Qu'est-ce que je deviens, Seigneur? Qu'est-ce que je vais être, un jour, Dieu?
Je ne sais quoi--absolumment rien--par rapport à cela, je pense. Mais j'y reflèchis parfois.
Et j'y reflèchis, Père, parce que je veux tant devenir cela, ce que tu as pour moi. Je ne veux rien manquer. Ce sont peut-être des grandes choses que tu veux pour moi et je ne veux rien manque. C'est une vraie possibilité, ça. Ne me laisse pas dériver de votre voie. Je serais crevée.
Ce que je serais, je sais, n'arrivera pas sans "approche" et sans le jour par jour dans votre Espirit. Comme on dit en anglais, Rôme n'était pas costruite dans un jour. C'est moi. Ne me laisse pas l'oublier. Je suis completement à Toi.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
In Crazy Flux
So, this is where I'm at for the moment: I'm finishing up at Grand Targhee Ski & Summer Resort as a server at the Targhee Steakhouse in the next couple of days. I'm flying home in two days, and leaving from PDX the next morning to fly to Florida and hopefully get on a cruise for a week(ish). I'll then have a week, yes ONE week at "home" before I begin to head up to Alaska again. A four to five day road trip with a friend and some frost eaves and then I'm on to the next adventure. Which should be just quite such a thing. I'm going back to work for the same company as last year, but I'm going to the manager. I'm experiencing, really, equal parts of excitement and freaking out about this new position, but that's another thing entirely.
I was telling a friend this morning the story of how I ended up at Targhee on the way up the hill to work this morning. I laughed when I realized kind of how crazy it all sounded because it was so last minute and spur of the moment. It was so God too.
I laughed, yes, but I'm also really grateful. I'm grateful not only for the experience that I've had being here in Driggs, ID, but also for how far I've come. And then, I'm also convicted à la fois about how far I have to go.
About 3 years ago, when my brother Jesse went into the Marines I was suddenly thrust into keen awareness of how much I found my security in my family. This became apparent through the absence of my brother and I took him leaving really hard. No really, I cried for six months about the whole thing. We were so close. I remember feeling kind of stupid that it had hit me so hard, but I really learned that different people just feel things differently. And I also learned that my source of security was horizontal not vertical.
During one tearful conversation with God , I remember how tenderly he told me and brought the point home that He wanted to be my source of security. My "all in all" to use the recently-become-slightly-cliché phrase. Though it may not seem like it relates, I remember at the time this verse often coming to mind:
For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain. Philippians 1:21
That's where he wants me to be. My dad once wisely said that every human being has two basic needs: significance and security. This statement of Paul's answers to both of those. I have always significance in Him, but I needed to find my security completely in Him as well. The next couple of years was a long and painful journey to begin learning that, and today I was grateful for how far I'd come, just thiking about these past few months. I now travel so much, and work seasonally, and am able to enjoy it so much because my security is becoming found in my Father. But I've still got so far to go.
I was reading someone else's blog today that kind of touched on the same kind of thing. He inserted a really pertinent and convicting excerpt from a book called The Nature Of God: Upgrading Your Image of God and Who He wants to be for You, by Graham Cooke. I might have to get my hands on it:
“Whenever we move into a new spiritual dimension of our calling and our ministry, we must take the time to upgrade our relationship with God. Our calling comes at different levels at different times; it is a progressive journey of discovery. When God takes us into the next phase of our calling, our relationship with Him must also change.
Throughout our lives, we will enter into many different phases and experiences. It might be a marriage or the birth of a child, a significant work promotion, a new responsibility, a new ministry, or any other type of change. In seasons like that, we must take the time to upgrade our peace and rest in the Lord. If we enter a new situation without fully immersing ourselves in the stillness of God, we will live on our adrenaline and not out of our spirit. This power boost may seem sufficient at the moment, but for every adrenaline high, there is also an adrenaline low. We cannot sustain that needed adrenaline rush over the long term. Eventually, our energy will wither away and the new season will overwhelm us. We must learn to live in a place of rest in the spirit.
