Extro...Introvert

So, for all my growing up years I was clearly an extrovert. I was the social one in my little group of homeschool friends and I was the child who looked my mother in the eye at 14 years old and informed her that I would be going to school the next year because I felt I was shriveling up inside being at home 24/7.

 I had a deathly fear of being “weird” because I was homeschooled. My generation was one of the first waves of homeschoolers in the area where I grew up, so we were still very much a suspect group. (I’m glad that the “institution” of homeschooling is much more respected now.)

“Well, we’re going to do what God wants us to do next school year so you don’t get to decide, Traci.” Responded my mother to my resolved announcement.

“Well, He’s going to want me to go to school, so you’ll see.” I (disrespectfully) retorted.

Actually, that summer ended up being a turning point in my spiritual life because that was the first time I really had to surrender to Him something I really wanted. The outcome was amazing, but that’s another story. The point is, at this point in my life I was very much driven by my extroversion.

Looking back, I can now see that so much of my extroversion was driven by my need for external affirmation of who I was. I was constantly seeking attention with my chattering, opinions, young “wisdom” and whatever--and not just from my peers, from adults too. (As a side note, one thing about homeschooling is that you spend a lot more time around adults than most other kids, and sometimes more time around adults than people your age. As a result, to this day I’m often more comfortable around people older than me than around my peers. Not even kidding.)

But for young me this wasn’t healthy. It actually created some patterns in me that eventually destroyed the closest friendship of my childhood. Insecurity, pardon my language, is a b*tch. I was so deathly afraid of being “weird” that I watched everyone around me in any public setting like a hawk: how they dressed, how they acted, how they talked, and I did my best to blend in as best as I could. I really figured it out eventually, I think, but during that journey God spoke something to me that I’ve never forgotten:

“You’re supposed to be different, darling. But you’re supposed to be different because you’re Mine, not because of the way you’re educated. So get used to being ‘different.’”

That began a journey of finding my identity in Him instead of letting my external circumstances dictate how I see myself. This journey is still in process, and I daresay it will forever be, but I’ve come a long way.

That said, one of thing things that has changed the most powerfully about me is my extroversion. I think it’s fairly safe to say that I’m no longer really an extrovert. By Myers-Briggs standards I am still technically “extroverted,” but this girl no longer recharges around others—I NEED my time to myself. And I'm actually SO glad for that now.

For a while I thought maybe the pendulum had swung too much and I was just becoming selfish (still a distinct possibility) but then I realized what had fundamentally changed in me: I was no longer looking to the people around me to validate me to the same extent as when I was growing up. I was looking inward and upward now for that need fulfillment and that felt good.

This realization has made me look at the entire introversion/extroversion thing a little differently. I think our society tends to praise extroverts and misunderstand introverts. Or at least that's the perspective I absorbed. Obviously, either end of the spectrum can mean insecurities manifested in unhealthy ways but for me my own journey sheds light on this particular nuance of the whole introvert/extrovert thing….I wonder if we all dealt with our insecurities if we would be more comfortable being alone (extroverts) and being with others in a healthy, positive, meaningful way (introverts). Neither of these statements should be taken to mean that introverts aren’t ever comfortable around people and extroverts are always afraid of being alone. I’m simply saying that for me, I became way more balanced when I started to figure out where my identity was supposed to lie.

What if we all did that?

That’s all.

(Day 11)