Exhausted

I don't even know what to say but that I'm exhausted--and it was only the first day of school. I have so much on my proverbial plate I hope that I can manage.

They say that 1L year is the worst, but that 2L year is busy. I'm looking at my schedule and this is already true.

Hopefully I'll have something of substance to say tomorrow. But yawning as I type this sentence.

Bonne nuit.

(Jour 14)

Italy, Get Used to Me (More on This Later)

I spent most of the day extremely stressed out. School starts tomorrow and I'm nowhere near as prepared as I wanted to feel.

Oh well.

There's that and the fact that my head was in Italy, all day, all the while I was trying to cook, clean, read, and generally get organized for this upcoming week. The result was not as much success as I'd like, but whatever. It's hard to bring my head back from Italy when I get into the stream of thoughts....

The word "heartache" is not a misnomer. Sometimes there is a little (or significant) bit of physical pain that accompanies or results from emotional pain. It's a thing.

Today that happened for Italy. It happened because I miss it and because so much was left unresolved. I don't have any answers and I think that's what hurts the most right now.

God is good. He knows. There will be resolution, it just may not be till eternity. It won't always be like this. I will keep getting out of bed every morning and I will be okay.

That sounds dramatic.

But seriously, it's true.

I will be back in Italy, too. More on this later, but hopefully I'll get that internship this next summer. I don't think that place is going to be relegated to the incongruent corner of my life anymore. Italy, get used to me.

(Day 13)

Little Bit Deeper

Today is another one of those days where I don't have much to say.

But I will say this: I just came back from the best weekend I have yet experienced in Minnesota as long as I've lived here. My first "lake life" experience was absolutely wonderful. This weekend I got to get a peek into even more of my "Minnesota family's" life and it was beautiful. I met Gayle's parents and brother and his family and was warmly welcomed in the their family life. The home on the lake was a wonderfully peaceful spot and the boat time relaxing.

I guess my favorite part is the space that was provided, not just physically, but relationally as well. I had time to really connect with both the girls and also to get to know a little about where Gayle came from. And I had some great conversation with Jamie about the environment and some hotly debated Christian literature, and even Tolstoy, actually. I loved the time and space that the lake created for all of that to happen. I came back a shade darker and with a smile on my face.

I hope I'll be going back to that place. It's special. And, just as I thought it might, Minnesota went a little bit deeper this weekend. I was ready for that. :)

(Day 12)

Extro...Introvert

So, for all my growing up years I was clearly an extrovert. I was the social one in my little group of homeschool friends and I was the child who looked my mother in the eye at 14 years old and informed her that I would be going to school the next year because I felt I was shriveling up inside being at home 24/7.

 I had a deathly fear of being “weird” because I was homeschooled. My generation was one of the first waves of homeschoolers in the area where I grew up, so we were still very much a suspect group. (I’m glad that the “institution” of homeschooling is much more respected now.)

“Well, we’re going to do what God wants us to do next school year so you don’t get to decide, Traci.” Responded my mother to my resolved announcement.

“Well, He’s going to want me to go to school, so you’ll see.” I (disrespectfully) retorted.

Actually, that summer ended up being a turning point in my spiritual life because that was the first time I really had to surrender to Him something I really wanted. The outcome was amazing, but that’s another story. The point is, at this point in my life I was very much driven by my extroversion.

Looking back, I can now see that so much of my extroversion was driven by my need for external affirmation of who I was. I was constantly seeking attention with my chattering, opinions, young “wisdom” and whatever--and not just from my peers, from adults too. (As a side note, one thing about homeschooling is that you spend a lot more time around adults than most other kids, and sometimes more time around adults than people your age. As a result, to this day I’m often more comfortable around people older than me than around my peers. Not even kidding.)

But for young me this wasn’t healthy. It actually created some patterns in me that eventually destroyed the closest friendship of my childhood. Insecurity, pardon my language, is a b*tch. I was so deathly afraid of being “weird” that I watched everyone around me in any public setting like a hawk: how they dressed, how they acted, how they talked, and I did my best to blend in as best as I could. I really figured it out eventually, I think, but during that journey God spoke something to me that I’ve never forgotten:

“You’re supposed to be different, darling. But you’re supposed to be different because you’re Mine, not because of the way you’re educated. So get used to being ‘different.’”

That began a journey of finding my identity in Him instead of letting my external circumstances dictate how I see myself. This journey is still in process, and I daresay it will forever be, but I’ve come a long way.

That said, one of thing things that has changed the most powerfully about me is my extroversion. I think it’s fairly safe to say that I’m no longer really an extrovert. By Myers-Briggs standards I am still technically “extroverted,” but this girl no longer recharges around others—I NEED my time to myself. And I'm actually SO glad for that now.

For a while I thought maybe the pendulum had swung too much and I was just becoming selfish (still a distinct possibility) but then I realized what had fundamentally changed in me: I was no longer looking to the people around me to validate me to the same extent as when I was growing up. I was looking inward and upward now for that need fulfillment and that felt good.

