Weaknesses

It's funny how God can turn your weaknesses around completely.

I was sitting in my first International Finance class tonight and loving it when I thought about how I would have hated that class before. Up until a few years ago I had no interest in financial things.

This showed in my own finances. Actually, between years of car problems, travelling, and college I ended racking up, like so many Americans, credit card debt that plagued my life from before I even turned 18. And then it just grew. I should have paid it off with the funds I earned from working those several highly profitable summers in Alaska, but again I squandered my earnings because I was so terrible at money management. Knowing what I know now I wish I could go back...I would have done a lot of things differently with that money. Ugh.

When I got back from Paris I told God that I would do whatever it took to get rid of pile of debt. To my mind, I thought that meant that maybe He'd provide me with a well-paying job so I could just knock it out. He didn't. Actually, He provided me with rent-free living arrangements for almost a year and then two minimum wage (plus tips) jobs at a coffee shop and a little local French restaurant.

I went to a friend of mine who was a) really good with this kind of thing and b) good at teaching it. It was a very humble moment of my life to take this problem of mine to her. She sat down with me and we came up with a plan. Now that I know how to do it, it's a wonder to me how I could have missed how logical it all is. All that money I wasted...

Anyway I worked for every dollar to pay that debt off. I would come home from being on my feet all day just achey and exhausted physically, and drained relationally (customer service is taxing on the people front). I was in such a waiting period, I remember that year being hard even beyond the debt issue. But I see now that one of the things God was teaching me was the value of a dollar earned. I worked so hard to pay off that chunk of money I'd already spent. I'll never forget that.

I remember I would get off work at the coffee shop or the restaurant and I would deposit every dollar of what ever tips I made. After every shift I was driving up to the ATM near my house and depositing my cash. And then I would write down how much I deposited. Even if it was $20. And then I would literally write down every cent that I spent and scrimped and sacrificed on how and what I ate--and where I ate. Kristie was amazing walking me through that whole thing. It took me only an amazing 10 months.

By the time I had paid it I was working at the DA's office and other things in my life were becoming somewhat clearer too. But, to this day I haven't forgotten that season. And actually I still write down everything I spend. There's something about actually taking the doing the math myself that makes the whole thing click for me. And I've noticed that it's made me start to look at money in general differently.

For instance, I do have to live on loans now through school, but I can't wait to have income when I'm done and pay off all I'm forced to spent to live during this time in school. That thought would never enter my mind in undergrad. Every semester I'm so, so grateful for the amazing scholarship that I was given--every time I see what was written off in my bill. God is good.

I now have no shame in shopping at discount food stores, though I am picky about eating fairly organic, non-processed and stuff. I get what I can cheaply and go elsewhere if I have to afterward. I cook meals ahead of time and eat them all week...I shop at the thrift store and online for the cheapest prices. I have this "being poor" thing down.

But all of that to say that my grueling experience of paying the debt I accrued through thoughtless, irresponsible spending has made me so much more conscious of finances and therefore the financial world that now I find it so interesting I'm actually sitting in an International Finance course in law school. And enjoying it! This never would have happened without that experience.

I'm just amazed at this small little theme of redemption in this sliver of my narrative. He often redeems our weaknesses and often they become our strengths. I wouldn't say finance is a "strength" of mine yet, but who knows, maybe I'll get there.

He doesn't really give up, after all. ;)

(Day 16)

Quinze

Je ne sais pas pourquoi mais ce soir j’ai vraiment envie d’écrire en français…de m’exprimer en français.

C’est peut-être le stress, car c’est vrai que souvent je pense en français quand je suis fatiguée ou quand je suis stressée.

Bon.

J’ai presque survécue la premiere semaine d’école. C’est bien d’être rentrée...je suppose. Mais la meilleure c’est peut-être que j’ai commencé mon nouveau travail à la bibliothèque ce soir. Déjà ça me plaît tellement.

Mais tout ça c’est parler de rien, franchement.

Pourquoi on parle de rien? Est-ce c’est parce que on a peur de ne rien dire? Ou parce qu'on a peur de ne rien communiquer…justement, la silence? Ah no, ne rien communiquer et la silence ce sont pas de même chose. Du tout.

A mon avis on parle souvent "de tout et de rien" parce que c'est plutôt la nature humaine vouloir se connecter avec les autres, d'être en relation. Cependant même si on en a envie on a peur aussi des relations profondes parce que, quoiqu'on veut tellement d'être "vu"--alors d'être vu et entendu (c'est peut-être la chose la plus voulue, la plus recherchée dans l'âme de l'homme) on en a tellement peur. Nous en avons tellement peur parce qu'ou nous avons peur de ne pas être aimer par celle (ou celui) qui nous voit, ou bien parce que nous avons bien encore plus peur que nous n'allons pas nous aimer nous-même quand nous savons que nos imperfections sont connues.

