Caution: Profanity

When I am stressed or in pain I find that I think and I write. I know this is something common to most writers—if not all—but it never ceases to surprise me. Kind of counter intuitively, what often comes out is a theme that I did not even realize was playing in the inner workings of my soul until I see it in writing. This note is another surprise.

A conversation has been playing in my head for the last few weeks. It struck a chord with me, but with everything going on and exams I had set it aside. It is becoming clearer now (not that things have calmed down). ;)

“Do you like that song ‘All About that Bass’?” asked a new friend.

“I like the Jimmy Fallon version.” I laughed. “But everything’s better with Jimmy Fallon. But no, I don’t really like the song—mostly the message.”

“Why? I thought the message would be empowering to women?”

“Not really.”

I had actually never really articulated this or realized I felt this way until he asked:

“It’s frustrating because I feel like ‘feminism’ talks out of both sides of ‘her’ mouth; on one side she doesn’t want to be objectified, but on another she seeks to objectify women in a new and different way—in this case by ‘celebrating’ bigger size. In the end it’s still objectification and it bugs me.”

After pausing for a moment, I added, “And I don’t think that’s how beauty should be used.”

Seemingly puzzled, he then asked how I thought beauty should be used. Of course he did, and I slightly regretted the addendum. I shrugged the question off by saying that it was a long conversation, but apparently this conversation has been going on inside of me ever since.

Here it is:

I hate the way our society generally looks at women. I have never really considered myself a feminist until this last year. I’m not really sure what changed specifically, but I guess the deeper my faith gets I really care about the way God meant for our sexuality (and read: genders) to be. Male or female. That said, I also hate the way our society views men. It’s ugly. We generally tend to "empower" women at the expense of men and that's a recipe for social distaster if you ask me. What a vicious circle that sets into motion. There is some serious polarization between the genders that is unhealthy and ridiculous and downright defiant of God’s idea for us to value and celebrate each other: strengths and weaknesses and  what we have to bring to the table for each other.

I know that is all incredibly vague, but I do not feel that it is worth the time to go into detail. And if anyone were to disagree with that statement, I would love to have a conversation about it. I am certainly up for input.

But I think the direction the conversation took inside of me was to ask myself just exactly how do I think beauty should be used and what am I doing now that speaks to that? Also, one caveat before I proceed: this perspective is from a 30 year old single woman, that has never known anything but that, so I am allowing for my perspectives to change in the future should that status ever change, but meanwhile I hope and strive for an outlook as objective as possible given my humanity and relationship situation.

I have long remarked that a woman has incredible power over a man. That is not meant to be yet another gender polarizing statement. I have also long remarked—indeed HOURS of conversations with girlfriends bear testimony to this fact—that a man has inordinate power over a woman too. I am simply choosing to address my own gender because that is the only one I can change. Really, I am the only one I can change.

Anyway...a woman has incredible power over a man. Said power cannot be divorced from the idea of “beauty,” whatever that may mean to you. Beauty, I believe, cannot be confused with sex appeal though they arguably overlap--and should, I think, if we’re really biblical about it. But this beauty, I have noticed, has an immense and inexorable potency to hurt or to heal. It is downright scary. I am particularly passionate about this because I have consistently seen this power used by women to meet needs in their lives that sometimes, if not often, they did not even know they had. Coming from a woman: it’s diabolical. And I’m not going to lie, I’ve done it. I do it. And it's so hard to not give into it.

I mean, to wit I have not wrecked anyone’s life or home or whatever, but there are still moments when I know I “wield” this power. I hate it. I hate it and I love it. But this beauty has an at least equal, if not greater power to offer healing to the world and community around it (her), and to call the people she knows and loves around her to be who they are supposed to be, and to become better people. To call one another to integrity. What I mean is, if I’m honest with myself, I truly believe that a beautiful woman (and please note, it is the furthest thing from my heart to invoke or praise physical appearance by the usage of that word here, that is not what I am trying to address) can use her “power” inherent in God-given beauty to call others to be who God wants them to be. And if they don't know God: to call them to be just better people and think about the deeper questions.

Idealistic? ABSOLUTELY. Crazy? Maybe. Do I believe this? Yeah, I think I do. I have had this conversation a few times before with various people of both genders, but I have never before had the courage to put it to writing. And there the conversation continues and forces me to ask myself why I have never wanted to commit to such a lofty ideal in writing.

The answer in the rawest, most honest of terms may seem to mildly defy the very notion of integrity to some, but nevertheless let me just tell you that my experience of trying to live this ideal out is FUCKING HARD. And it just gets harder. Trying to be a woman of “integrity” (okay, I know I need to find a new word) in today’s world is ridiculously difficult. FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE at times.  And lonely, and a litany of sob words with which I do not need to regale my (veritably non-existent) reader. It just sucks. Some days, especially lately, I've just wanted to throw in the towel. Seems futile.

I think the reason the conversation got under my skin is because I have been at a point where I am questioning this ideal and wondering if choosing to at least try to live up to it will truly make a difference in the lives of the people around me. I sometimes get impatient and what to see that “difference” as immediately as possible, granted, but still after an entire decade of my 20s choosing this previously under-articulated ideology I have moments where I wonder if it is worth it.

And this the war inside me these last few weeks. Who do I want to be and why? What kind of woman do I want to be and why?? Maybe this whole thing I made up in my head about how a woman can change the world around her blah, blah, blah needs to be revamped….Maybe…maybe people don’t really change after all.

When committed to writing, like I said, this internalized debate surprises me. Such a subconscious war of will and faith and reevaluation is intense, and I did not realize it was waging inside me. But it makes so much sense, too. Besides law school, no wonder I have been so exhausted.

And then. And then I had a moment when someone spoke right to the issue (that I didn't even know existed) and told me not to lose my faith—or rather, that I should know just how beautiful that faith was and that I should just know, just know that it does make a difference. And to stay true to that—whatever I do.

Those words went deeper than I would have thought. Unnervingly deep, but very God and very good—that’s how He does. At the moment I wasn’t aware of this war or that a weapon was just handed me, but I think I have at least for a moment come to peace with this FUCKING HARD that spurred a redefinition—or revowal of the integrity that I want to have in my person and that means necessarily my gender. I may be just one woman, but I think that I really do want to continue to yearn for God’s best in the people around me and to work, indeed fight for it with all the woman in me. That, I think I’ve figured out, is (at least a significant part of) integrity.

But, just to clarify, I don’t think that ever makes it not fucking hard. I just think that I needed a revisit to my nicely packaged ideas about who I want to be. If women have the power to "make or break" anything at all, I want my life to "make." And it breaks my heart when women do not take this responsibility seriously and tear down the men around them, trying to make them who they think they should be and not who GOD wants them to be. I'm guilty of this, I know, but God knows I don't want to be.

Right now, I have some amazing people in my life. I didn’t expound much on the “hurt vs. heal” thing that I mentioned, but I am also learning about how much of a role humanity plays in the potential to use the afore described beauty to HURT and how much of a role God plays in beauty’s potential to be a vessel for HEALING. Basically, I’m learning how healing is God’s work not mine. And how sometimes I need to just shut up, shut up, shut up. Did I mention that’s fucking hard?

Also, I think my word for 2015 is “Healing.” I am excited for what this means, and even though it is excruciatingly difficult. The most exciting part is though, I have a feeling it means healing not just for myself but for people around me too--but then I’m no clairvoyant. Whatever it means, if anything, this song keeps coming to my mind....Good night.

This is something bigger than me....