This realization has made me look at the entire introversion/extroversion thing a little differently. I think our society tends to praise extroverts and misunderstand introverts. Or at least that's the perspective I absorbed. Obviously, either end of the spectrum can mean insecurities manifested in unhealthy ways but for me my own journey sheds light on this particular nuance of the whole introvert/extrovert thing….I wonder if we all dealt with our insecurities if we would be more comfortable being alone (extroverts) and being with others in a healthy, positive, meaningful way (introverts). Neither of these statements should be taken to mean that introverts aren’t ever comfortable around people and extroverts are always afraid of being alone. I’m simply saying that for me, I became way more balanced when I started to figure out where my identity was supposed to lie.

What if we all did that?

That’s all.

(Day 11)

Lake Life

I guess it was almost 3 weeks ago now when I went to Duluth with Ceciley for the day. A Sunday, I think. A lot happened that day (this for one thing), but I’m thinking of one small moment that I was brought back to today--

Cec and I were walking out to the lighthouse, which makes a small peninsula and provides a pretty view of the lake and shore. I was walking along the sidewalk and something in me began to hum “These Thousand Hills” by Third Day. Then something in me began to also grumble at God because there was nary a hill to behold--something that this mountain loving soul has struggled with for the last year. And I heard a quiet voice in my soul (that wasn’t me) say: “That’s because maybe it’s time for a season of lakes in your life and not mountains, darling.”

"Oh," thought I. I’ve heard that particular Voice before, and it’s never wrong.

So I’ve been thinking about that moment for 3 weeks now. I came to Minnesota with a good attitude, thinking I would love it and that I would rock law school and be top of my class and maybe even transfer…none of those things happened. In fact, Minnesota has been difficult all around. And now Katie’s gone too….But I was reminded of my original resolve to love Minnesota and so I’ve been praying about that.

“God, I will choose to call this home. Make me love it. I want to do this.”

But I’ve also been thinking about the whole “lake instead of mountains” thing too. I think there’s a metaphor in this, and I’ve been mulling it over. So here’s what I wonder:

What if I’ve resonated with the mountains in part because they’ve been representative of the struggles I’ve had and all the work that I’ve had to put into where I’m going and figuring things out? What if I’ve gotten used to a level of challenge and difficult in my life that God doesn’t want me to maintain as status quo and maybe he actually wants to give me rest and let Him do the path making for a bit? Like, maybe it’s time to sit by a lake and…wait for it…REST. Granted, law school is no cake walk, but that’s not what I’m talking about. The spiritual toil that has happened during the last years in which I have lived in Alaska have meant, in so many ways, one crisis after another. I truly “grew up” in Alaska and figured out who I was as an individual there, apart from my family. I built a life there. I followed Him and God knows He led, but He sure led me up a few mountains. And the view was amazing, but there is no denying that such a view had to be worked for.

Now, I’m wondering if this “lake” thing isn’t God saying, “I’m about to hand you some stuff. Sit back and enjoy the lake. There will be more mountains. But remember to be open to love the things that you’re not familiar with. Try this lake thing, my dear.”

I don’t know, but this the idea that has been brewing, and this week’s circumstances seem to corroborate this, I know I've already written about most of this, but just to reiterate:

-I got in the Compliance Externship

-My law mentor is from Cameroon, practices International Law and speaks French

-I am now a part of the school’s International Law Association

-I have a friend at school that found out that I spoke some Italian and she’s willing to help me with it—she’s fluent and got excited that she had someone to speak with.

All of this is just reiterating to me what I heard in Italy—“Traci, don’t give up on the international side of you, I haven’t forgotten how I created you.”

I didn’t really orchestrate any of this. I flailed for a while and God worked it out and pointed me to the right people who pointed me to the right opportunities. I think some crazy stuff is on the horizon and I don’t think that necessarily means mountains for me to climb right now. I think that it’s all Him right now.

So this lake thing, yeah…Ceciley’s birthday is this weekend and I was invited to come up North to stay at her grandparents’ lake house for the weekend with the family. This is my first Minnesota “lake life” experience that I’ve heard so much about. Couldn’t be more timely. I’m loving it and who better to introduce me.

Have I mentioned that God knew I’d need the Pund’s through law school? Thank God for family bonds that go beyond blood.

And for lakes. Thank you God for the lakes. Teach me to love this place and show me the lake life. Both here on earth and in your Kingdom.

I’m going out on that lake tomorrow,  I hear the weather will be great. :)

(Day 10)

Compliance and International Stuff

I feel something changing inside of me as far as my attitude toward law school and it feels really good.

I think it started when I realized that I don’t have to actually be a lawyer. All of the cases we’ve read all year and all of the circumstances that we’ve studied have just left a terrible taste in my mouth for litigation and my resulting idea of what it looks like “to be a lawyer” makes my soul die a few small deaths every time I envision myself in the role.

No, thank you.

But what kind of law student am I if I don’t want to practice law? Well, a law student that knows my mind—and soul—I hope.

So, this summer something presented itself to me that started to resonate and the more I learned about it I began to like it and feel like it might be my thing: Compliance. More on that in a moment.

