So, I’ve been home for about 3 months now.
As usual, in some respects it has crept by and in others it has flown. I’ve found myself thinking a lot recently about what I was doing a “year ago today” or “two years ago today” and I’m not entirely sure why. I don’t necessarily tend to live in the past, so I think it might be a mechanism to measure how far I’ve come or how much I’ve “grown” or changed in a certain about of time. I’ve come to realize how much worth I find in that kind of thing, and while it may be valuable and important and very much a driving impetus of mine (to grow and change), I do not want it to be the source of my self-worth. How to change that I do not yet know. Right now the issue is simply committed to prayer. It just sounds like something that’s gonna hurt. Period.
That said, a year ago today I was sitting in on the different classes at my school in Rosny sous bois, France and getting acquainted with how public school works in that country. I was living in a hostel, and in tears on the streets wondering if I would be bed and hostel hopping for 9 months and what I was going to do with myself when all of my “aid” (i.e. Karissa) and visitors left me to brave the big city of Paris all by myself.
I remember feeling like the “rest of my life” would start after Paris. Like, once I got that out of the way then life could move on and maybe I could be “normal” for a bit. I realized today that I still--3 months after being back--feel like I’m waiting for the “rest of my life” to start.
It’s interesting to realize that I feel this way, because in my head I do not believe this. I believe that life is NOW and how you choose to handle the NOW. The “rest of one’s life” does not have an 8-5 schedule and benefits and two weeks off a year. I do not know when it was that I began to subscribe to the notion that it does, but I want it eradicated-- especially if I do happen to end up with that kind of a lifestyle for a bit!
The fact that that value shifted just a little bit tells me that the source from which I desire to draw my security and self worth has changed for me. While it’s natural to change with “age” (I want to be careful throwing THAT word around) and for values to shift, I don’t ever want my source of security and self-worth to waver.
This I have been learning about. I came back to America and my life here after a hard year and I’m still sorting through how much I’ve changed due to my international experience, but also probably the entire year before it. Two years ago today I hesitated before getting on the airplane to move back up here indefinitely to Alaska. I may have left for a while to go live somewhere else for 9 months, but if home is truly “where the heart is”, my home has been here for two years now....weird.
I’ve been realizing in the last couple weeks that some of the “romance” of being up here has worn off a bit, I had missed the nature so much and my life and my friends up here and now that I’m back into the swing of things, I’m remembering all of the less easy and/or less than perfect things about all of the above. But, it feels good. For the first time in a long time has come a resolute feeling of I’m in this for the long term. I’m not going anywhere this time. I’m still, of course, looking for the next adventure, but my geography is pretty certain for a while and therefore many of the relationships around me. That feels good.
I’ve realized that that is “the rest of my life” for now. Even though I’m working at a coffee shop and a French restaurant and will be for probably another few months, the rest of my life has already started and never really has been out of my reach. The rest of my life is in reality the sum of my days just lived out in the present: regardless of my geography or profession.
I have to say that every time I get on any social network (including whichever one you’re reading this on) I am reminded that my life situation looks very different right now than many of my friends my age (read: single and childless) AND an increasing number of my acquaintances much younger than me. This sometimes makes me feel crazy, sometimes smart, sometimes inferior and sometimes just plain old different, but usually a combination of two or more of these..... (Depends on my mood).
I had long had a short mental list of goals that I wanted to accomplish before quote on quote “settling down”. After moving to Paris and back, this list is officially accomplished and in my past. Weird. I think a part of me is struggling without these goals anymore because I tend to THRIVE on goals, but it feels really, really good too. And in a sense my life is before me.
Funny too how this fact has reintroduced some old dreams of mine. I’ve found myself mulling over again the idea of law school. I’ve been thinking of revisiting my gymnastic days and grabbing some friends to go and tumble at a local gym. It’s just funny. I want to learn to fence and have considered taking music lessons again....interesting.
I’ve changed. A lot. I’m not sure how to handle that fact but it’s inevitable and overall good. A part of this change includes a lot more doubt about my strengths and who I am and blah, blah, blah...but bottom line is that I am living out the rest of my life right now and it’s not about arriving it’s about traveling well.
