Caution: Profanity

When I am stressed or in pain I find that I think and I write. I know this is something common to most writers—if not all—but it never ceases to surprise me. Kind of counter intuitively, what often comes out is a theme that I did not even realize was playing in the inner workings of my soul until I see it in writing. This note is another surprise.

A conversation has been playing in my head for the last few weeks. It struck a chord with me, but with everything going on and exams I had set it aside. It is becoming clearer now (not that things have calmed down). ;)

“Do you like that song ‘All About that Bass’?” asked a new friend.

“I like the Jimmy Fallon version.” I laughed. “But everything’s better with Jimmy Fallon. But no, I don’t really like the song—mostly the message.”

“Why? I thought the message would be empowering to women?”

“Not really.”

I had actually never really articulated this or realized I felt this way until he asked:

“It’s frustrating because I feel like ‘feminism’ talks out of both sides of ‘her’ mouth; on one side she doesn’t want to be objectified, but on another she seeks to objectify women in a new and different way—in this case by ‘celebrating’ bigger size. In the end it’s still objectification and it bugs me.”

After pausing for a moment, I added, “And I don’t think that’s how beauty should be used.”

Seemingly puzzled, he then asked how I thought beauty should be used. Of course he did, and I slightly regretted the addendum. I shrugged the question off by saying that it was a long conversation, but apparently this conversation has been going on inside of me ever since.

Here it is:

I hate the way our society generally looks at women. I have never really considered myself a feminist until this last year. I’m not really sure what changed specifically, but I guess the deeper my faith gets I really care about the way God meant for our sexuality (and read: genders) to be. Male or female. That said, I also hate the way our society views men. It’s ugly. We generally tend to "empower" women at the expense of men and that's a recipe for social distaster if you ask me. What a vicious circle that sets into motion. There is some serious polarization between the genders that is unhealthy and ridiculous and downright defiant of God’s idea for us to value and celebrate each other: strengths and weaknesses and  what we have to bring to the table for each other.

I know that is all incredibly vague, but I do not feel that it is worth the time to go into detail. And if anyone were to disagree with that statement, I would love to have a conversation about it. I am certainly up for input.

But I think the direction the conversation took inside of me was to ask myself just exactly how do I think beauty should be used and what am I doing now that speaks to that? Also, one caveat before I proceed: this perspective is from a 30 year old single woman, that has never known anything but that, so I am allowing for my perspectives to change in the future should that status ever change, but meanwhile I hope and strive for an outlook as objective as possible given my humanity and relationship situation.

I have long remarked that a woman has incredible power over a man. That is not meant to be yet another gender polarizing statement. I have also long remarked—indeed HOURS of conversations with girlfriends bear testimony to this fact—that a man has inordinate power over a woman too. I am simply choosing to address my own gender because that is the only one I can change. Really, I am the only one I can change.

Anyway...a woman has incredible power over a man. Said power cannot be divorced from the idea of “beauty,” whatever that may mean to you. Beauty, I believe, cannot be confused with sex appeal though they arguably overlap--and should, I think, if we’re really biblical about it. But this beauty, I have noticed, has an immense and inexorable potency to hurt or to heal. It is downright scary. I am particularly passionate about this because I have consistently seen this power used by women to meet needs in their lives that sometimes, if not often, they did not even know they had. Coming from a woman: it’s diabolical. And I’m not going to lie, I’ve done it. I do it. And it's so hard to not give into it.

I mean, to wit I have not wrecked anyone’s life or home or whatever, but there are still moments when I know I “wield” this power. I hate it. I hate it and I love it. But this beauty has an at least equal, if not greater power to offer healing to the world and community around it (her), and to call the people she knows and loves around her to be who they are supposed to be, and to become better people. To call one another to integrity. What I mean is, if I’m honest with myself, I truly believe that a beautiful woman (and please note, it is the furthest thing from my heart to invoke or praise physical appearance by the usage of that word here, that is not what I am trying to address) can use her “power” inherent in God-given beauty to call others to be who God wants them to be. And if they don't know God: to call them to be just better people and think about the deeper questions.

Idealistic? ABSOLUTELY. Crazy? Maybe. Do I believe this? Yeah, I think I do. I have had this conversation a few times before with various people of both genders, but I have never before had the courage to put it to writing. And there the conversation continues and forces me to ask myself why I have never wanted to commit to such a lofty ideal in writing.