Every experience of God, even resting in Him, should enable us to see Him in a different light. Therefore, we need to constantly re-evaluate our relationship with Him and take a deeper look at our walk with Him. We must critically examine our current picture of God and determine whether it is strong enough for the next stage of our life and call. If it’s not, the stress that we will experience will put pressure on us to quit or scale down our involvement in the new seasons of our lives. That same battle fatigue causes us to shrink back from the challenges facing us. Exhausted, we will talk ourselves out of taking the risks necessary to advance the Kingdom of God. God has given us the ability to live under His wing – we must recognize that we exist within the safety of His love and grace, and not on our own.
I cannot emphasize this enough – every time we are led into a new phase of our journey, we must take time to upgrade our image of God. We can travel confidently into any new experience, no matter how challenging or difficult, in our relationship with Him. God wants to build up your confidence right now, taking it to a whole new dimension.
When we enter a new season it is important to ask ourselves relevant questions regarding its likely impact on all of our relationships and current responsibilities. Present levels of stress will need to be adjusted in the light of deeper peace and rest that will be required on the next leg of the journey.
Change is much better if it is gradual rather than a large overwhelming transformation requiring immediate extensive attention. The two questions required of us in a consistent basis are found in Acts 2, verses 12 and 37:
What does this mean?
What must we do?
How will these adjustments affect our relationship with God and one another? How will this new season deepen my love, joy and peace in the Holy Spirit?
We need to gain a fresh and more powerful image of the nature of God. We need to practice our peace and our patience so that we can break through, in harmony with others, into a new dimension of the Spirit.” (Pages 11-13; emphasis mine)
Wow. This is where I'm at. Or rather, what I need to be doing. This is what I did not do before heading to Alaska last summer. And most of all right now, this is what I'm a little bit of a loss as to how to start doing.
So, this is my prayer:
Father,
Show me how to update my view of you. I struggle at times to connect you with my everyday experiences and relationship and with compartmentalizing my spirituality apart from the rest of the areas of my life. I want infusion of your Spirit into every last facet of my life, and show me where to begin on this journey. You're becoming my security. I want to get to that place, God, where to live is You and to die is gain. I'm changing, my life is changing a lot these days. Let me relationship with you not lag, but be where it needs to be to grow. Let my growth in You not be stunted by my weakness in struggling to spend time with you and focus on You, and what you're doing. Let me not forget to tremble.
-T. Emerson
I was telling a friend this morning the story of how I ended up at Targhee on the way up the hill to work this morning. I laughed when I realized kind of how crazy it all sounded because it was so last minute and spur of the moment. It was so God too.
I laughed, yes, but I'm also really grateful. I'm grateful not only for the experience that I've had being here in Driggs, ID, but also for how far I've come. And then, I'm also convicted à la fois about how far I have to go.
About 3 years ago, when my brother Jesse went into the Marines I was suddenly thrust into keen awareness of how much I found my security in my family. This became apparent through the absence of my brother and I took him leaving really hard. No really, I cried for six months about the whole thing. We were so close. I remember feeling kind of stupid that it had hit me so hard, but I really learned that different people just feel things differently. And I also learned that my source of security was horizontal not vertical.
During one tearful conversation with God , I remember how tenderly he told me and brought the point home that He wanted to be my source of security. My "all in all" to use the recently-become-slightly-cliché phrase. Though it may not seem like it relates, I remember at the time this verse often coming to mind:
For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain. Philippians 1:21
That's where he wants me to be. My dad once wisely said that every human being has two basic needs: significance and security. This statement of Paul's answers to both of those. I have always significance in Him, but I needed to find my security completely in Him as well. The next couple of years was a long and painful journey to begin learning that, and today I was grateful for how far I'd come, just thiking about these past few months. I now travel so much, and work seasonally, and am able to enjoy it so much because my security is becoming found in my Father. But I've still got so far to go.
