I was at the local "pub" last night with some friends. It was relatively uneventful in our corner of the pub, except that I happened to have a straight shot view of a more "lively" group across the room.
When I came to meet my friends and sat down, the group across from us was just moving in as well across the way, and it became quickly apparent that at least one of the two girls in the group was incredibly inebriated. Soon, while we were began to take advantage of the trivia game cards in front of us, the girl began to loudly describe a bug bite that she had, and then proceeded to show everyone. In the process I saw parts of her I didn't need to. Later she and the other girl ended up making out upon request of yet another group in the room.
We were all appalled, me probably the most since I was sitting directly across from them. I was thinking violent thoughts (not really--I just wanted to punch her) and all the things I could say to tell the girl off came to mind. I didn't. We just left without really finishing the conversation we were trying to have.
And then I thought about it later. I could have really probably started a brawl--Exhibit A was wasted. Or at least a chick fight. I wanted to go up and give them a piece or three of my mind, because we didn't pay to see that...yadda, yadda. Then I thought about how that would never fix anything, it would just make me feel better and release a little anger.
Additionally, if I had really wanted to help reinstate some decency in the local pub for the evening (and might I just reinforce what a typically low key place this is...)--and besides going to the bartender and getting them kicked out--I could have approached the girl completely differently. Something like "you know, that's a really cute top that you have, do you think you could put it back on so that we could appreciate it?" I don't know, something to that effect. With the correct and calm delivery, probably she would have felt a little bit bad and calmed down. Who knows though, she was drunk.
I was just hypothesizing about the situation afterward because I was thinking about how we just left the situation instead of saying something--which was definitely the right thing to do, but not what my gut reaction wanted to do. And then I was thinking about how many times in growing up did my mother remind me that "a soft answer turns away wrath." And it's so true!!! Never growing up did getting pissed and spouting off angry words really get me what I want. However taking the time to collect myself and respond instead of react more than likely did. Unless I was still out of line even after I calmed down...which never happened. And sometimes just not saying anything at all is the best thing. Point in case.
So then, of course, this train of thought led to the mental question of, what is the root problem here? And honestly, I've never known of any interpersonal problem that couldn't be traced back to either miscommunication or pride. This one was, I think, a combination of both.
The said girl was acting the way she was because of an ultimate "Unanswered Question" in her life. It's classic. My reaction to her was pride, due to an overdeveloped sense of injustice. If I had gone over there, she probably would have told me off right back and who knows how things could have escalated.
Though the question of my pride is surely self explanatory, let me explain Girl's issue here. John and Stasi Eldredge, in their books "Wild at Heart" and "Captivating" do a really good job of outlining humanity's "Ultimate Question", and that is: am I loved? Now, this question manifests itself differently in men than in women. For women, their lifelong, often very deep seated question is, am I beautiful? And, am I treasured? This question is often answered by a girls father at a young age. Yay or nay. Society does it's job trying to answer it too--by saying "you're never beautiful enough". Things get really ugly, no pun intended.
A woman acting out and not seemingly having any self-respect usually makes more sense in light of this Question. Really, last night is no exception. I have a choice: I can have compassion for the root problem and see the situation last night as symptomatic of something far deeper, or I can get angry at the symptoms and react to them internally (or externally, I guess) and not think about the deeper issue.
It kind of seems like I did both, though internally. But I ran across this in reading this morning:
Therefore you are inexcusable... whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.
Ouch. Maybe what happened last night wasn't right, but neither was how I wanted to deal with it. I'm glad I wasn't the only one there and that we just ended up leaving instead of my mouth running off on the subject.
Anyway, I hope my new friend made it to work alright this morning and her hangover wasn't too bad. And I hope that she'll know someday that she's beautiful.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Frustrated
Frustrated.
That's what I am. I don't know if I can entirely articulate it, but I'm going to try.
This summer was hard. Someone asked me to describe the summer in a word, and that's the word I attributed to it, hands down. "Hard" doesn't mean necessarily "bad", but it is what it is.
I had a conversation this summer with another friend, Brandy, who is in her early 30s about how my close friends and I tend to analyze ourselves to the nth degree. She said that that's what you do in your 20s--you figure out who you are, and then when you get to your 30s you just be it. I'm excited for that part of my third decade.
So, as with anything remotely difficult in life, and in being home I've naturally launched in to a time of processing and soul searching (OK, so it sounds dramatic but hopefully I'm getting the point across). I feel like I've been on the verge of tears since I left Alaska. I've also begun to feel a little bit like Derek Zoolander when he picked up his minuscule excuse of a phone and inquired into it: "who am I?" Hilarious, but there it is. And it's funny because I've always paid lip service to the fact that I don't like to be "put in a box" but I've always loved personality tests and such. And even more ironically, right now would like very much to be put in a little box so that I could at least understand myself. I mean what is going on?
So, I did a couple of online ones. The personality tests I mean. They're great, I highly recommend them--just don't pay for 'em. Don't ever pay for boxes. That's one of my mottos.
The first one was a work related one--like, about how one behaves/what one needs in the workplace. It pegged me. That felt good. It told me that I'm a "Rational", and here goes the explanation (emphasis mine--and really, feel free not to plug through this whole thing):
Rationals are the problem solving temperament, particularly if the problem has to do with the many complex systems that make up the world around us. Rationals might tackle problems in organic systems such as plants and animals, or in mechanical systems such as railroads and computers, or in social systems such as families and companies and governments. But whatever systems fire their curiosity, Rationals will analyze them to understand how they work, so they can figure out how to make them work better.
