I don't know if I actually thought this or just hoped: that because it was so clear that I was supposed to go to law school, God would bless the whole thing and I would own it. I would finish the top of my class and leave law school knowing exactly where God was headed with my degree and it would all make sense.
He definitely blessed it, but none of the rest of that is true. I'm learning that we are good at convincing ourselves that we don't have "expectations" about something, but then as we live out the situation God brings to light what our expectations actually were. And it's a test of character how we handle that.
It's that test of character that I've been starting to finally process, after 3 years of hell. I look back on these last 3 years and I see a narrative in which every last one of my limitations was tested.
Every.
Last.
One.
I'm sitting on "this side of the law" (or, hopefully...I find out if I'm actually a lawyer on Thursday), thinking about a thing Jesus said. He didn't mean for it to apply to this situation at all, but it's funny that it does. He said, basically, that the law will tell you how human you are, and how much you fall short of what God created you to be.
He was speaking about legalism, of course. More specifically, the Old Testament law. But it kind of works here. Or should I write:
Here, it is applicable. I hear my law professor in my head "here 'comma'...'therefore'.... But that's the thing. Right now I'm stuck somewhere in between the "here, 'comma'" and the "therefore". Or am I? All I've got right now is "therefore, Jesus."
I have ADD. I pray my way to work every morning now asking God to help me focus on my work and do good work, that I might earn favor with my employer. Who is very good at his job.
I'm needy right now. More needy than I'm comfortable being. I had a friend yesterday remind me how good I am at pouring out and not getting poured into. He's right, usually. But I'm not really sure how to be right now that I have so little to pour out. I'm fully tapped.
I'm tapped and fearful that, now that I'm back in Alaska, if I'm not careful the mild Seasonal Affectedness Disorder that I usually get in the winter could look a lot worse this year.
I don't want to go back to that place.
And then there's this: I don't know what's next. Do I pursue law librarianship? Will I pass the FSOT again--could this be the break I need?
God knows I don't want to get bored. I can't. I won't be healthy. But God also knows that without some key relationships in my life, I'm not healthy either. Will I have to compromise on one of those? If so, which will it be? Interesting that none of these questions are really new.
What's new is how much more aware and acquainted I am with my own humanity. I'm learning to let God have grace for that, but I would be remiss to not see how God has powerfully humbled me in these last 3 years.
I know that others look at me and think I "did it". But I know the truth, and I'm not just being cliché. I look back and wonder how I made it, how all my requirements and assignments got done and how...
*Sigh*
...how in Rome I kept putting one foot in front of the other, and kept getting out of bed.
I can't forget all that. I randomly find myself just saying to Him "I trust You." Or "I trust You with ____." And who am I kidding, that's not naturally me. THAT is fruit of this last little educational jaunt. The one that was about far more than the formation of just my mind.
I'm grateful, really, for this place. It's not comfortable. It's a place where I'm second guessing everything I say, move I make, whether I'm acting in the Holy Spirit or my own and wondering just how badly I'm messing things up, but where I keep coming back to something I often hear my sister say: "there's grace for that." And I trust Him.
I am so, so human. I'm more aware of that now than ever. But I hear that's when He does his best work. Who knows what's next. I just know (for the moment--again, I'm human) that there's grace for it.
He definitely blessed it, but none of the rest of that is true. I'm learning that we are good at convincing ourselves that we don't have "expectations" about something, but then as we live out the situation God brings to light what our expectations actually were. And it's a test of character how we handle that.
It's that test of character that I've been starting to finally process, after 3 years of hell. I look back on these last 3 years and I see a narrative in which every last one of my limitations was tested.
Every.
Last.
One.
I'm sitting on "this side of the law" (or, hopefully...I find out if I'm actually a lawyer on Thursday), thinking about a thing Jesus said. He didn't mean for it to apply to this situation at all, but it's funny that it does. He said, basically, that the law will tell you how human you are, and how much you fall short of what God created you to be.
He was speaking about legalism, of course. More specifically, the Old Testament law. But it kind of works here. Or should I write:
Here, it is applicable. I hear my law professor in my head "here 'comma'...'therefore'.... But that's the thing. Right now I'm stuck somewhere in between the "here, 'comma'" and the "therefore". Or am I? All I've got right now is "therefore, Jesus."
I have ADD. I pray my way to work every morning now asking God to help me focus on my work and do good work, that I might earn favor with my employer. Who is very good at his job.
I'm needy right now. More needy than I'm comfortable being. I had a friend yesterday remind me how good I am at pouring out and not getting poured into. He's right, usually. But I'm not really sure how to be right now that I have so little to pour out. I'm fully tapped.
I'm tapped and fearful that, now that I'm back in Alaska, if I'm not careful the mild Seasonal Affectedness Disorder that I usually get in the winter could look a lot worse this year.
I don't want to go back to that place.
And then there's this: I don't know what's next. Do I pursue law librarianship? Will I pass the FSOT again--could this be the break I need?
God knows I don't want to get bored. I can't. I won't be healthy. But God also knows that without some key relationships in my life, I'm not healthy either. Will I have to compromise on one of those? If so, which will it be? Interesting that none of these questions are really new.
What's new is how much more aware and acquainted I am with my own humanity. I'm learning to let God have grace for that, but I would be remiss to not see how God has powerfully humbled me in these last 3 years.
I know that others look at me and think I "did it". But I know the truth, and I'm not just being cliché. I look back and wonder how I made it, how all my requirements and assignments got done and how...
*Sigh*
...how in Rome I kept putting one foot in front of the other, and kept getting out of bed.
I can't forget all that. I randomly find myself just saying to Him "I trust You." Or "I trust You with ____." And who am I kidding, that's not naturally me. THAT is fruit of this last little educational jaunt. The one that was about far more than the formation of just my mind.
I'm grateful, really, for this place. It's not comfortable. It's a place where I'm second guessing everything I say, move I make, whether I'm acting in the Holy Spirit or my own and wondering just how badly I'm messing things up, but where I keep coming back to something I often hear my sister say: "there's grace for that." And I trust Him.
I am so, so human. I'm more aware of that now than ever. But I hear that's when He does his best work. Who knows what's next. I just know (for the moment--again, I'm human) that there's grace for it.
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