Extro...Introvert

So, for all my growing up years I was clearly an extrovert. I was the social one in my little group of homeschool friends and I was the child who looked my mother in the eye at 14 years old and informed her that I would be going to school the next year because I felt I was shriveling up inside being at home 24/7.

 I had a deathly fear of being “weird” because I was homeschooled. My generation was one of the first waves of homeschoolers in the area where I grew up, so we were still very much a suspect group. (I’m glad that the “institution” of homeschooling is much more respected now.)

“Well, we’re going to do what God wants us to do next school year so you don’t get to decide, Traci.” Responded my mother to my resolved announcement.

“Well, He’s going to want me to go to school, so you’ll see.” I (disrespectfully) retorted.

Actually, that summer ended up being a turning point in my spiritual life because that was the first time I really had to surrender to Him something I really wanted. The outcome was amazing, but that’s another story. The point is, at this point in my life I was very much driven by my extroversion.

Looking back, I can now see that so much of my extroversion was driven by my need for external affirmation of who I was. I was constantly seeking attention with my chattering, opinions, young “wisdom” and whatever--and not just from my peers, from adults too. (As a side note, one thing about homeschooling is that you spend a lot more time around adults than most other kids, and sometimes more time around adults than people your age. As a result, to this day I’m often more comfortable around people older than me than around my peers. Not even kidding.)

But for young me this wasn’t healthy. It actually created some patterns in me that eventually destroyed the closest friendship of my childhood. Insecurity, pardon my language, is a b*tch. I was so deathly afraid of being “weird” that I watched everyone around me in any public setting like a hawk: how they dressed, how they acted, how they talked, and I did my best to blend in as best as I could. I really figured it out eventually, I think, but during that journey God spoke something to me that I’ve never forgotten:

“You’re supposed to be different, darling. But you’re supposed to be different because you’re Mine, not because of the way you’re educated. So get used to being ‘different.’”

That began a journey of finding my identity in Him instead of letting my external circumstances dictate how I see myself. This journey is still in process, and I daresay it will forever be, but I’ve come a long way.

That said, one of thing things that has changed the most powerfully about me is my extroversion. I think it’s fairly safe to say that I’m no longer really an extrovert. By Myers-Briggs standards I am still technically “extroverted,” but this girl no longer recharges around others—I NEED my time to myself. And I'm actually SO glad for that now.

For a while I thought maybe the pendulum had swung too much and I was just becoming selfish (still a distinct possibility) but then I realized what had fundamentally changed in me: I was no longer looking to the people around me to validate me to the same extent as when I was growing up. I was looking inward and upward now for that need fulfillment and that felt good.

This realization has made me look at the entire introversion/extroversion thing a little differently. I think our society tends to praise extroverts and misunderstand introverts. Or at least that's the perspective I absorbed. Obviously, either end of the spectrum can mean insecurities manifested in unhealthy ways but for me my own journey sheds light on this particular nuance of the whole introvert/extrovert thing….I wonder if we all dealt with our insecurities if we would be more comfortable being alone (extroverts) and being with others in a healthy, positive, meaningful way (introverts). Neither of these statements should be taken to mean that introverts aren’t ever comfortable around people and extroverts are always afraid of being alone. I’m simply saying that for me, I became way more balanced when I started to figure out where my identity was supposed to lie.

What if we all did that?

That’s all.

(Day 11)

Lake Life

I guess it was almost 3 weeks ago now when I went to Duluth with Ceciley for the day. A Sunday, I think. A lot happened that day (this for one thing), but I’m thinking of one small moment that I was brought back to today--

Cec and I were walking out to the lighthouse, which makes a small peninsula and provides a pretty view of the lake and shore. I was walking along the sidewalk and something in me began to hum “These Thousand Hills” by Third Day. Then something in me began to also grumble at God because there was nary a hill to behold--something that this mountain loving soul has struggled with for the last year. And I heard a quiet voice in my soul (that wasn’t me) say: “That’s because maybe it’s time for a season of lakes in your life and not mountains, darling.”

