I'm not really sure why all of the sudden this blog is receiving my attention again.
It's no secret that my head has been in Alaska and not really here lately. I have no problem making it known how excited I am to go home. Yet, I've also been thinking about how difficult probably some parts of going home will be. Nowhere is perfect. Because people, basically.
And I'm one of them. And I'm particularly struggling with this lately: I am full of international passions and gifts. And yet I call Alaska home. Alaska has a total population of less than 800,000 people, and it is by no mean on the international legal radar. Nor are international pursuits really on Alaska's radar. I mean, Alaskans love to travel. But then they come home. Alaskans love to experience the world, but not change it.
Where do I fit into this? I don't know.
I love Italy, I love learning new languages, I love all things international...but I have never done well overseas by myself. My stints living overseas represent difficult periods in my life where I found myself emotionally unhealthy, generally lonely, and longing to come home. I mean, if I'm honest, law school and Minnesota have been like that too.
So, how do these things reconcile? How do I go live up to my "international potential" for lack of better terms and be healthy and whole? It's not like I neglect my spiritual life when I'm overseas--God knows--so, it's not like that's the crucial piece I'm missing.
Or, how do I stay in Alaska and pursue all my love of other cultures and languages and giving to the world that has So. Much. Need. Everywhere? I don't know.
I'm struggling a bit with this law librarian thing. In a sense, I feel like if I choose that I'm saying goodbye to Alaska forever. I know that's not necessarily true, but it feels that way right now. It feels like if I pursue this career then I'm at the mercy of where I can find a job that fits me, and I am no longer the master of my geography. And I worry if I can be healthy. How many times do I need to rebuild my life in a new place again all by myself?
But conversely, I feel like if I stay in Alaska I'll be denouncing other deep parts of me that I can't authentically live without pursuing. But emotionally, I might be way healthier. I would be in a place where I've invested, loved, am loved back, invested in, known.
So, again, how do these things reconcile? I don't know. Somehow I'm hoping that this question will answer itself this summer. Maybe I'll really like just being a lawyer once I actually do it. Maybe I'll know when I get there that I'm never supposed to leave again.
Or maybe it'll be another painful summer where I realize I need to move on again, but God is good. Or maybe I'm making a crossroads out of something that's not really a turning point. It wouldn't be the first time I did that!
I don't know. It's just stuff I've been thinking about. Time will tell, I'm curious to see how I've changed, how Alaska's changed in the last 3 years.
It's no secret that my head has been in Alaska and not really here lately. I have no problem making it known how excited I am to go home. Yet, I've also been thinking about how difficult probably some parts of going home will be. Nowhere is perfect. Because people, basically.
And I'm one of them. And I'm particularly struggling with this lately: I am full of international passions and gifts. And yet I call Alaska home. Alaska has a total population of less than 800,000 people, and it is by no mean on the international legal radar. Nor are international pursuits really on Alaska's radar. I mean, Alaskans love to travel. But then they come home. Alaskans love to experience the world, but not change it.
Where do I fit into this? I don't know.
I love Italy, I love learning new languages, I love all things international...but I have never done well overseas by myself. My stints living overseas represent difficult periods in my life where I found myself emotionally unhealthy, generally lonely, and longing to come home. I mean, if I'm honest, law school and Minnesota have been like that too.
So, how do these things reconcile? How do I go live up to my "international potential" for lack of better terms and be healthy and whole? It's not like I neglect my spiritual life when I'm overseas--God knows--so, it's not like that's the crucial piece I'm missing.
Or, how do I stay in Alaska and pursue all my love of other cultures and languages and giving to the world that has So. Much. Need. Everywhere? I don't know.
I'm struggling a bit with this law librarian thing. In a sense, I feel like if I choose that I'm saying goodbye to Alaska forever. I know that's not necessarily true, but it feels that way right now. It feels like if I pursue this career then I'm at the mercy of where I can find a job that fits me, and I am no longer the master of my geography. And I worry if I can be healthy. How many times do I need to rebuild my life in a new place again all by myself?
But conversely, I feel like if I stay in Alaska I'll be denouncing other deep parts of me that I can't authentically live without pursuing. But emotionally, I might be way healthier. I would be in a place where I've invested, loved, am loved back, invested in, known.
So, again, how do these things reconcile? I don't know. Somehow I'm hoping that this question will answer itself this summer. Maybe I'll really like just being a lawyer once I actually do it. Maybe I'll know when I get there that I'm never supposed to leave again.
Or maybe it'll be another painful summer where I realize I need to move on again, but God is good. Or maybe I'm making a crossroads out of something that's not really a turning point. It wouldn't be the first time I did that!
I don't know. It's just stuff I've been thinking about. Time will tell, I'm curious to see how I've changed, how Alaska's changed in the last 3 years.
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