Peut-être. Ou peut-être j'en sais rien.

Bon proposition pour moi en penser de toute façon....pour ma part pour la plupart je déteste chuchoter. 

(Jour 15)

Exhausted

I don't even know what to say but that I'm exhausted--and it was only the first day of school. I have so much on my proverbial plate I hope that I can manage.

They say that 1L year is the worst, but that 2L year is busy. I'm looking at my schedule and this is already true.

Hopefully I'll have something of substance to say tomorrow. But yawning as I type this sentence.

Bonne nuit.

(Jour 14)

Italy, Get Used to Me (More on This Later)

I spent most of the day extremely stressed out. School starts tomorrow and I'm nowhere near as prepared as I wanted to feel.

Oh well.

There's that and the fact that my head was in Italy, all day, all the while I was trying to cook, clean, read, and generally get organized for this upcoming week. The result was not as much success as I'd like, but whatever. It's hard to bring my head back from Italy when I get into the stream of thoughts....

The word "heartache" is not a misnomer. Sometimes there is a little (or significant) bit of physical pain that accompanies or results from emotional pain. It's a thing.

Today that happened for Italy. It happened because I miss it and because so much was left unresolved. I don't have any answers and I think that's what hurts the most right now.

God is good. He knows. There will be resolution, it just may not be till eternity. It won't always be like this. I will keep getting out of bed every morning and I will be okay.

That sounds dramatic.

But seriously, it's true.

I will be back in Italy, too. More on this later, but hopefully I'll get that internship this next summer. I don't think that place is going to be relegated to the incongruent corner of my life anymore. Italy, get used to me.

(Day 13)

Little Bit Deeper

Today is another one of those days where I don't have much to say.

But I will say this: I just came back from the best weekend I have yet experienced in Minnesota as long as I've lived here. My first "lake life" experience was absolutely wonderful. This weekend I got to get a peek into even more of my "Minnesota family's" life and it was beautiful. I met Gayle's parents and brother and his family and was warmly welcomed in the their family life. The home on the lake was a wonderfully peaceful spot and the boat time relaxing.

I guess my favorite part is the space that was provided, not just physically, but relationally as well. I had time to really connect with both the girls and also to get to know a little about where Gayle came from. And I had some great conversation with Jamie about the environment and some hotly debated Christian literature, and even Tolstoy, actually. I loved the time and space that the lake created for all of that to happen. I came back a shade darker and with a smile on my face.

I hope I'll be going back to that place. It's special. And, just as I thought it might, Minnesota went a little bit deeper this weekend. I was ready for that. :)

(Day 12)

Extro...Introvert

So, for all my growing up years I was clearly an extrovert. I was the social one in my little group of homeschool friends and I was the child who looked my mother in the eye at 14 years old and informed her that I would be going to school the next year because I felt I was shriveling up inside being at home 24/7.

 I had a deathly fear of being “weird” because I was homeschooled. My generation was one of the first waves of homeschoolers in the area where I grew up, so we were still very much a suspect group. (I’m glad that the “institution” of homeschooling is much more respected now.)

“Well, we’re going to do what God wants us to do next school year so you don’t get to decide, Traci.” Responded my mother to my resolved announcement.

“Well, He’s going to want me to go to school, so you’ll see.” I (disrespectfully) retorted.

Actually, that summer ended up being a turning point in my spiritual life because that was the first time I really had to surrender to Him something I really wanted. The outcome was amazing, but that’s another story. The point is, at this point in my life I was very much driven by my extroversion.

Looking back, I can now see that so much of my extroversion was driven by my need for external affirmation of who I was. I was constantly seeking attention with my chattering, opinions, young “wisdom” and whatever--and not just from my peers, from adults too. (As a side note, one thing about homeschooling is that you spend a lot more time around adults than most other kids, and sometimes more time around adults than people your age. As a result, to this day I’m often more comfortable around people older than me than around my peers. Not even kidding.)

But for young me this wasn’t healthy. It actually created some patterns in me that eventually destroyed the closest friendship of my childhood. Insecurity, pardon my language, is a b*tch. I was so deathly afraid of being “weird” that I watched everyone around me in any public setting like a hawk: how they dressed, how they acted, how they talked, and I did my best to blend in as best as I could. I really figured it out eventually, I think, but during that journey God spoke something to me that I’ve never forgotten:

“You’re supposed to be different, darling. But you’re supposed to be different because you’re Mine, not because of the way you’re educated. So get used to being ‘different.’”

That began a journey of finding my identity in Him instead of letting my external circumstances dictate how I see myself. This journey is still in process, and I daresay it will forever be, but I’ve come a long way.

That said, one of thing things that has changed the most powerfully about me is my extroversion. I think it’s fairly safe to say that I’m no longer really an extrovert. By Myers-Briggs standards I am still technically “extroverted,” but this girl no longer recharges around others—I NEED my time to myself. And I'm actually SO glad for that now.