That I can do. I’ve traveled a lot. And I have a Perfect Traveling Partner. :)
And that’s my ramble for now....
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Coming Home
It’s weird being back. Except I feel hypocritical saying that. One thing that I’ve concluded this year is that there is no such thing as “normal” or “weird”: there is “healthy” and “unhealthy” and “customary” and “uncustomary” but really no normal/weird. That said, it’s weird being back.
I knew culture shock would hit me, but I didn’t know what it would look like. I actually thought I’d have a harder time adjusting back to the States than I have. I experienced so much this last year that there is a lot there to process. And I’ve begun to do so in my own way, I suppose, but I can’t say that I’ve been truly “shocked” since I’ve been home.
There are still things that are hitting me. I find myself saying “that is so American” a lot. I have a far deeper appreciation now for what it means to be American and even to live where I do in the States. I’m still head over heels in love with the mountains and nature that surrounds me and I feel even more appreciative of it after being removed from it. I kind of thought that the way I felt about Alaska would change over the year, but it hasn’t. I’m back and back indefinitely....as long as I can find a job! That feels good.
The stuff that has struck me shouldn’t surprise me, I suppose. And it doesn’t really. The other day I was blocked from entering a grocery store for a moment because the people in front of me were so overweight. The thought crossed my mind that that would never have happened in Europe. I’ve begun “snacking” again and then kicked myself for it. I miss the walking everywhere and the wonderful food and wine and cheese. Everybody is very loud here, but there are fewer people in general so it’s OK. There are much stricter parking rules here and sometimes I find myself genuinely doubting my English. I’m much more conscious of how the US fits into the “World” setting and find myself much more interested in the news. (Part of this is that I deactivated my Facebook account and have more time and mental energy to do so...more on that later). I was a little dumbfounded listening to my friends’ “drunk” stories the other day...I’d forgotten about that. I’m loving and hating both being back in my own culture and society that I understand so much better. I love and hate that I can once more fairly accurately pick up on undercurrents in conversations and non-verbals and am keen to interpersonal dynamics in relationships. It’s nice to be back to that, but hard in it’s own way. But then, that’s just life. I’m remembering that too.
Because I have experienced so much this year, I find myself talking about little things here and there and different countries and stories that sometimes probably seem unrelated to the topic of conversation or whatever (though the correlation makes perfect sense in my mind) and then I wonder if I sound like a show off or a snob....I hate it, but I’m also a verbal processor and so it’s hard to keep it to myself sometimes. Thankfully I have some very patient friends.
I feel like these encompass probably the majority of the nuances of what I’m going through in transitioning culturally. I have to say I thought it would be “worse” if you will, harder and deeper than it has been so far. But, I’m not really complaining!
I guess maybe this could mean that I had such major culture shock moving over to France that I never really recovered as long as I was there and now I am just back to where I was before I left....I don’t know. Geography would suggest this (that I am back to where I was) but I’ve changed. Not all for the good either.
In the last couple weeks I have been most shocked by the insecurities that have been unearthed in me in coming home. I’m not sure if they’ve been there a while and I just haven’t dealt with them, or if they really are new or just heightened by being gone or what. It’s been really hard to A) realize and B) deal with. I haven’t really yet.
I’ve come back to the States emotionally drained, but in a different way that when I left. It’s funny. I’ve come back feeling (here’s a little transparency here, brace for it....) older, uglier, more alone and attention deprived. I know some of this is just due to being away from my established community and my family while being overseas, but I really really hate feeling emotionally needy. It feels like I deal with one area (or think I do) and then another one is unearthed.....I don’t know how to describe it or how to remedy it. Except turn to God. So much easier talked about than accomplished, however. It’s so much quicker to turn to human community to fill that need, but then it’s so dissatisfying in the end. I’ve found myself once more asking myself what kind of woman do I want to be and what I’m going to do on a daily basis to get there. Tearfully. Not an easy question to answer. And being at such a huge crossroads in my life doesn’t necessarily provide any more clarity there, either. I feel like my life could take any direction right now and that fact is as equally scary as it is exciting.