"Oh," thought I. I’ve heard that particular Voice before, and it’s never wrong.

So I’ve been thinking about that moment for 3 weeks now. I came to Minnesota with a good attitude, thinking I would love it and that I would rock law school and be top of my class and maybe even transfer…none of those things happened. In fact, Minnesota has been difficult all around. And now Katie’s gone too….But I was reminded of my original resolve to love Minnesota and so I’ve been praying about that.

“God, I will choose to call this home. Make me love it. I want to do this.”

But I’ve also been thinking about the whole “lake instead of mountains” thing too. I think there’s a metaphor in this, and I’ve been mulling it over. So here’s what I wonder:

What if I’ve resonated with the mountains in part because they’ve been representative of the struggles I’ve had and all the work that I’ve had to put into where I’m going and figuring things out? What if I’ve gotten used to a level of challenge and difficult in my life that God doesn’t want me to maintain as status quo and maybe he actually wants to give me rest and let Him do the path making for a bit? Like, maybe it’s time to sit by a lake and…wait for it…REST. Granted, law school is no cake walk, but that’s not what I’m talking about. The spiritual toil that has happened during the last years in which I have lived in Alaska have meant, in so many ways, one crisis after another. I truly “grew up” in Alaska and figured out who I was as an individual there, apart from my family. I built a life there. I followed Him and God knows He led, but He sure led me up a few mountains. And the view was amazing, but there is no denying that such a view had to be worked for.

Now, I’m wondering if this “lake” thing isn’t God saying, “I’m about to hand you some stuff. Sit back and enjoy the lake. There will be more mountains. But remember to be open to love the things that you’re not familiar with. Try this lake thing, my dear.”

I don’t know, but this the idea that has been brewing, and this week’s circumstances seem to corroborate this, I know I've already written about most of this, but just to reiterate:

-I got in the Compliance Externship

-My law mentor is from Cameroon, practices International Law and speaks French

-I am now a part of the school’s International Law Association

-I have a friend at school that found out that I spoke some Italian and she’s willing to help me with it—she’s fluent and got excited that she had someone to speak with.

All of this is just reiterating to me what I heard in Italy—“Traci, don’t give up on the international side of you, I haven’t forgotten how I created you.”

I didn’t really orchestrate any of this. I flailed for a while and God worked it out and pointed me to the right people who pointed me to the right opportunities. I think some crazy stuff is on the horizon and I don’t think that necessarily means mountains for me to climb right now. I think that it’s all Him right now.

So this lake thing, yeah…Ceciley’s birthday is this weekend and I was invited to come up North to stay at her grandparents’ lake house for the weekend with the family. This is my first Minnesota “lake life” experience that I’ve heard so much about. Couldn’t be more timely. I’m loving it and who better to introduce me.

Have I mentioned that God knew I’d need the Pund’s through law school? Thank God for family bonds that go beyond blood.

And for lakes. Thank you God for the lakes. Teach me to love this place and show me the lake life. Both here on earth and in your Kingdom.

I’m going out on that lake tomorrow,  I hear the weather will be great. :)

(Day 10)

Compliance and International Stuff

I feel something changing inside of me as far as my attitude toward law school and it feels really good.

I think it started when I realized that I don’t have to actually be a lawyer. All of the cases we’ve read all year and all of the circumstances that we’ve studied have just left a terrible taste in my mouth for litigation and my resulting idea of what it looks like “to be a lawyer” makes my soul die a few small deaths every time I envision myself in the role.

No, thank you.

But what kind of law student am I if I don’t want to practice law? Well, a law student that knows my mind—and soul—I hope.

So, this summer something presented itself to me that started to resonate and the more I learned about it I began to like it and feel like it might be my thing: Compliance. More on that in a moment.

I went to law school today to sit at a table help promote the UST International Law Association to the incoming students, an organization of which I am now a part of in the capacity of “Communications.” Tonight I am going to a BBQ at the international law Professor’s house...I’m already more law school “social” this week than pretty much all last year. It’s so weird, but strangely good! But anyway, I was at school today thinking about where I was a year ago when I was in “orientation” like these (poor) fresh students. So far from where I am now.