For a while I thought maybe the pendulum had swung too much and I was just becoming selfish (still a distinct possibility) but then I realized what had fundamentally changed in me: I was no longer looking to the people around me to validate me to the same extent as when I was growing up. I was looking inward and upward now for that need fulfillment and that felt good.

This realization has made me look at the entire introversion/extroversion thing a little differently. I think our society tends to praise extroverts and misunderstand introverts. Or at least that's the perspective I absorbed. Obviously, either end of the spectrum can mean insecurities manifested in unhealthy ways but for me my own journey sheds light on this particular nuance of the whole introvert/extrovert thing….I wonder if we all dealt with our insecurities if we would be more comfortable being alone (extroverts) and being with others in a healthy, positive, meaningful way (introverts). Neither of these statements should be taken to mean that introverts aren’t ever comfortable around people and extroverts are always afraid of being alone. I’m simply saying that for me, I became way more balanced when I started to figure out where my identity was supposed to lie.

What if we all did that?

That’s all.

(Day 11)

Lake Life

I guess it was almost 3 weeks ago now when I went to Duluth with Ceciley for the day. A Sunday, I think. A lot happened that day (this for one thing), but I’m thinking of one small moment that I was brought back to today--

Cec and I were walking out to the lighthouse, which makes a small peninsula and provides a pretty view of the lake and shore. I was walking along the sidewalk and something in me began to hum “These Thousand Hills” by Third Day. Then something in me began to also grumble at God because there was nary a hill to behold--something that this mountain loving soul has struggled with for the last year. And I heard a quiet voice in my soul (that wasn’t me) say: “That’s because maybe it’s time for a season of lakes in your life and not mountains, darling.”

"Oh," thought I. I’ve heard that particular Voice before, and it’s never wrong.

So I’ve been thinking about that moment for 3 weeks now. I came to Minnesota with a good attitude, thinking I would love it and that I would rock law school and be top of my class and maybe even transfer…none of those things happened. In fact, Minnesota has been difficult all around. And now Katie’s gone too….But I was reminded of my original resolve to love Minnesota and so I’ve been praying about that.

“God, I will choose to call this home. Make me love it. I want to do this.”

But I’ve also been thinking about the whole “lake instead of mountains” thing too. I think there’s a metaphor in this, and I’ve been mulling it over. So here’s what I wonder:

What if I’ve resonated with the mountains in part because they’ve been representative of the struggles I’ve had and all the work that I’ve had to put into where I’m going and figuring things out? What if I’ve gotten used to a level of challenge and difficult in my life that God doesn’t want me to maintain as status quo and maybe he actually wants to give me rest and let Him do the path making for a bit? Like, maybe it’s time to sit by a lake and…wait for it…REST. Granted, law school is no cake walk, but that’s not what I’m talking about. The spiritual toil that has happened during the last years in which I have lived in Alaska have meant, in so many ways, one crisis after another. I truly “grew up” in Alaska and figured out who I was as an individual there, apart from my family. I built a life there. I followed Him and God knows He led, but He sure led me up a few mountains. And the view was amazing, but there is no denying that such a view had to be worked for.

Now, I’m wondering if this “lake” thing isn’t God saying, “I’m about to hand you some stuff. Sit back and enjoy the lake. There will be more mountains. But remember to be open to love the things that you’re not familiar with. Try this lake thing, my dear.”

I don’t know, but this the idea that has been brewing, and this week’s circumstances seem to corroborate this, I know I've already written about most of this, but just to reiterate:

-I got in the Compliance Externship

-My law mentor is from Cameroon, practices International Law and speaks French

-I am now a part of the school’s International Law Association

-I have a friend at school that found out that I spoke some Italian and she’s willing to help me with it—she’s fluent and got excited that she had someone to speak with.

All of this is just reiterating to me what I heard in Italy—“Traci, don’t give up on the international side of you, I haven’t forgotten how I created you.”

I didn’t really orchestrate any of this. I flailed for a while and God worked it out and pointed me to the right people who pointed me to the right opportunities. I think some crazy stuff is on the horizon and I don’t think that necessarily means mountains for me to climb right now. I think that it’s all Him right now.

So this lake thing, yeah…Ceciley’s birthday is this weekend and I was invited to come up North to stay at her grandparents’ lake house for the weekend with the family. This is my first Minnesota “lake life” experience that I’ve heard so much about. Couldn’t be more timely. I’m loving it and who better to introduce me.

Have I mentioned that God knew I’d need the Pund’s through law school? Thank God for family bonds that go beyond blood.

And for lakes. Thank you God for the lakes. Teach me to love this place and show me the lake life. Both here on earth and in your Kingdom.

I’m going out on that lake tomorrow,  I hear the weather will be great. :)

(Day 10)