I was reading someone else's blog today that kind of touched on the same kind of thing. He inserted a really pertinent and convicting excerpt from a book called The Nature Of God: Upgrading Your Image of God and Who He wants to be for You, by Graham Cooke. I might have to get my hands on it:
“Whenever we move into a new spiritual dimension of our calling and our ministry, we must take the time to upgrade our relationship with God. Our calling comes at different levels at different times; it is a progressive journey of discovery. When God takes us into the next phase of our calling, our relationship with Him must also change.
Throughout our lives, we will enter into many different phases and experiences. It might be a marriage or the birth of a child, a significant work promotion, a new responsibility, a new ministry, or any other type of change. In seasons like that, we must take the time to upgrade our peace and rest in the Lord. If we enter a new situation without fully immersing ourselves in the stillness of God, we will live on our adrenaline and not out of our spirit. This power boost may seem sufficient at the moment, but for every adrenaline high, there is also an adrenaline low. We cannot sustain that needed adrenaline rush over the long term. Eventually, our energy will wither away and the new season will overwhelm us. We must learn to live in a place of rest in the spirit.
Every experience of God, even resting in Him, should enable us to see Him in a different light. Therefore, we need to constantly re-evaluate our relationship with Him and take a deeper look at our walk with Him. We must critically examine our current picture of God and determine whether it is strong enough for the next stage of our life and call. If it’s not, the stress that we will experience will put pressure on us to quit or scale down our involvement in the new seasons of our lives. That same battle fatigue causes us to shrink back from the challenges facing us. Exhausted, we will talk ourselves out of taking the risks necessary to advance the Kingdom of God. God has given us the ability to live under His wing – we must recognize that we exist within the safety of His love and grace, and not on our own.
I cannot emphasize this enough – every time we are led into a new phase of our journey, we must take time to upgrade our image of God. We can travel confidently into any new experience, no matter how challenging or difficult, in our relationship with Him. God wants to build up your confidence right now, taking it to a whole new dimension.
When we enter a new season it is important to ask ourselves relevant questions regarding its likely impact on all of our relationships and current responsibilities. Present levels of stress will need to be adjusted in the light of deeper peace and rest that will be required on the next leg of the journey.
Change is much better if it is gradual rather than a large overwhelming transformation requiring immediate extensive attention. The two questions required of us in a consistent basis are found in Acts 2, verses 12 and 37:
What does this mean?
What must we do?
How will these adjustments affect our relationship with God and one another? How will this new season deepen my love, joy and peace in the Holy Spirit?
We need to gain a fresh and more powerful image of the nature of God. We need to practice our peace and our patience so that we can break through, in harmony with others, into a new dimension of the Spirit.” (Pages 11-13; emphasis mine)
Wow. This is where I'm at. Or rather, what I need to be doing. This is what I did not do before heading to Alaska last summer. And most of all right now, this is what I'm a little bit of a loss as to how to start doing.
So, this is my prayer:
Father,
Show me how to update my view of you. I struggle at times to connect you with my everyday experiences and relationship and with compartmentalizing my spirituality apart from the rest of the areas of my life. I want infusion of your Spirit into every last facet of my life, and show me where to begin on this journey. You're becoming my security. I want to get to that place, God, where to live is You and to die is gain. I'm changing, my life is changing a lot these days. Let me relationship with you not lag, but be where it needs to be to grow. Let my growth in You not be stunted by my weakness in struggling to spend time with you and focus on You, and what you're doing. Let me not forget to tremble.
-T. Emerson
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Friend
Oh this strange, curious race,
This peculiar thing called Man--
That yearns so far and reaching
To with another stand.
The state of "sole" and "self"
Has its sweet but temporal place
But remain it can't, forever
Else its goodness be effaced.
The need of a worthy companion
In its void is well perceived;
Such a requirement too delicate
To not be soon relieved.
-T. Emerson
This peculiar thing called Man--
That yearns so far and reaching
To with another stand.
The state of "sole" and "self"
Has its sweet but temporal place
But remain it can't, forever
Else its goodness be effaced.
