It's not a dictionary word, but it crosses my mind daily now. For the majority of the last decade, each year I've had one word that was supposed to be a theme for the year. Usually God gives me the word near the end of the preceding year. Last year about this time it was "health." A timely word. I can't believe what a different person I am just one year later. It was a bit of a ride, and I'm still not 100%, but I am doing so much better. Turns out the word was about my physical health (long story).
I'm doing just so much better that now I guess God is now moving to work on me more internally. The word is "repattern." I think that's meant to address my mentality and patterns of thought around relationships, both in some specific ones as well as generally. Hitting rock bottom and then trying to climb out has uncovered this. This last year has been a process of realizing this lack of health, and I'm praying that this next year will be a process of truly dealing with all of it. I'm also realizing that process may include counseling.
There are all sorts of things that I was told or thought about myself that I believed and let shape me. Things I now "know" I'm not. I "know" because I understand these things in my head, but I'm still patterned to think them and live around them and therefore continue to be governed by narratives that are not true nor healthy. It needs to stop.
I'm not sure what exactly this looks like in the bigger picture. I do know that on a practical level it means not capitulating when I shouldn't, not apologizing and accepting responsibility for things that are not mine, not enabling, etc., but still doing all of these things with grace, nuance, and compassion. I have no idea how to get there. I just know that I can't stay here. I've been living in this unhealthy for so long and I am done. I want Jesus, I want His Economy to come and His Will be done--and I will work for it.
I heard someone say today that the kind of love we're called to, "agape" love, is a commitment to help someone become the best version of themselves they can become. That definition necessarily includes Christ because there's no other way to become that. That's what I want to do. Really, it's what I've always wanted but the patterns I've fallen into preclude that so I must be re-coded.
Here goes.
I'm doing just so much better that now I guess God is now moving to work on me more internally. The word is "repattern." I think that's meant to address my mentality and patterns of thought around relationships, both in some specific ones as well as generally. Hitting rock bottom and then trying to climb out has uncovered this. This last year has been a process of realizing this lack of health, and I'm praying that this next year will be a process of truly dealing with all of it. I'm also realizing that process may include counseling.
There are all sorts of things that I was told or thought about myself that I believed and let shape me. Things I now "know" I'm not. I "know" because I understand these things in my head, but I'm still patterned to think them and live around them and therefore continue to be governed by narratives that are not true nor healthy. It needs to stop.
I'm not sure what exactly this looks like in the bigger picture. I do know that on a practical level it means not capitulating when I shouldn't, not apologizing and accepting responsibility for things that are not mine, not enabling, etc., but still doing all of these things with grace, nuance, and compassion. I have no idea how to get there. I just know that I can't stay here. I've been living in this unhealthy for so long and I am done. I want Jesus, I want His Economy to come and His Will be done--and I will work for it.
I heard someone say today that the kind of love we're called to, "agape" love, is a commitment to help someone become the best version of themselves they can become. That definition necessarily includes Christ because there's no other way to become that. That's what I want to do. Really, it's what I've always wanted but the patterns I've fallen into preclude that so I must be re-coded.
Here goes.
1 comment:
Amen!
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