A year ago I was feeling like I needed to “buy in” to the whole being a lawyer thing because, after all, if God made it so clear that I’m supposed to do this law school thing then I’m obviously supposed to be some corporate lawyer, right? Wrong. Thank God.

A year ago a huge part of me felt like I was renouncing a lot of who I was when I signed up for law school. But I was prepared to do it. God had made my path to law school very clear and if I was going to do this law thing then I was going to, of course, do it all the way—after all everyone else said I’d be good at it, right? But 1L year did a number on me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I’d be lying if I said that I didn't end up with a lot of questions before and during the first two weeks of the study abroad program.

But these questions began to be answered, one by one.

First of all, in more ways than one going back to Italy felt like reopening an old wound. I was 18 years old when went to Italy for the first time and fell in love with it right away. That was the year that I met Erica, and the entire Saltarelli family and little did I know what they would end up meaning to me. I watched the 3 girls grow up to become young women and they watched me make my own way in life too. We only saw one another every once in a while—mostly when I found my way back to Naples—but there was a bond that continued to deepen. And later the Mulino happened. And then Marco. And Italy just became a place that I never forgot but was relegated to an uncomfortable corner of my heart.

“Why?” I found myself asking in Italy this summer, why does this place keep growing deeper and deeper for me, it doesn’t seem to fit in with the rest of my life so why do I keep coming back to this thing I love to just give it up again and again and hurt all over…every time?

“Darling, I haven’t forgotten the way I created you. Don’t give up on the international side of you. I haven’t.”

I heard this in my soul on the way to school one day. And then stuff started to make sense. Maybe Italy wasn’t as incongruent in my life as I thought it was…maybe I was supposed to love this. And, oh this language! I want to learn every word and expression of it, I LOVE IT. Could it be? Could it be that it was something I was supposed to actually pursue and not just keep giving it up in “sacrifice” as an act of obedience to God? Could it be that He gave me this heart for the language and the place for an eventual purpose?

Time will still tell, in all reality, but if anything at least I feel as if I’ve been given permission to pursue it. This is in addition to the newfound lease to pursue writing and pursue Compliance instead of practicing law. Wow. All of these things that I didn’t realize I was holding on to all the while thinking I was "obeying." In the end obeying looked just like getting familiar with how I was created and instead of fighting against it in feigned “worship” rather working with it. Novel.

This brings me back to “Compliance.” Compliance is an area that is growing, both nationally and internationally. It is a huge, broad field but in short it’s this (or, as a disclaimer, this is what I understand it to be): A Compliance Officer works for an organization or company for the purpose of knowing and understanding local laws, ordinances, and company policies, etc and then formulates plans of actions to align the organization/company's practices with said laws or policies and motivates others to get onboard.

If this is how Compliance really works then it is completely up my alley and I’m very, very excited about it (YES, I already know I’m a nerd). Also, it turns out my school is kind of on the front lines of training people in this field in the Midwest region. And I landed an externship in the field this semester (thank you, God!) and so I will be exploring what this could mean for my career direction first hand.

So, THAT happened and then I found out this week that my law mentor is from Cameroon and speaks French and practices international law and then the thing with the UST International Law Association presented itself as well. All of these things fit me!

I have no idea how these thing eventually gel or fit together, I just know that the degree to which all of it fits with me and this freedom to be me that I have been given and to choose my path accordingly has given me so much more impetus in what I am doing and, most importantly: the knowledge that I have not been forgotten is getting me going once again.

What a year it has been. I’m very glad I’m not a 1L again, and I’m actually kind of excited for what 2L will bring.

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THAT.

(Day 9)

14 Hours

14 hours in a car today (the majority of which were spent in Nebraska) leave me with surprisingly little to say at the moment. But discipline says that I must articulate something.