The need of a worthy companion
In its void is well perceived;
Such a requirement too delicate
To not be soon relieved.
-T. Emerson
Friday, March 7, 2008
Existant
Wherein lay the troubled day
That awaits some deserved toil,
Of one who lives not circumspect
To the moment of all Despoil?
It lay within the very choice
That thing so called "decision":
The every instant that one takes
The path of Most Derision.
The Derision occurs not at once,
Rather every fleeting instant
That one takes in not remembering
The reason he's even existant.
-T. Emerson
That awaits some deserved toil,
Of one who lives not circumspect
To the moment of all Despoil?
It lay within the very choice
That thing so called "decision":
The every instant that one takes
The path of Most Derision.
The Derision occurs not at once,
Rather every fleeting instant
That one takes in not remembering
The reason he's even existant.
-T. Emerson
Friday, February 15, 2008
More Conclusions (May they never end).
I just finished reading The Count of Monte Cristo today. It was amazing. I know everyone says that, but it's true. I have no doubt that I'm going to be mentally chewing on these 1450 pages of French masterpiece for quite some time now that I've at last concluded it! (I've been slowing chipping away at whenever I could for about the last month, I'm a slow reader). That's good though, good literature should always make you think. I was once told that a good book, one should find, ends up reading you by the end of it, and not just the other way around. I love that feeling. This one totally does that.
There's this one thing that the Count says at the end of the book that made me think today about what I've realized this last week, I was just talking to my dad about it the other day. And, as I read it today, I found it appropriately articulated what I felt, in a way. The Count is advising a younger man--Morrel, to "hope" in life and not give into despair and the grief that gripped his life. In so doing this is what he says:
"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison or fone state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life." -Monte Cristo
Though I've not experienced anything like the grief and torment of these characters as described in the book, I can certainly appreciate the principle portrayed here. One can appreciate something more when they are familiar with it's absence or opposite in life. I just liked the way the Count put it and how it related to me (well, everyone, really).
I've realized in the last week that I'm kind of lonely. I hesitate to even use the word, because it's kind of in a good way. But I just don't know what other word to use, so there it is.
I have met a lot of new people and even continued some previous relationships in the last six weeks that I've been here. It's been so much fun and I'm so glad I came and I know I'm supposed to be here. I love it! I must confess that I don't always love the job, but that's work...it would be wrong to always love it, right? There are a few people that I've really been getting to know, and some that will be going up to Alaska with me this summer and I'm so excited for it!
I love (most) all of these people that I've met and love getting to know them, and (did I mention this already) I'm having a blast! However. It so happens, and this is kind of the cool part, that in the midst of all of this fun I'm having with my new friends and aquaintances I'm reminded of just how precious the deep relationships I have with my family and friends that I've left back home and all over the country/world really are. I'm reminded acutely of how blessed I am to have the friends I already have.
Building new relationships has gotten increasingly difficult for me over the last few years. It's really not for lack of skill or ability to do it, I think it's more for lack of desire. I don't know if that's wrong. I love people, don't misunderstand me, but I love being at a certain level in a friendship more than I love getting there. I hope that makes sense. But you just can't get there instantaneously, it of course takes time, and maybe it's just that I'm impatient. That's probably it. And that's where I'm at and what I'm doing at the moment.
I can say that I am so excited about going back to Alaska this summer. And I'm excited because I already have relationships up there. Good ones, I feel, that I cannot wait to continue. And even more, I'm bringing some long time friends up there with me that I love dearly. I'm so excited! I kind of feel like last summer was the pioneer part (hard, yes), and I hope that this year and the ones to come, hopefully, will continue to reap the benefits of that. I can't wait.
But I will wait. Because there's a season for anything. And I don't want to waste my time here looking forward to the summer and not appreciate my time here. I'm working at a freaking ski resort! That's awesome! I want to live for the moment in proportion to how much I look forward to the future. I'm not gonna miss out on the reasons I'm here, and the relationships that I'm building right now. I'd regret that. Who knows where any of them could lead?