In light of all this, I’ve also been reexamining a lot of relationships in coming home. Every time I come back to somewhere from somewhere else, relational dynamics change--this I have learned. I expected this to happen in coming back here to Alaska, but I haven’t completely figured it out yet. There is a natural ebb and flow to relationships in life and I’ve learned to more and more embrace this. And this time around I just want to let it happen instead of trying to manipulate it. But it’s been hard.
I deactivated my Facebook page. I really hate how childish that looks in print compared to what a big deal it actually is in my life. But, that is, I suppose precisely why it had to go for the moment. Social networking is a double-edged sword. I began to realize how, due to my current season of dealing with insecurities, I was beginning to look to it more and more for validation and attention....UGLY and HUMBLING. I’m sure I’ll be back on there at some point, but for the moment it actually feels really good. And gives me a slightly clearer head. There are some relationship reasons too, but that’s still too hard to write about. I thought I’d be over it in getting back here, but I’m not. It’s tough to be patient with myself in process, I’m not a very patient person. But, that’s what He’s always trying to drive home for me. I need it.
On a lighter note, I’ve “played” more up here in Alaska in the last month than I think I have all of the last 4 summers I’ve spent up here put together! Hiking, mountain biking, kayaking, shooting, more hiking and more kayaking and lots of people to do it with....I love it. I’m loving not being on the train this summer, and I don’t miss it a bit. I love that the “train” era of my life has now become the reason I came up here in the first place but no longer why I’m here. I also love many of the relationships that were born out of that season of life, but I equally love that not working with those relationships anymore deepens them.
I’m waiting to hear more about a job that is hopefully opening up soon in the Governor’s Office of International Trade in Anchorage. They won’t be hiring for a bit so I think I’m going to go sell tickets at the Alaska State Fair in the interim and pray my bills get paid with that income. I’m staying with two dear, dear friends who are a godsend in their generosity to put me up until I get settled. It has been really, really humbling to need help financially. They have been wonderful.
I miss my family, my visit home was far too short. I hope I can go home to Oregon for Christmas. But, just like most things in my life right now, I’m going to just have to wait and see if that will be possible. I’m praying I learn another little piece of the puzzle in the “be still and know” journey. It’s hard. But, all in all it sure is good to be home. :)
I knew culture shock would hit me, but I didn’t know what it would look like. I actually thought I’d have a harder time adjusting back to the States than I have. I experienced so much this last year that there is a lot there to process. And I’ve begun to do so in my own way, I suppose, but I can’t say that I’ve been truly “shocked” since I’ve been home.
There are still things that are hitting me. I find myself saying “that is so American” a lot. I have a far deeper appreciation now for what it means to be American and even to live where I do in the States. I’m still head over heels in love with the mountains and nature that surrounds me and I feel even more appreciative of it after being removed from it. I kind of thought that the way I felt about Alaska would change over the year, but it hasn’t. I’m back and back indefinitely....as long as I can find a job! That feels good.
The stuff that has struck me shouldn’t surprise me, I suppose. And it doesn’t really. The other day I was blocked from entering a grocery store for a moment because the people in front of me were so overweight. The thought crossed my mind that that would never have happened in Europe. I’ve begun “snacking” again and then kicked myself for it. I miss the walking everywhere and the wonderful food and wine and cheese. Everybody is very loud here, but there are fewer people in general so it’s OK. There are much stricter parking rules here and sometimes I find myself genuinely doubting my English. I’m much more conscious of how the US fits into the “World” setting and find myself much more interested in the news. (Part of this is that I deactivated my Facebook account and have more time and mental energy to do so...more on that later). I was a little dumbfounded listening to my friends’ “drunk” stories the other day...I’d forgotten about that. I’m loving and hating both being back in my own culture and society that I understand so much better. I love and hate that I can once more fairly accurately pick up on undercurrents in conversations and non-verbals and am keen to interpersonal dynamics in relationships. It’s nice to be back to that, but hard in it’s own way. But then, that’s just life. I’m remembering that too.