The answer in the rawest, most honest of terms may seem to mildly defy the very notion of integrity to some, but nevertheless let me just tell you that my experience of trying to live this ideal out is FUCKING HARD. And it just gets harder. Trying to be a woman of “integrity” (okay, I know I need to find a new word) in today’s world is ridiculously difficult. FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE at times.  And lonely, and a litany of sob words with which I do not need to regale my (veritably non-existent) reader. It just sucks. Some days, especially lately, I've just wanted to throw in the towel. Seems futile.

I think the reason the conversation got under my skin is because I have been at a point where I am questioning this ideal and wondering if choosing to at least try to live up to it will truly make a difference in the lives of the people around me. I sometimes get impatient and what to see that “difference” as immediately as possible, granted, but still after an entire decade of my 20s choosing this previously under-articulated ideology I have moments where I wonder if it is worth it.

And this the war inside me these last few weeks. Who do I want to be and why? What kind of woman do I want to be and why?? Maybe this whole thing I made up in my head about how a woman can change the world around her blah, blah, blah needs to be revamped….Maybe…maybe people don’t really change after all.

When committed to writing, like I said, this internalized debate surprises me. Such a subconscious war of will and faith and reevaluation is intense, and I did not realize it was waging inside me. But it makes so much sense, too. Besides law school, no wonder I have been so exhausted.

And then. And then I had a moment when someone spoke right to the issue (that I didn't even know existed) and told me not to lose my faith—or rather, that I should know just how beautiful that faith was and that I should just know, just know that it does make a difference. And to stay true to that—whatever I do.

Those words went deeper than I would have thought. Unnervingly deep, but very God and very good—that’s how He does. At the moment I wasn’t aware of this war or that a weapon was just handed me, but I think I have at least for a moment come to peace with this FUCKING HARD that spurred a redefinition—or revowal of the integrity that I want to have in my person and that means necessarily my gender. I may be just one woman, but I think that I really do want to continue to yearn for God’s best in the people around me and to work, indeed fight for it with all the woman in me. That, I think I’ve figured out, is (at least a significant part of) integrity.

But, just to clarify, I don’t think that ever makes it not fucking hard. I just think that I needed a revisit to my nicely packaged ideas about who I want to be. If women have the power to "make or break" anything at all, I want my life to "make." And it breaks my heart when women do not take this responsibility seriously and tear down the men around them, trying to make them who they think they should be and not who GOD wants them to be. I'm guilty of this, I know, but God knows I don't want to be.

Right now, I have some amazing people in my life. I didn’t expound much on the “hurt vs. heal” thing that I mentioned, but I am also learning about how much of a role humanity plays in the potential to use the afore described beauty to HURT and how much of a role God plays in beauty’s potential to be a vessel for HEALING. Basically, I’m learning how healing is God’s work not mine. And how sometimes I need to just shut up, shut up, shut up. Did I mention that’s fucking hard?

Also, I think my word for 2015 is “Healing.” I am excited for what this means, and even though it is excruciatingly difficult. The most exciting part is though, I have a feeling it means healing not just for myself but for people around me too--but then I’m no clairvoyant. Whatever it means, if anything, this song keeps coming to my mind....Good night.

This is something bigger than me....

Law School - The First Month

In the few moments that I have had time in which to interact with home (or essentially: people not from law school) I get the obvious question: “is it what you expected?” Funny how I expected a lot of things but somehow didn’t manage to expect that question. Fail. There’s not a yes or no answer to that, but then that’s true for the majority of questions.

Logic would say that I really don’t have time to write about this because I’m in the throes of midterms and my life has been utterly turned upside down in the last month to where I hardly know how to breathe anymore (I'm beginning to think reading is the new breathing). And actually, that’s true because my back issues have flared up so much that I started having to go to weekly physical therapy where I learned that I breathe wrong...awesome. However, my state of mind is such that I think I need to write this, so here goes.

Here’s what I expected: a lot of work. And that expectation has been fully realized. The workload is every bit as much as I thought it would be and right now, truly, I should be up to my chin in Civil Procedure but I’m doing the non-logical thing instead and giving all of you that a) care enough to read this and b) read thus far the absolute delight of being privy to my thoughts. This in hopes that unloading my mind of all this will be cathartic and I’ll have more clarity to effectively absorb Federal rules about jurisdiction.

Next, I expected to be tired, and that has also been reality. I have never been one to do well without sleep and one night of a mere 4 hours of sleep was a rough day that ended in a rant about how people should shut up more…thank you Katie for your good nature in laughing me off. Although, I must confess that even my rested self sort of feels that way, too.