I'm just going to enjoy this season of getting to know new people and appreciate the fact that it allows me to also appreciate those that I already have in my life.
Thanks, God. :-)
There's this one thing that the Count says at the end of the book that made me think today about what I've realized this last week, I was just talking to my dad about it the other day. And, as I read it today, I found it appropriately articulated what I felt, in a way. The Count is advising a younger man--Morrel, to "hope" in life and not give into despair and the grief that gripped his life. In so doing this is what he says:
"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison or fone state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life." -Monte Cristo
Though I've not experienced anything like the grief and torment of these characters as described in the book, I can certainly appreciate the principle portrayed here. One can appreciate something more when they are familiar with it's absence or opposite in life. I just liked the way the Count put it and how it related to me (well, everyone, really).
I've realized in the last week that I'm kind of lonely. I hesitate to even use the word, because it's kind of in a good way. But I just don't know what other word to use, so there it is.
I have met a lot of new people and even continued some previous relationships in the last six weeks that I've been here. It's been so much fun and I'm so glad I came and I know I'm supposed to be here. I love it! I must confess that I don't always love the job, but that's work...it would be wrong to always love it, right? There are a few people that I've really been getting to know, and some that will be going up to Alaska with me this summer and I'm so excited for it!
I love (most) all of these people that I've met and love getting to know them, and (did I mention this already) I'm having a blast! However. It so happens, and this is kind of the cool part, that in the midst of all of this fun I'm having with my new friends and aquaintances I'm reminded of just how precious the deep relationships I have with my family and friends that I've left back home and all over the country/world really are. I'm reminded acutely of how blessed I am to have the friends I already have.
Building new relationships has gotten increasingly difficult for me over the last few years. It's really not for lack of skill or ability to do it, I think it's more for lack of desire. I don't know if that's wrong. I love people, don't misunderstand me, but I love being at a certain level in a friendship more than I love getting there. I hope that makes sense. But you just can't get there instantaneously, it of course takes time, and maybe it's just that I'm impatient. That's probably it. And that's where I'm at and what I'm doing at the moment.
I can say that I am so excited about going back to Alaska this summer. And I'm excited because I already have relationships up there. Good ones, I feel, that I cannot wait to continue. And even more, I'm bringing some long time friends up there with me that I love dearly. I'm so excited! I kind of feel like last summer was the pioneer part (hard, yes), and I hope that this year and the ones to come, hopefully, will continue to reap the benefits of that. I can't wait.
But I will wait. Because there's a season for anything. And I don't want to waste my time here looking forward to the summer and not appreciate my time here. I'm working at a freaking ski resort! That's awesome! I want to live for the moment in proportion to how much I look forward to the future. I'm not gonna miss out on the reasons I'm here, and the relationships that I'm building right now. I'd regret that. Who knows where any of them could lead?
I'm just going to enjoy this season of getting to know new people and appreciate the fact that it allows me to also appreciate those that I already have in my life.
Thanks, God. :-)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
To really know.
I don't ever want to know who I am. I mean, I want to be self-aware and know things about myself, but I don't ever want get stuck being who I am long enough to really know who I am.
I want to be ever-changing. I want to be ever-growing. I want everything about me to be channelled for the better. What's amazing is that even my personal pitfalls, I know, if overcome can be strengths. This is what I want.
I never want to be coward enough to avoid transformation. I never want to shy from personal, mental, spiritual growth. I want to learn to take difficulty--how ever great or small--and use it to stretch myself and appreciate it for its capacity to enable, if not catalyze self-amelioration.
I don't ever want to fully know who I am. A lofty ideal, so true. But still, one I think I must hold. The challenge is to stay focused on this. I fail, fall, so often. But I'll never quit getting up, I think. Does this even make sense?
I want to be ever-changing. I want to be ever-growing. I want everything about me to be channelled for the better. What's amazing is that even my personal pitfalls, I know, if overcome can be strengths. This is what I want.