Because I have experienced so much this year, I find myself talking about little things here and there and different countries and stories that sometimes probably seem unrelated to the topic of conversation or whatever (though the correlation makes perfect sense in my mind) and then I wonder if I sound like a show off or a snob....I hate it, but I’m also a verbal processor and so it’s hard to keep it to myself sometimes. Thankfully I have some very patient friends.
I feel like these encompass probably the majority of the nuances of what I’m going through in transitioning culturally. I have to say I thought it would be “worse” if you will, harder and deeper than it has been so far. But, I’m not really complaining!
I guess maybe this could mean that I had such major culture shock moving over to France that I never really recovered as long as I was there and now I am just back to where I was before I left....I don’t know. Geography would suggest this (that I am back to where I was) but I’ve changed. Not all for the good either.
In the last couple weeks I have been most shocked by the insecurities that have been unearthed in me in coming home. I’m not sure if they’ve been there a while and I just haven’t dealt with them, or if they really are new or just heightened by being gone or what. It’s been really hard to A) realize and B) deal with. I haven’t really yet.
I’ve come back to the States emotionally drained, but in a different way that when I left. It’s funny. I’ve come back feeling (here’s a little transparency here, brace for it....) older, uglier, more alone and attention deprived. I know some of this is just due to being away from my established community and my family while being overseas, but I really really hate feeling emotionally needy. It feels like I deal with one area (or think I do) and then another one is unearthed.....I don’t know how to describe it or how to remedy it. Except turn to God. So much easier talked about than accomplished, however. It’s so much quicker to turn to human community to fill that need, but then it’s so dissatisfying in the end. I’ve found myself once more asking myself what kind of woman do I want to be and what I’m going to do on a daily basis to get there. Tearfully. Not an easy question to answer. And being at such a huge crossroads in my life doesn’t necessarily provide any more clarity there, either. I feel like my life could take any direction right now and that fact is as equally scary as it is exciting.
In light of all this, I’ve also been reexamining a lot of relationships in coming home. Every time I come back to somewhere from somewhere else, relational dynamics change--this I have learned. I expected this to happen in coming back here to Alaska, but I haven’t completely figured it out yet. There is a natural ebb and flow to relationships in life and I’ve learned to more and more embrace this. And this time around I just want to let it happen instead of trying to manipulate it. But it’s been hard.
I deactivated my Facebook page. I really hate how childish that looks in print compared to what a big deal it actually is in my life. But, that is, I suppose precisely why it had to go for the moment. Social networking is a double-edged sword. I began to realize how, due to my current season of dealing with insecurities, I was beginning to look to it more and more for validation and attention....UGLY and HUMBLING. I’m sure I’ll be back on there at some point, but for the moment it actually feels really good. And gives me a slightly clearer head. There are some relationship reasons too, but that’s still too hard to write about. I thought I’d be over it in getting back here, but I’m not. It’s tough to be patient with myself in process, I’m not a very patient person. But, that’s what He’s always trying to drive home for me. I need it.
On a lighter note, I’ve “played” more up here in Alaska in the last month than I think I have all of the last 4 summers I’ve spent up here put together! Hiking, mountain biking, kayaking, shooting, more hiking and more kayaking and lots of people to do it with....I love it. I’m loving not being on the train this summer, and I don’t miss it a bit. I love that the “train” era of my life has now become the reason I came up here in the first place but no longer why I’m here. I also love many of the relationships that were born out of that season of life, but I equally love that not working with those relationships anymore deepens them.
I’m waiting to hear more about a job that is hopefully opening up soon in the Governor’s Office of International Trade in Anchorage. They won’t be hiring for a bit so I think I’m going to go sell tickets at the Alaska State Fair in the interim and pray my bills get paid with that income. I’m staying with two dear, dear friends who are a godsend in their generosity to put me up until I get settled. It has been really, really humbling to need help financially. They have been wonderful.
I miss my family, my visit home was far too short. I hope I can go home to Oregon for Christmas. But, just like most things in my life right now, I’m going to just have to wait and see if that will be possible. I’m praying I learn another little piece of the puzzle in the “be still and know” journey. It’s hard. But, all in all it sure is good to be home. :)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Fire?