I also expected to meet cool, like-minded people. And I have. But what I didn’t expect was to feel so overwhelmed by, well, presumably everything new in my life that my normal level of needed social interaction would be severely diminished. I don’t have as much energy for new people and new relationships as I thought I would, and that has resulted in fewer relationships than I expected. I guess that will come, after all it’s the first month. But the classmates that I have connected with are truly wonderful, and all of them are team players. From what I’ve read this can be hard to find in the culture of law school. And really, I think I would be fine to stick with my group too. :)

But then, there are those things that I certainly did not expect—or rather “foresee” (because that’s the legal term). I didn’t expect to feel so old. I love my life and the experiences but don’t love how isolating they can be sometimes. Enough said, it is what it is. Many of the students around me, indeed most, are significantly younger and that contributes to a different mentality about a lot of things. I’m learning a lot from it, and I’m learning a lot about what I’ve learned too—if that even makes sense!

I didn’t expect my law school classroom experience to be so“cliché”, or rather “classic”. It’s exactly how you’d imagine it: brilliant person with copious initials at the end of his name stands in front of the amphitheatre-like room posing ominous socratic questions and upon answer tears down a young mind’s attempt at brilliance all in the name of shaping future legal minds and thereby the nation itself. Pretty interesting to both watch and participate in. There’s usually sweat involved too, and I’m not exaggerating.

I shouldn’t say that I didn’t expect this next part, rather I was unprepared for it: my classmates love to talk. A lot. For much of my life I think I’ve been one of those, but the older I get the more I realize the profound value of listening and absorbing what’s going on around me. I’m having a hard time separating the chatter from the substance and this is something I need to work on. I find myself reverting to judgment before compassion and frustration before trying to understand and as a result I’m just as guilty of what I think they’re doing: behaving without thinking the behavior through first. I am a lot different now than when I was in undergrad.

I was most unprepared for this, though: I miss Alaska. I really thought when I left in April that I may have been saying goodbye to “home” there and that my life would quite possibly not take me back. And certainly, that’s still on the table because if 30 years has taught me anything it’s, quite emphatically: anything can happen. But in the last few weeks readjusting to a place where the only things that are congruent with my life in Alaska are Katie, my vehicle, and my furniture, what has emerged is an aching for Alaska that I didn’t think would be there anymore. I guess it’s really true that it gets in your blood. So, that said, if nothing intercepts me—to which I will remain ever open and willing—I’ll be headed back that direction. I’ve already even got some internship options/ideas for the summer of 2015. I’m also working on some of my new buddies too…we’ll see, not sure I’ll have much luck.

It's been interesting that this experience has reminded me slightly of my time in Paris. That feeling of not knowing people--or at least not knowing them well (yet)--not knowing the area and not having people to go explore it with; finding myself wondering about everyone back home with the little mental space that I have left; being exhausted from building a new life, but being excited by it all at the same time....ugh....Wow. I had forgotten how so much sudden change can produce such vast array of emotions in such a short time span. It's funny to have these sensations come back, but at least this time I can do all this in English, and I don't have to do immigration again. *Shudder*

Well, now that I’ve “purged,” I’ll use my new catharsized (is that a word?) posture to focus on Federal Subject Matter and Personal Jurisdiction. This post means that it will be a late night making up for this "lost" (not really) time. Maybe next post will be about the Midwest. Stay tuned.

Unknown

I found this in an old book of mine as I was combing through and downsizing my library. I wonder what I was going through at the time? No form, and I also seem to have coined a word--lapidation?What?

Cease, halt, curb this unseasoned and undeserved lapidation
Of sorrows and pain cascading from
Curious whereabouts unbeknownst to me

Bruises appear, are left unshown
From the hardest most elusive of stone
Unseen are these welts, invisible to the eye

But existent nonetheless, the pain perhaps more keen
For the heart sometimes heals not
As hastily as it would seem.

But the bruises therein have potential to unveil
The rarest of colors, all the more real....

25 Things Every Woman Should Have By The Time She Turns 25?

25 Things Every Woman Should Have By The Time She Turns 25

thoughtcatalog.com

Enough confidence to no longer feel the need to justify what she eats, who she dates or what she wears, not only to other people, but to herself.

