"There's Grace for That"

I don't know if I actually thought this or just hoped: that because it was so clear that I was supposed to go to law school, God would bless the whole thing and I would own it. I would finish the top of my class and leave law school knowing exactly where God was headed with my degree and it would all make sense.

He definitely blessed it, but none of the rest of that is true. I'm learning that we are good at convincing ourselves that we don't have "expectations" about something, but then as we live out the situation God brings to light what our expectations actually were. And it's a test of character how we handle that.

It's that test of character that I've been starting to finally process, after 3 years of hell. I look back on these last 3 years and I see a narrative in which every last one of my limitations was tested.

Every.

Last.

One.

I'm sitting on "this side of the law" (or, hopefully...I find out if I'm actually a lawyer on Thursday), thinking about a thing Jesus said. He didn't mean for it to apply to this situation at all, but it's funny that it does. He said, basically, that the law will tell you how human you are, and how much you fall short of what God created you to be.

He was speaking about legalism, of course. More specifically, the Old Testament law. But it kind of works here. Or should I write:

Here, it is applicable. I hear my law professor in my head "here 'comma'...'therefore'.... But that's the thing. Right now I'm stuck somewhere in between the "here, 'comma'" and the "therefore". Or am I? All I've got right now is "therefore, Jesus."

I have ADD. I pray my way to work every morning now asking God to help me focus on my work and do good work, that I might earn favor with my employer. Who is very good at his job.

I'm needy right now. More needy than I'm comfortable being. I had a friend yesterday remind me how good I am at pouring out and not getting poured into. He's right, usually. But I'm not really sure how to be right now that I have so little to pour out. I'm fully tapped.

I'm tapped and fearful that, now that I'm back in Alaska, if I'm not careful the mild Seasonal Affectedness Disorder that I usually get in the winter could look a lot worse this year.

I don't want to go back to that place.

And then there's this: I don't know what's next. Do I pursue law librarianship? Will I pass the FSOT again--could this be the break I need?

God knows I don't want to get bored. I can't. I won't be healthy. But God also knows that without some key relationships in my life, I'm not healthy either. Will I have to compromise on one of those? If so, which will it be? Interesting that none of these questions are really new.

What's new is how much more aware and acquainted I am with my own humanity. I'm learning to let God have grace for that, but I would be remiss to not see how God has powerfully humbled me in these last 3 years.

I know that others look at me and think I "did it". But I know the truth, and I'm not just being cliché. I look back and wonder how I made it, how all my requirements and assignments got done and how...

*Sigh*

...how in Rome I kept putting one foot in front of the other, and kept getting out of bed.

I can't forget all that. I randomly find myself just saying to Him "I trust You." Or "I trust You with ____." And who am I kidding, that's not naturally me. THAT is fruit of this last little educational jaunt. The one that was about far more than the formation of just my mind.

I'm grateful, really, for this place. It's not comfortable. It's a place where I'm second guessing everything I say, move I make, whether I'm acting in the Holy Spirit or my own and wondering just how badly I'm messing things up, but where I keep coming back to something I often hear my sister say: "there's grace for that." And I trust Him.

I am so, so human. I'm more aware of that now than ever. But I hear that's when He does his best work. Who knows what's next. I just know (for the moment--again, I'm human) that there's grace for it.

Pursuit and Reserves

I know that I need to write about it to help process and heal, but I don't know how to start talking about it in this forum. It's funny, I can speak more freely when I'm face to face with someone I trust, but this is harder. But I know I need to.

Depression is dark. And it's not something I could have intuitively understood about someone else, until I lived through it. It's complex. I read all these blogs and hear gratuitous advice from people about where depression comes from.

The truth is, at least for me, there wasn't one main thing that led to it. Sure, law school was a huge factor--and in a sense I was a statistic--but it was a lot more than that. I'm beginning to understand better now. Now that I've moved out of it.

That was more stress that I realized. That was more darkness than I realized. That took more out of me than I realized. Almost more than I had.

And now it's funny. I'm home and starting to find my place among my relationships here again. I haven't totally gotten there yet. But in that process I'm realizing something else.

I have always been the intentional one. I have been the one to pursue in relationships. To listen and to act when I feel like something's going on. I have always been the one to make the first move. And I have always been okay with that, too. Most others have been okay with that, truly.

But something happened that made me realize a pitfall of that when I was in my darker moments. Because I've always been the one to pursue, my friends didn't pursue me. I was "busy." I was in law school, so they didn't want to "bother" me. If I wasn't pursuing, I guess, then I didn't need.

But the fact was, that's exactly when I needed to be pursued. I wasn't okay. Some people saw that, but I received admonishment rather than compassion. I received a warning of selfishness rather than I genuine look in the eye and questioning what was really going on.

And now, bridges look burned to me. Maybe they're not, time will tell, but they look so damaged I'm not sure they can be crossed right now.

And I don't have the relational capital invested to move forward with healing. I haven't invested in it these last 3 years because I wasn't able. And I wasn't able to keep up the status quo of pursuit that I'd always maintained--so the relational capital depleted.

I don't know what to do with this realization. It sucks to ask to be pursued. It sucks to look at the people I love and tell them that I need them to invest in me too. That I'm not the rock they've always thought I am and that I need to be shown that I am loved too. That I matter enough in their lives that they will readjust for me.

I don't know. I don't know what this new season holds, or who this new season holds. I will invest, I just don't know where right now.

And I'm daring to pray to be invested in too. I have no more reserves, and I want to get that back.

Not sure what that looks like.