I never want to be coward enough to avoid transformation. I never want to shy from personal, mental, spiritual growth. I want to learn to take difficulty--how ever great or small--and use it to stretch myself and appreciate it for its capacity to enable, if not catalyze self-amelioration.
I don't ever want to fully know who I am. A lofty ideal, so true. But still, one I think I must hold. The challenge is to stay focused on this. I fail, fall, so often. But I'll never quit getting up, I think. Does this even make sense?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
For the first time in my life....
You know, for the first time in my life--that is, since I ever really had realistic and self-aware plans for my future--my ultimate motivation is no longer to end up in Europe. I realized this just this week during a couple of conversations with some friends.
Ever since I began to get serious about my French studies (High School) my plan was to live in Europe someday and maybe for the rest of my life. I've always felt that way. I've always itched for new experiences, languages, and places. I dreaded the idea of a 9-5 existence speaking English for the rest of my life. That was the alternative in my mind. (Extremist? What?)
I was talking to Karissa the other day and the subject of "settling down" came up. Karissa, Abby and I want to move to Boulder, CO. I told her that when we did, that would be "it" for me. I think she was a little surprised.
I want to teach French. I realize that I'm only (nearing) 24, but when I look back on my past experiences and endeavors and pursuits and at what I loved the most, two things come to mind. I never felt more alive than when I was one, teaching foreign language (even Spanish, which is my least favorite language that I speak), and two, in Italy, speaking and "being" ;-) Italian. I feel like I know what I'm good at and passionate about: there is nothing like watching your students put together sounds, then words, then sentences in another language and watching them light up in understanding that they are beginning to communicate in another tongue and then realizing that you taught them. Amazing. I want to teach French. How Italy fits in with that, if at all, remains to be seen. Hm.
A year ago Abby started talking about all three of us (and whoever else, who knows...) moving to Colorado after she and Karissa finished school. At first I was agreed that it would be cool, but reticent that it was the "right thing", because I always knew that I'd move to Europe as soon as I could. But, I started to think about it. Then, as she and I began to talk about it, she confessed that she wanted to travel before she "settled down" (there's that pair of words again) and so we promptly decided to take a trip around the world before we moved.
Still, reticence. Never a missed beat about the trip around the world, but still about Colorado. It was still in the US. But, after graduating from college and choosing the seasonal-job-so-you-can-travel lifestyle over that of the previously mentioned 9-5 existence and coming to the realization that my gifts and passions did not call me to wait tables for the rest of my life (at least the single part of it) I began to think about what I did want to do.
The conclusion was, obviously, that I want to teach. I love it. I love languages and I love the way teaching allows me to invest my self in people's minds and lives.
I know that I can't teach French without a M.A. And, interesting enough, whenever we would talk about Colorado, the city of Boulder always resonated in me with more comfort--if that's even the word--than any other place we ever talked about. And, strangely enough it's a college town. The University of Colorado at Boulder has an awesome French department, where, if I gain some kinesthetic linguistic experience (more on that later) I can apply for a scholarship and stipend to teach lower division French at the school while I aquire an M.A. in the language. (!)
I'm getting increasingly excited about the whole thing. I want to do it. Boulder, CO, much to my surprise--no, borderline shock--is feeling more and more "right" and that's the direction I'm headed. 100%. It might get changed, things happen, but one must be heading somewhere in order to even be able to be sidetracked, right?
But I think this will be it. I think Boulder will be me settling down for a bit. Who knows. This Fall we're leaving for a few months to travel the world. I'll then go back to Alaska for another summer and then I'll go get that immersion/teaching experience that I need in France for a school year. I'll then (perhaps) do Alaska again and then head to CO for my next degree. I'm excited.
And then I have no idea from there. I'll teach I suppose. But I'll be something like 28, and maybe ready to "settle down". Maybe in Italy. Just kidding. On verra: que sera, sera.
