This Is Worship Too.

I’m in the throes of 2L year and I’m feeling as if I’m lost in everything and all the work that means.

I hate that, I feel as if I’m functioning and fine, but not necessarily “alive” the way I am when I’m in closer connection with God and the people I love around me.

On one hand, it's so true that I struggle with the mundane. God knows that. I mean, He created the big picture mentality that I live in. But I also want to learn to do the mundane and do it well. More than that, I want to get really good at not losing my relationship with Him meanwhile. I hate feeling disconnected. I hate it. Even when I can feel His presence all of the time, it's not the same as spending quality time and connecting with Him. It seriously like any other relationship. It's like the difference between knowing the fact that someone is in your presence all of the time in whatever you do and actually doing all of those things with them. There is a bridge to this in the midst of busy that I haven’t yet learned how to effectively construct. God help me.

And then there's the fact that it's so hard to invest in people with the lack of TIME that law school presents. I have to be so intentional about where and with whom I spend my time in order to stay sane and physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually--all those different brands of...healthy. 

There are these girls I'd love to invest in at church. I'd love to teach them to read better, introduce them to some of the stories of the world, of faith. But I am praying about it, I need to be sure it's right and that the time will be provided. And then there's the people at school. I think I finally realized this morning that that's not where I'm called relationally and that's okay. But still, I wish there was all the time in the world to get involved. 

There are other profound needs at church too. This community on the Eastside of St. Paul is literally shooting each other up. And I'm sitting in class. I hate that.

But one the other hand, these thoughts run through my heart and mind, but then it strikes me: this has to be worship too. God asked me to do this. It is worship too, even if it’s not the kind I prefer.

It’s worship to get up every morning and do assignment after assignment and fill my mind with the law I’ve been given to study—that He's tasked me to study. And I have to remember this: it's worship because God has asked me to do it. I don't get to decide how and where I most effectively worship my Maker and where He needs me most. He does. Even if it doesn't feel like I'm working for the Kingdom as I'm reading word after word, sentence after sentence and then page after page of legalese it is worship because He asked me to do it. And obedience is always worship. 

I'm tearful as I write that because it so conflicts with my desire and sensibilities of what it looks like to deeply love the community I live in. That I've been placed in. It's so counterintuitive to think that this is how God has called me to love right now. He's called me to cultivate my mind in legal framework because, somehow, in the long term I will love better having gained this knowledge and experience. And He knows that my short-term community involvement will be curtailed in the meantime so that I will be able to love more powerfully and uniquely in the long-term. For the greater Kingdom good. God willing. I have to believe this and come back to it because right now I feel like a crappy friend, a crappy sister, daughter...whatever. 

That said, on the bright side in the last week or so I’ve begun to notice that I really have learned some stuff. Like, I can see how some of the stuff I’ve been studying has sunk in and I am seeing how it fits into the world around me. That means the synthesis of knowledge has begun—only begun—but nonetheless it feels good. It feels as if, finally, maybe this is all not for naught. I can't even begin to imagine where this is going, but I can begin and continue to trust. To be intentional, and to keep...reading.

And I will.