One of my favorite songs is called “Empty Me”. It’s a fairly simple song, and it goes as such:
Holy fire, burn away
My desire of anything
that is not of you and is of me
I want more of you and less of me, yeah....
Empty me, empty me, yeah
Fill, won't you fill me
With you and less of me, yeah
Succinctly simple. I’ll often listen to this song in the morning to just help get in the state of mind/heart that I want to be in to pray. I’ve come to realize in the last year that I often bend toward viewing the physical world is as a metaphor for spiritual things. This comes from discovering that I naturally tend to have this drive to find connections with things and form mental associations. It’s cool, but sometimes exhausting. But anyway, this part about me, I’ve found, very hugely translates over into my spiritual life.
I’ve been thinking the last couple of days about this “holy fire” thing. This metaphor is found absolutely everywhere in scripture nearly from beginning to end. Funny how things common like that become so rote and trite often unless we choose or are prompted to more closely examine what they really mean....it’s been coming to mind a lot:
Fire is beautiful. And powerful. And painful. All of these things. What more is “Holy fire”? And why is it that metaphysical pain sometimes hurts so much more than physical?
Holy fire, burn away
My desire of anything
that is not of you and is of me
I want more of you and less of me, yeah....
Empty me, empty me, yeah
Fill, won't you fill me
With you and less of me, yeah
Succinctly simple. I’ll often listen to this song in the morning to just help get in the state of mind/heart that I want to be in to pray. I’ve come to realize in the last year that I often bend toward viewing the physical world is as a metaphor for spiritual things. This comes from discovering that I naturally tend to have this drive to find connections with things and form mental associations. It’s cool, but sometimes exhausting. But anyway, this part about me, I’ve found, very hugely translates over into my spiritual life.
I’ve been thinking the last couple of days about this “holy fire” thing. This metaphor is found absolutely everywhere in scripture nearly from beginning to end. Funny how things common like that become so rote and trite often unless we choose or are prompted to more closely examine what they really mean....it’s been coming to mind a lot:
Fire is beautiful. And powerful. And painful. All of these things. What more is “Holy fire”? And why is it that metaphysical pain sometimes hurts so much more than physical?
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Synergy
I found this in an old journal today. Decided to revamp and resurrect it.
Synergy
If beauty hath her soul to offer,
So hath he a certain strength to give.
Though she may of the two be softer,
Strength yearns to surrounded with it live.
Both these advance in one synchrony,
If effort's made in proper time,
To effect a space of synergy:
Ultimate race of verse and rhyme.
Protect, and in effect provision,
May he, strength, procure and extend
But lacking any fairer vision
Foremost will he simply "pretend".
Same beauty blooms under shelter there
Too profits from--may well have need
Of haven formed, symbiotic pair
To render her due veracity.
If friend to friend each other ne'er heed,
So neither becomes ever full indeed.
T. Emerson
Synergy
If beauty hath her soul to offer,
So hath he a certain strength to give.
Though she may of the two be softer,
Strength yearns to surrounded with it live.
Both these advance in one synchrony,
If effort's made in proper time,
To effect a space of synergy:
Ultimate race of verse and rhyme.
Protect, and in effect provision,
May he, strength, procure and extend
But lacking any fairer vision
Foremost will he simply "pretend".
Same beauty blooms under shelter there
Too profits from--may well have need
Of haven formed, symbiotic pair
To render her due veracity.
If friend to friend each other ne'er heed,
So neither becomes ever full indeed.
T. Emerson
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Too-Small Frock: For Raychel
One day may I fall, to nevermore miss
This too-small frock, too poorly fit dress.
This restrict habit my soul reflecting,
In a future's time will love undressing--
A Soul internal, await of things free
A cagèd being will I never more be.
Censorship ceased, all within to express;
Revested someday in so tailored dress.
-T. Emerson
For my dear friend Raychel. Inspired by her. :)
This too-small frock, too poorly fit dress.
This restrict habit my soul reflecting,
In a future's time will love undressing--
A Soul internal, await of things free
A cagèd being will I never more be.
Censorship ceased, all within to express;
Revested someday in so tailored dress.
-T. Emerson
For my dear friend Raychel. Inspired by her. :)
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