I went to law school today to sit at a table help promote the UST International Law Association to the incoming students, an organization of which I am now a part of in the capacity of “Communications.” Tonight I am going to a BBQ at the international law Professor’s house...I’m already more law school “social” this week than pretty much all last year. It’s so weird, but strangely good! But anyway, I was at school today thinking about where I was a year ago when I was in “orientation” like these (poor) fresh students. So far from where I am now.

A year ago I was feeling like I needed to “buy in” to the whole being a lawyer thing because, after all, if God made it so clear that I’m supposed to do this law school thing then I’m obviously supposed to be some corporate lawyer, right? Wrong. Thank God.

A year ago a huge part of me felt like I was renouncing a lot of who I was when I signed up for law school. But I was prepared to do it. God had made my path to law school very clear and if I was going to do this law thing then I was going to, of course, do it all the way—after all everyone else said I’d be good at it, right? But 1L year did a number on me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I’d be lying if I said that I didn't end up with a lot of questions before and during the first two weeks of the study abroad program.

But these questions began to be answered, one by one.

First of all, in more ways than one going back to Italy felt like reopening an old wound. I was 18 years old when went to Italy for the first time and fell in love with it right away. That was the year that I met Erica, and the entire Saltarelli family and little did I know what they would end up meaning to me. I watched the 3 girls grow up to become young women and they watched me make my own way in life too. We only saw one another every once in a while—mostly when I found my way back to Naples—but there was a bond that continued to deepen. And later the Mulino happened. And then Marco. And Italy just became a place that I never forgot but was relegated to an uncomfortable corner of my heart.

“Why?” I found myself asking in Italy this summer, why does this place keep growing deeper and deeper for me, it doesn’t seem to fit in with the rest of my life so why do I keep coming back to this thing I love to just give it up again and again and hurt all over…every time?

“Darling, I haven’t forgotten the way I created you. Don’t give up on the international side of you. I haven’t.”

I heard this in my soul on the way to school one day. And then stuff started to make sense. Maybe Italy wasn’t as incongruent in my life as I thought it was…maybe I was supposed to love this. And, oh this language! I want to learn every word and expression of it, I LOVE IT. Could it be? Could it be that it was something I was supposed to actually pursue and not just keep giving it up in “sacrifice” as an act of obedience to God? Could it be that He gave me this heart for the language and the place for an eventual purpose?

Time will still tell, in all reality, but if anything at least I feel as if I’ve been given permission to pursue it. This is in addition to the newfound lease to pursue writing and pursue Compliance instead of practicing law. Wow. All of these things that I didn’t realize I was holding on to all the while thinking I was "obeying." In the end obeying looked just like getting familiar with how I was created and instead of fighting against it in feigned “worship” rather working with it. Novel.

This brings me back to “Compliance.” Compliance is an area that is growing, both nationally and internationally. It is a huge, broad field but in short it’s this (or, as a disclaimer, this is what I understand it to be): A Compliance Officer works for an organization or company for the purpose of knowing and understanding local laws, ordinances, and company policies, etc and then formulates plans of actions to align the organization/company's practices with said laws or policies and motivates others to get onboard.

If this is how Compliance really works then it is completely up my alley and I’m very, very excited about it (YES, I already know I’m a nerd). Also, it turns out my school is kind of on the front lines of training people in this field in the Midwest region. And I landed an externship in the field this semester (thank you, God!) and so I will be exploring what this could mean for my career direction first hand.

So, THAT happened and then I found out this week that my law mentor is from Cameroon and speaks French and practices international law and then the thing with the UST International Law Association presented itself as well. All of these things fit me!

I have no idea how these thing eventually gel or fit together, I just know that the degree to which all of it fits with me and this freedom to be me that I have been given and to choose my path accordingly has given me so much more impetus in what I am doing and, most importantly: the knowledge that I have not been forgotten is getting me going once again.

What a year it has been. I’m very glad I’m not a 1L again, and I’m actually kind of excited for what 2L will bring.

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THAT.

(Day 9)

14 Hours

14 hours in a car today (the majority of which were spent in Nebraska) leave me with surprisingly little to say at the moment. But discipline says that I must articulate something.

I finished Anna Karenina today (on audiobook). I have so many thoughts, but I couldn't begin to start now. I'm still processing but there are themes of unrequited feminism, unfulfilled and misdirected life purpose, family, etc all going on in my head. And a few unanswered questions regarding Anna's death and its effect on Vronsky too.

It's so hard not to see God in literature anyway, and then the Russians so passionately and wonderfully weave His message into their stories. I feel as if I am a "sister soul" of Dostoyevsky (as the French would say) and now I'm beginning to know Tolstoy as well. Tolstoy, I will say, does a jarring and impeccable job of getting inside a woman's head. It makes me wonder if what we think are female struggles are more just human than they are female and if maybe few men are willing to be honest about it. Maybe we'll never know. But Fyodor and Leo are two individuals to whom I one day hope to address myself on the other side of things for we will have much to discuss.

Anyway, I can now watch the movie. I'm looking forward to it. But that's really all--because I'm looking forward to bed too.

(Day 8)