I'm so hopeful and excited about what's ahead of me and these plans that we, I have. And I'm amazed and humbled a bit at how they've evolved from the original ultimatum that I had to be European (haha) as soon as I possibly could. I still wouldn't be surprised if I ended up there at some point. We'll see. But what's changed, really, is that for the first time ever, I'm OK with not being there, and am even ecstatic about what that may mean for me here in the States. That's awesome, I think.
And I can't wait.
Ever since I began to get serious about my French studies (High School) my plan was to live in Europe someday and maybe for the rest of my life. I've always felt that way. I've always itched for new experiences, languages, and places. I dreaded the idea of a 9-5 existence speaking English for the rest of my life. That was the alternative in my mind. (Extremist? What?)
I was talking to Karissa the other day and the subject of "settling down" came up. Karissa, Abby and I want to move to Boulder, CO. I told her that when we did, that would be "it" for me. I think she was a little surprised.
I want to teach French. I realize that I'm only (nearing) 24, but when I look back on my past experiences and endeavors and pursuits and at what I loved the most, two things come to mind. I never felt more alive than when I was one, teaching foreign language (even Spanish, which is my least favorite language that I speak), and two, in Italy, speaking and "being" ;-) Italian. I feel like I know what I'm good at and passionate about: there is nothing like watching your students put together sounds, then words, then sentences in another language and watching them light up in understanding that they are beginning to communicate in another tongue and then realizing that you taught them. Amazing. I want to teach French. How Italy fits in with that, if at all, remains to be seen. Hm.
A year ago Abby started talking about all three of us (and whoever else, who knows...) moving to Colorado after she and Karissa finished school. At first I was agreed that it would be cool, but reticent that it was the "right thing", because I always knew that I'd move to Europe as soon as I could. But, I started to think about it. Then, as she and I began to talk about it, she confessed that she wanted to travel before she "settled down" (there's that pair of words again) and so we promptly decided to take a trip around the world before we moved.
Still, reticence. Never a missed beat about the trip around the world, but still about Colorado. It was still in the US. But, after graduating from college and choosing the seasonal-job-so-you-can-travel lifestyle over that of the previously mentioned 9-5 existence and coming to the realization that my gifts and passions did not call me to wait tables for the rest of my life (at least the single part of it) I began to think about what I did want to do.
The conclusion was, obviously, that I want to teach. I love it. I love languages and I love the way teaching allows me to invest my self in people's minds and lives.
I know that I can't teach French without a M.A. And, interesting enough, whenever we would talk about Colorado, the city of Boulder always resonated in me with more comfort--if that's even the word--than any other place we ever talked about. And, strangely enough it's a college town. The University of Colorado at Boulder has an awesome French department, where, if I gain some kinesthetic linguistic experience (more on that later) I can apply for a scholarship and stipend to teach lower division French at the school while I aquire an M.A. in the language. (!)
I'm getting increasingly excited about the whole thing. I want to do it. Boulder, CO, much to my surprise--no, borderline shock--is feeling more and more "right" and that's the direction I'm headed. 100%. It might get changed, things happen, but one must be heading somewhere in order to even be able to be sidetracked, right?
But I think this will be it. I think Boulder will be me settling down for a bit. Who knows. This Fall we're leaving for a few months to travel the world. I'll then go back to Alaska for another summer and then I'll go get that immersion/teaching experience that I need in France for a school year. I'll then (perhaps) do Alaska again and then head to CO for my next degree. I'm excited.
And then I have no idea from there. I'll teach I suppose. But I'll be something like 28, and maybe ready to "settle down". Maybe in Italy. Just kidding. On verra: que sera, sera.
I'm so hopeful and excited about what's ahead of me and these plans that we, I have. And I'm amazed and humbled a bit at how they've evolved from the original ultimatum that I had to be European (haha) as soon as I possibly could. I still wouldn't be surprised if I ended up there at some point. We'll see. But what's changed, really, is that for the first time ever, I'm OK with not being there, and am even ecstatic about what that may mean for me here in the States. That's awesome, I think.
And I can't wait.
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