I finished Anna Karenina today (on audiobook). I have so many thoughts, but I couldn't begin to start now. I'm still processing but there are themes of unrequited feminism, unfulfilled and misdirected life purpose, family, etc all going on in my head. And a few unanswered questions regarding Anna's death and its effect on Vronsky too.

It's so hard not to see God in literature anyway, and then the Russians so passionately and wonderfully weave His message into their stories. I feel as if I am a "sister soul" of Dostoyevsky (as the French would say) and now I'm beginning to know Tolstoy as well. Tolstoy, I will say, does a jarring and impeccable job of getting inside a woman's head. It makes me wonder if what we think are female struggles are more just human than they are female and if maybe few men are willing to be honest about it. Maybe we'll never know. But Fyodor and Leo are two individuals to whom I one day hope to address myself on the other side of things for we will have much to discuss.

Anyway, I can now watch the movie. I'm looking forward to it. But that's really all--because I'm looking forward to bed too.

(Day 8)

Edenic "Consummation"?

They didn’t have to try very hard but my sister and brother-in-law talked me into staying another day in Denver on my trek back home to Minnesota. All Shelli had to say is “art museum…library across the street” and I made my decision.

So, I’m coffee shop, library, and art museum hopping this morning instead of sitting in the driver’s seat. Thinking. And getting my soul filled with art and writing.

This whole idea of “gifting” is going deeper and deeper for me. I guess that was part of the purpose of what happened this summer. But the more I think about it the more I have the distinct conviction that the notion of personal gifting (or whatever you want to call it) is actually not peripheral but very central to the gospel message. I’ve never made the connection before but it seems glaringly clear to me now…and therefore something that I can’t not live and pursue. In faith and freedom.

Here it is: Jesus didn’t come just so that we wouldn’t go to Hell. He didn’t just come so that we would have “life.” He came for a whole ‘nother thing that’s above and beyond that: He came that we would have life to the fullest.* There’s so much packed into that little phrase. He didn’t come so just so that I wouldn’t perish. His very heart is that I would begin my long, arduous, and profoundly rewarding trek back to, well, “Eden.”

In using the word Eden I do not refer to geography. In Scripture, the Garden of Eden is not only an actual place but it also represents what God originally intended our communion with Him to look like. Furthermore, just as the Garden’s very design and purpose was to be context to foster said communion with God, so was our very existence for the same purpose—which means that such Communion is the consummation of our existence. So basically, the Garden was a place for that to happen and now remains a reminder of the pinnacle of how things were meant to be. Then, skip forward thousands of years (how many thousands I do not care to dispute), Jesus made that Edenic Communion a possibility once more.

So that’s what faith is about. It’s infinitely more than just not going to Hell. The idea that “not going to Hell” is all Christianity is about may be one of the most terrible and, unfortunately, effective lies. In truth it’s essentially about “getting back to Eden,” if you will.

That said, there’s another deeper nuance to the idea of Eden. I think the best word that I can use right now to describe it is “uniqueness.” (I’m still mulling this over, but) I think that maybe inherent in the idea of Free Will is the idea of Uniqueness. Uniqueness is tied in with the autonomy that is innate in Free Will (which necessarily also prescribes the freedom to not choose this Consummation that I’ve described, but that’s another blogpost). All of that to say: I think that if we’re designed to make choices then we necessarily are also designed to be unique on and individual to individual basis (I realize that I’m stating the obvious, but please just allow me to explore—however poorly—the underlying philosophy).

So, if the Consummation that Eden represents is the very purpose of our existence then that must naturally mean that the Consummation of our Uniqueness is at the center of the Heart of God as well.

And that is why I’m beginning to think that the idea of gifting is so married to the fullness of the Gospel: God wants us to become everything He created each of our unique selves to be. That takes figuring out the unique talents, gifts, strengths (whatever your brand of appellation for them happens to be)—and maybe some of the weaknesses too—and allowing God to place in you in a spot where those qualities He gave you will be refined, honed, channeled and brought to their ultimate, again (not to overuse the word) consummation.

