Thus Far

Today I found out I passed the bar exam. This was my second try. Words cannot begin to describe the exhilaration knowing that I am done with that part of my life—that I can continue in the legal field and I won’t ever have to do that part again. It feels amazing. I already feel lighter and I know that it will continue to sink in. That was an extremely difficult 4 years, and it’s over. Really, finally, and officially over. I get sworn in in a couple of weeks. 

There have been many congratulatory words today, which have been very meaningful. But I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to recognize publicly that this wasn’t me. Iknow that I didn’t do this myself. Yes, I worked hard, persevered, etc. But I wept when I finally had a moment: My Father carried me through this in a way I can’t really describe. I can’t put it to words right now, and maybe won’t be able to ever, but the important thing is, I know. This was the brand of difficult that won’t allow me to forget that I didn’t do this on my own.

I struggled with ADHD and depression all throughout law school. I finally got back to Alaska and it took me another 8 months to figure out that I was also struggling with health problems that contributed to both those things. I struggled all throughout law school more than I “should” have. (I say “should” because there’s theology there I don’t want to get into. The point is, I see God’s grace in it now, and it’s awestriking.) It’s taken me all year to crawl out of the hole I’d thought was “normal” and realize how unhealthy I’ve been—physically and otherwise—and I’m still crawling.  It’s taken me a year to get out of a pit of physical unhealth that I didn’t realize was largely (not entirely) the fount of my other emotional, mental health issues. I had flat out forgotten what healthy felt like. I’m only now starting to glimpse it again. It’s at once amazing and humbling. When we found out what was going on with me, my doctor said “I know why you didn’t pass the first time. We’ll take care of this.” And we are. Thank God.

But I know Who carried me. Who was there as I had to study longer, months longer than I had planned. I know what I’ve learned about perseverance and how not glamourous it is. I know the discipline and tears that I took to Him over and over. I know this wasn’t all me. I engaged with the process, yes, but it was only my Father that gave me what I needed to engage. This. Is. His. 

Somebody told me today that no one could ever take this from me. It’s sort of true, but it’s not really totally mine. It’s ours. We did this. He carried me thus far. I can’t take credit for this. And in realizing that I see the grace of God. For so many reasons He’s let me and carried me as we’ve walked through the hardest season of my life yet, but one of many things He’s protected me from in this process is my own pride: I CANNOT TAKE CREDIT FOR THIS. I DID NOT DO THIS.

Only I know this the way it needs to be known, and that’s all that matters. But I just want to say thank You, Father. You carried me thus far, and I know that. I know how much of this was You. Thank you from my tired, healing, full and humbled heart tonight.

I Love You.