So I don't usually take posts like these personally, and they certainly don't really get under my skin but this time somehow I appear to be the face on this blog post; and since this has been brought to my attention it has been on my mind a bit: my photo comes up on many (if not all) websites that share a link to this post and I’m not sure how that happened. TO BE CLEAR: I am not upset about the photo itself, but I would like a moment to contribute to the message that the writer sends out. Since Facebook is the forum where most of this has been shared, here I go! Feel free to share.

Although I wholeheartedly agree with some of the points that Brianna Wiest makes, I honestly don’t feel great about my literal image being representative of all of these views. So I thought I’d respond to Ms. Wiest with all due respect and with a few of my own thoughts because, after all: that’s my face (well, half of it.)

That said, this original article was meant to be empowering, and so is what I’m about to contribute. Thank you Brianna Wiest for a heart to lift up the women around you. That said, this is just a perspective, and a personal one: so please take it as that. :)

25 Things Every Woman Should Have By The Time She Turns 25

BRIANNA: 1. Enough confidence to no longer feel the need to justify what she eats, who she dates or what she wears, not only to other people, but to herself. 

ME: Yes. I agree that every woman “should” be here by the time she’s 25, but getting here is a journey that looks different for every woman and doesn’t have a date on it. It’s a difficult road and once you get a taste of what it’s like to be “there”, it’s a security in oneself that takes maintenance.

BRIANNA: 2. The goal of a bank account with a few months’ living expenses in it, if she doesn’t have that already. Just in case.

ME: YES. I’ve never quite had that, but YES a thousand times anyway.

BRIANNA: 3. Only the phone numbers, Facebook friends, weekend plans, and roommates she actually wants.

ME: Agreed! But I think the deeper principle here is that a woman should understand that in respect to relationships the value of quality far outweighs the the value of quantity, and she should actively be living that out….SO please don’t take inventory of my Facebook friends and phone contacts here and call me hypocritical. ;)

BRIANNA: 4. A best friend who is like a sister.

ME: ABSOLUTELY. But she should also be comfortable not having to call any of her girlfriends her “best friend” too, for true “best” is not in one individual. And that’s okay. But it is wonderful that we have some girlfriends closer than others. :)

BRIANNA: 5. A space of her own.

ME: YES. YES. YES. Not just physical space either, but she should also be (at least) on the road to becoming comfortable enough in her own skin to be a) by herself and b) understand what it means for her to have her own mental and emotional space.

BRIANNA: 6. A good idea of what she needs in a romantic relationship, not just what she wants, or what she thinks she needs, and the willingness to explore different people and other ideas to find what exactly that is.

ME: Very well said. I think this ties into a woman truly knowing and understanding herself, too, well enough to know the things mentioned above.

BRIANNA: 7. A closet of what she considers to be her “staples,” and among these things, something to wear to an interview, funeral, wedding, impromptu Friday night drink at a casual bar and dream date if ever someone were to call out of the blue.

ME: Totally. :)

BRIANNA: 8. The tact and grace to ask for a raise, a promotion, a change in a relationship or a date with someone she’s into.

ME: Sure.

BRIANNA: 9. The faith that she deserves those things.

ME: I don’t agree with this: I despise the word “deserve”. There is a culture of entitlement in our society that says we “deserve” so much that we FLAT. OUT. DON’T. I think I woman should be aware of when she has earned a promotion, when a relationship is unhealthy, and when she could have met someone with romantic potential for her and she should strive for the courage to pursue positive change.

BRIANNA: 10. A favorite coffee order, go-to restaurant for when friends visit from out of town, hairstyle that takes less than five minutes in the morning, “thank you” cards in her desk drawer, the print copy of her favorite book, and bedding that she is proud to show off.

ME: All of these things make me smile and nod my head. :)

BRIANNA: 11. A hobby that has nothing to do with drinking, shopping or somebody else.

ME: Wonderful.

BRIANNA: 12. The recipes for a number of easy meals memorized.

ME: Or…at least memorized where they’re at! 

BRIANNA: 13. The desire and discipline to actually cook for herself. (Just herself.)

ME: Because it’s healthy and wise—not just physically but financially as well!

BRIANNA: 14. A trip she tells awesome stories about and a trip she has awesome plans for.

ME: Yes. But travel wisely!

BRIANNA: 15. A sense that she’s let go of resenting other women for what they do or don’t have over her.

ME: I think this relates to #1. This is a journey and not necessarily a destination and it, once again, takes maintenance. This is important and every woman struggles with it. Don’t be discouraged if you’re not “there” at 25 but don’t give up, either! 

