So, I’ve been home for about 3 months now.
As usual, in some respects it has crept by and in others it has flown. I’ve found myself thinking a lot recently about what I was doing a “year ago today” or “two years ago today” and I’m not entirely sure why. I don’t necessarily tend to live in the past, so I think it might be a mechanism to measure how far I’ve come or how much I’ve “grown” or changed in a certain about of time. I’ve come to realize how much worth I find in that kind of thing, and while it may be valuable and important and very much a driving impetus of mine (to grow and change), I do not want it to be the source of my self-worth. How to change that I do not yet know. Right now the issue is simply committed to prayer. It just sounds like something that’s gonna hurt. Period.
That said, a year ago today I was sitting in on the different classes at my school in Rosny sous bois, France and getting acquainted with how public school works in that country. I was living in a hostel, and in tears on the streets wondering if I would be bed and hostel hopping for 9 months and what I was going to do with myself when all of my “aid” (i.e. Karissa) and visitors left me to brave the big city of Paris all by myself.
I remember feeling like the “rest of my life” would start after Paris. Like, once I got that out of the way then life could move on and maybe I could be “normal” for a bit. I realized today that I still--3 months after being back--feel like I’m waiting for the “rest of my life” to start.
It’s interesting to realize that I feel this way, because in my head I do not believe this. I believe that life is NOW and how you choose to handle the NOW. The “rest of one’s life” does not have an 8-5 schedule and benefits and two weeks off a year. I do not know when it was that I began to subscribe to the notion that it does, but I want it eradicated-- especially if I do happen to end up with that kind of a lifestyle for a bit!
The fact that that value shifted just a little bit tells me that the source from which I desire to draw my security and self worth has changed for me. While it’s natural to change with “age” (I want to be careful throwing THAT word around) and for values to shift, I don’t ever want my source of security and self-worth to waver.
This I have been learning about. I came back to America and my life here after a hard year and I’m still sorting through how much I’ve changed due to my international experience, but also probably the entire year before it. Two years ago today I hesitated before getting on the airplane to move back up here indefinitely to Alaska. I may have left for a while to go live somewhere else for 9 months, but if home is truly “where the heart is”, my home has been here for two years now....weird.
I’ve been realizing in the last couple weeks that some of the “romance” of being up here has worn off a bit, I had missed the nature so much and my life and my friends up here and now that I’m back into the swing of things, I’m remembering all of the less easy and/or less than perfect things about all of the above. But, it feels good. For the first time in a long time has come a resolute feeling of I’m in this for the long term. I’m not going anywhere this time. I’m still, of course, looking for the next adventure, but my geography is pretty certain for a while and therefore many of the relationships around me. That feels good.
I’ve realized that that is “the rest of my life” for now. Even though I’m working at a coffee shop and a French restaurant and will be for probably another few months, the rest of my life has already started and never really has been out of my reach. The rest of my life is in reality the sum of my days just lived out in the present: regardless of my geography or profession.
I have to say that every time I get on any social network (including whichever one you’re reading this on) I am reminded that my life situation looks very different right now than many of my friends my age (read: single and childless) AND an increasing number of my acquaintances much younger than me. This sometimes makes me feel crazy, sometimes smart, sometimes inferior and sometimes just plain old different, but usually a combination of two or more of these..... (Depends on my mood).
I had long had a short mental list of goals that I wanted to accomplish before quote on quote “settling down”. After moving to Paris and back, this list is officially accomplished and in my past. Weird. I think a part of me is struggling without these goals anymore because I tend to THRIVE on goals, but it feels really, really good too. And in a sense my life is before me.
Funny too how this fact has reintroduced some old dreams of mine. I’ve found myself mulling over again the idea of law school. I’ve been thinking of revisiting my gymnastic days and grabbing some friends to go and tumble at a local gym. It’s just funny. I want to learn to fence and have considered taking music lessons again....interesting.
I’ve changed. A lot. I’m not sure how to handle that fact but it’s inevitable and overall good. A part of this change includes a lot more doubt about my strengths and who I am and blah, blah, blah...but bottom line is that I am living out the rest of my life right now and it’s not about arriving it’s about traveling well.
That I can do. I’ve traveled a lot. And I have a Perfect Traveling Partner. :)
And that’s my ramble for now....
