A Few Things

I've recently had some major upheaval in some significant relationships in my life. I pray that my words around the upheaval I speak of would be life-giving and sparing. In all my own humanity, this season has brought me some valuable lessons that I've already begun to put to work (and I'm delighted so say I've already seen some fruit). Here are a few things this weird newness is teaching me:

• Don't assume. It doesn't matter how many years you've poured into a relationship, no matter how much you might think that years of walking a road together may have put you on the same page and you finally "get" each other, you don't always. In fact, probably most of the time you don't. And that's okay. This is where it can actually get really beautiful if you choose to be healthy about it. If something isn't clear: ask. If it's only partially clear: clarify. Don't assume. It can lead to really ugly things.

• Clear up misunderstandings or hurts right away. It might seem small, and you might think you're being "forgiving" by not bringing an offense up--and sometimes it might be true--but when you don't speak up for too many times, the little things you think you forgave add up. You end up thinking yourself a gracious person to the other for all the times you "forgave" them when, in fact, you were missing a huge part of the picture many times over and you actually completely missed where their heart was when they said or did something(s). This can breed unnecessary and destructive bitterness. So, if it doesn't make sense or sit right: ask about it as soon as convenient. You might be surprised. Sometimes you actually learn a ton about how other people think and it stretches and grows you. Ask, clarify, and don't assume. It also deepens your relationship.

• If it's not the kind of relationship where you can do this, it's probably not healthy. Enough said.

• Don't give more than you're getting over long periods of time. We all have seasons where we need more than we can give. Sometimes those seasons last months--even years--but if you've gone too many years without seeing effort that you need from the other person, it's not healthy or sustainable. Don't be selfish about this, but also don't be an enabler. Enabling is actually selfish and sometimes stems from control issues. (So let that go!)

• This one might seem obvious, but it wasn't obvious to me for too long: it's not just okay to have needs in a friendship,  it's healthy.  It's not okay to need a human more than Jesus, but it is okay to lean on your friends in times of need. That's why He put them there. It's not selfish to articulate your genuine needs. Don't replace God with friends (or any other relationship), but don't think it's selfish to say what you need to those who love you and expect that they will respond in a loving way. It's a vulnerable thing to do, but it opens up space for depth that you couldn't know otherwise.

• If it's not the kind of relationship where you can do this, it's probably not healthy.

• There's a difference between loving someone and loving them well. Strive to not just love someone, but love them the way they need to be loved. This can be confusing sometimes. Ask, clarify, and don't assume.

• I've learned that it is unsafe to assume that someone's behavior always demonstrates their heart. That idea is an oversimplification. Humans are complex beings, embedded in even more complex context, and we can't begin to know what is going on in someone's heart or attendant circumstances. In a healthy relationship: ask, clarify, and don't assume. You might be surprised how much you learn and how much more compassion you have to gain.

• Shame is not a friend. EVER. Nor is a friend whose input in your life brings shame. If someone's input brings shame instead of life-giving awareness, something's wrong. It might be your own narratives through which you're hearing the input (examine this carefully!), and it might be your friend's perspective or even delivery--regardless, something is wrong. Get to the bottom of it and address it. Jesus leaves no room for shame.

• However: I will fail. I will fail. I will fail. It's human. Healthy friendship loves through failure and is not a source of shame over your failure. I must also remember that others will fail me too, just as I fail them. I must have grace for myself and others as well all move forward trying to do better. But above all, it's not about the behavior, it's about the heart it comes from. 

• Have the courage to look in the mirror first. HONESTLY. Before you speak into someone else's life, or even before you think you've run across a fault of theirs, look in the mirror first. For a good, long, hard, time. Take someone else's shortcoming as an opportunity to be honest before God about your own. It's funny how that changes how you see things after that. A mirror is a powerful thing. But the key is to be self-honest about it. That takes courage.

I guess it's worth noting that the "upheaval" has been more freeing than I could have imagined. It's been heart and eye-opening and I'm truly grateful for it.