence

How can that distant line remain
Mid terror's plaguing instance?

The line called distant is actually there,
By virtue of terrestrial curve

Even if terror's impenetrable night
cannot lucidity serve.

So then is hope, a matter of will,
Or a choice in perspective due,

For somehow horizon always dawns
After nightfall's interminable hue.

Hope exists like earth's round way,
though the senses may not perceive

Hope's purpose or nocturnal mode
of operation wholly unseen.