The Christian walk therefore, in it’s truest form, makes its adherents anything but homogenous; and that’s the beauty of it. The Body of Christ, when we are all walking in the Light and Path that we are designed to then everyone is, yes, “on the same page” but that does not mean that we are all the same. Actually, if two or more are "on the same page" then that is because we are reading the same pages and are in the same Spirit. This means that the Church being what it’s supposed to be—that is, every individual on this path back to Eden, a path that inherently requires a very real corporate community to healthfully accomplish—would be the most perfect representation of Diversity that could ever exist.

And this why “gifting” is so essential to the heart of the Gospel.  The Gospel essentially says, “be made whole, be restored to your original design, just be the YOU that you were created to be. It’s not as easy or simple as it sounds but it’s what you were created for and therefore your soul will never stop longing for it until you get on this truest of Bandwagons that ever existed….”

So: I need to be me. I need to allow this artist in me to be and to blossom, even if I’ve never seen myself this way because it’s “impractical.” I don’t get to make the rules, I don’t get to decide what’s “practical” and what’s not. The Edenic Economy has completely different rules and I’m finally kind of starting to read the “Rulebook” with this hermeneutic. It’s Truth, and it’s freeing because, well, because “…the truth will make you free….”**

When you look at it this way, it’s a wonder anyone sees the Gospel as a constraint on life. It’s actually is as real as it gets.

(Day 7)

*John 10:10

**John 8:32

(Day 6)

I don't have much to say today.

I spent the day in the car between Salt Lake City, UT and Denver, CO. I spent most of that time listening to Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. I have some thoughts brewing, but I won't begin to express them until I've finished the audiobook. I think it was Hemingway that once commented on how deeply the Russians make you feel. It's so true.

I'm realizing that in going back to Minnesota I am going to be entering into a period of time when there will be very little spiritual "in-pour" into my life and I need to learn what that looks like and how to be healthy with that. Should be interesting. But I'm glad that I'm aware that I need to change some of my expectations on that front, and that I'll need to be more vigilant about self-care (as my sister calls it).

I mean, if I'm ever going to live overseas I need to at least understand this. Alaska was rich in friendship and now Katie, my last remnant of that (and a strong one) is gone. Lord, help me.

That's all.

(Day 6)

Road Trip

Sometimes you just need your best friends.

I got back to Minnesota (from Europe) drained. Emotionally drained from all the good and bad and realized that while I had had a steady stream of emotional outpour I was running on low myself—I realized that very little in-pour had happened this summer. It was time. I knew where I needed to go. So I called Karissa and asked if I could drive out. Then I told Abby I was going…just to see if she could make it happen. Didn’t take much for her to be in on the weekend.

The morning after the retreat I hit the road to Utah and spent 2 days by myself in a car with Tolstoy, stopped in Denver to sleep and spend some quality time with my sister and then arrived here in Utah on Tuesday. I leave Utah tomorrow, but this has been good. And the mountains…ahhhhh….

Karissa and her husband Matt are foster parents. There’s been a lot of outpour from their lives too in the last year as well. Abby’s in a better place than she feels she’s been in a while and, seriously, talk about a breath of fresh air to all be together! I never cease to be amazed at how blessed I am in these two. On the friendship front, God has been incredibly good to me.

Every once in a while (usually exactly when I need it) I am reminded of what the deepness of friendship can mean. None of us are blind to each other’s faults and we’ve walked through a lot of ugly together. So. Many. Tears. But the joy—oh the joy. And the grace. Wow. I think I needed to be reminded that I have this beautiful thing in Abby and Karissa and to be filled up by it. It’s amazing how I can be filled by them just “being them” and just knowing that they know me and they know me well and not only do they still love me but they love me very, very deeply and they still respect me.

And it’s mutual. I feel as if I’ve very poorly summarized what these two mean to me but beyond all that I’m not sure I have words. So, suffice it to say, I needed to come to Utah and I’m so glad I hopped in that car. I’ll go home filled up. :)

(Day 5)