BRIANNA: 16. Enough of a healthy relationship with her body that her contentment no longer hinges on comparison, or what her partner would think.

ME: Please see Nos. 1 & 15.

BRIANNA: 17. At least one date in her memory with the kind of partner who wouldn’t care about those things anyway.

ME: Sure, that would be nice to have by the time you’re 25, right?

BRIANNA: 18. Forgiveness if she’s dated men who haven’t quite matured as quickly as women tend to in their early 20s.

ME: Hm. I guess with my dating history (or lack thereof) I cannot really speak to this. I’ll step aside on this one.

BRIANNA: 19. The knowledge of what she wants in bed and the confidence to ask for it without feeling uncomfortable.

ME: I am particularly “uncomfortable” with this. Not EVERY 25 year old woman should have this “knowledge”. More on this later.

BRIANNA: 20. A drill, a non-stick pan, a credit card line nobody else has access to, a bra that she was measured for at the store and working knowledge of how to change a tire, unclog a pipe, make an investment and find shoes on the extra 40% rack.

ME: I concur. The only thing I’d add is that with the possession of all those belongings should come the knowledge of how to effectively and responsibly use all of them. And the shoes ARE an investment!

BRIANNA: 21. A relationship with her mother, even if it’s the decision that their relationship will be at least functioning, if not familial.

ME: YES. The importance of this cannot be underestimated.

BRIANNA: 22. A passport, a sturdy piece of luggage, and the ability to pack the essentials at a moment’s notice should she be offered the chance to get away for a weekend, a week, or a whole new life.

ME: I believe this, too. But I also know that traveling takes a lot more than applicable material things—it also takes the courage to get out of one’s comfort zone. The latter should be a constant pursuit.

BRIANNA: 23. The following emergency kit: Tylenol/Advil, eyedrops, a tampon, hand sanitizer, a fresh pair of underwear, a travel sized toothbrush, hydrocolloid bandages for blisters, $20 cash, a condom, and Plan B.

ME: This is where I take the most issue. EVERY woman must choose her birth “control” (though—I believe—most “control” in life is a mirage), and some women choose not to use it. But Brianna, please allow for those of us out there, few though we may be, who are alone and have chosen abstinence over condoms and pills AND for all the throngs of women of any relationship status that choose to approach this issue in a conscientious, ethical and even moral way that may not involve said items specifically. Not every woman needs all of these things in her emergency kit….

BRIANNA: 24. Forgiveness for who she was.

ME: And hopefully a willingness to at least begin to learn how to forgive others that have scarred her in life, too. We all have them.

BRIANNA: 25. An idea of who she wants to be.

ME: AND A WILLINGNESS TO LET THAT IDEA GROW TOO. 

For Sarah

The Jury daily a verdict gives
In a case of how a man life lives
Wait not a lifetime to wonder if
Just daily know what your 'right' is.

For the sum of days rightly lived
Is a list of verdicts daily giv'd--
Look ahead, but not too far;
If today's lived well, then right you are.

T. Emerson

Grace

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the idea of grace, and offering it to someone else. I made the comment that it seems that grace is often cheapened by naiveté, but deepened in meaning for the receiver when the receiver knows that you understand the gravity of the thing (or whatever) for which they need grace. God does this ultimately for us because, ultimately of course, HE is the only one that can fully grasp the gravity of the grace we need and offer it in whole omniscience. And when we do the same--offer grace--in the face of the sin and ugly we see even in our finite understanding of any given situation, it's echoing dimly this characteristic of God:

When grace so much less naive,

When grace so aware indeed,

When given free in knowledge

When granted much more in heed:

When offered in some enlightenment

Of all that did precede—

So much more the potent it,

That’s offered wholly free’d.

Of all that’s usual shrouded it,

And contrived that should it mean;

Such that man would tout it as,

Such as he would have it be--

Something to be quite merited

To be sought for brave indeed.

To this grace will not subdue herself

And become so cheap a thing.

To be earned, secured or gained or paid, 

(Anything other than given unbade)

This grace will never weather

And herself remain the same.

- T. Emerson

Mind

If Dickinson’s wars in books be stowed,

Then mine to the page I may also owe...

Warrior's work’s done unscathed not;

Battle sans wound is battle unfought

Just as costly a battle ‘mid men

Is the battle that wages forever within

Internal mind’s toil never does cease--

Nor eternal soul’s war 'gainst it’s lease

The two at odds till their end they find,

Nevermore earthly, the wars of the mind.

T. Emerson