In working with problems, Rationals try to find solutions that have application in the real world, but they are even more interested in the abstract concepts involved, the fundamental principles or natural laws that underlie the particular case. And they are completely pragmatic about their ways and means of achieving their ends. Rationals don't care about being politically correct. They are interested in the most efficient solutions possible, and will listen to anyone who has something useful to teach them, while disregarding any authority or customary procedure that wastes time and resources.
Rationals have an insatiable hunger to accomplish their goals and will work tirelessly on any project they have set their mind to. They are rigorously logical and fiercely independent in their thinking -- are indeed skeptical of all ideas, even their own -- and they believe they can overcome any obstacle with their will power. Often they are seen as cold and distant, but this is really the absorbed concentration they give to whatever problem they're working on. Whether designing a skyscraper or an experiment, developing a theory or a prototype technology, building an aircraft, a corporation, or a strategic alliance, Rationals value intelligence, in themselves and others, and they pride themselves on the ingenuity they bring to their problem solving.
Rationals at Work
As a Rational, you seek to acquire and apply expertise. You thrive in an autonomous and intellectually stimulating workplace, working alongside other competent people, pursuing knowledge or creating systems. Your core need to follow the driving force of your own intelligence leads to particular career challenges. For example, recognition of your expertise may lead to your being put "in charge" of other people, as a manager, when you might prefer to remain immersed in projects of your own.
You are fascinated with developing strategic plans for others to use. In your preferred environment, you work behind the scenes while someone else takes the active leadership role. Often, you are driven to step in as leader when you become impatient with the way a project is going. In your ideal job, you independently analyze systems and make recommendations about how objectives will best be reached; someone else does the work of delegating work, motivating people, or enforcing work duties. You want challenge in your work and become frustrated when asked to merely follow routines, especially if those routines are inefficient.
It felt good to start climbing into a little box for once, and if anything it sure shed a lot of light on this last summer on the train.
I'm pretty sure the "Rational" personality toward which I lean is an ENTP, but I'll spare you the actual insertion of that profile. (Insert wink with link...) In short, this part of the examination told me that I must always be learning. No surprise there. It said also that in relationships:
"ENTP's goals...are similar to their other personal goals: improvement and growth. They constantly ask themselves questions such as: How can the relationship be improved? Where is the relationship headed? Am I growing in the relationship? They are likely to enthusiastically embrace new ideas and projects for themselves and their [partners] which they feel will propel them along their goal for growth and knowledge discovery. The ENTP's general enthusiasiam and good intentions are usually quite positive and healthful in a relationship."
Also, one website mentioned that this personality type tends to point out weaknesses and shortcomings in loved ones, not in malice, but in effort to be helpful--because they are so goal-oriented and bent on making things better. It's not often appreciated. This is so me. I do this because I crave the same from those I do this to. Does that even make sense? A former friend once told me I was a "sharp-tongued woman". I wish I'd believed him when he first told me.
I began to notice the goal-oriented part about myself this last year. I realized that must always have a goal or end in my life of some sort toward which I am working. The goal can change, even frequently, but I have to be headed somewhere. This goes for all areas of my life. And this drive has origin not just in my personality, but has an profound spiritual dimension to it. I want to be who I'm supposed to be, and am driven to become so.
For these reason, I not only crave but almost require input in my life from those I respect. Input on any and everything. I thrive on it, instead of dread it like, apparently, many. I guess this isn't typical, and I need to know that--and know it in a way that works itself out into my life and the way I interact with others: those I love so much, and even those I don't. I can come off as cold and aloof. That just means I'm thinking, I do that a lot. But I need to learn to portray what's in my heart, because a far-off froideur is not it.
I both love this and hate this innate "drivenness" about myself. Yeah, I guess it's admirable that I'm so driven to be a better person and that I'm open to criticism, but I despise as well the fact that I'm so forward moving. I'm really hard on myself as a result and get bored with people who aren't the same way. These same people who are probably panting behind me just trying to keep up.
I live this tension of logic and emotion. I'm a woman, so inherently emotional, but severely logical at the same time. And my objectivity needs to become more balanced by the emotional side of me, I guess.
I'm learning. I hope I'll get there. I'm grateful for this web-based heads up on who I'm am. Reasons don't equal excuses. It's good to have reasons for who I am, but they'll never be excuses. Meanwhile I'll keep working at it, it's a promise. It's a goal, right? And I'm sorry to those of you I've hurt meanwhile--you know who you are. Just know it was never intentional. And to those same people, I hope this all even makes sense. Forgive me.
So, I guess for now, I'll go put another pot of coffee on and keep brewing. And praying. And I'll use this time off, I guess, to be productive and get some reading done. Since apparently I can't even relax without accomplishing something! Hélas, Les Misèrables awaits me.
That's what I am. I don't know if I can entirely articulate it, but I'm going to try.
This summer was hard. Someone asked me to describe the summer in a word, and that's the word I attributed to it, hands down. "Hard" doesn't mean necessarily "bad", but it is what it is.
I had a conversation this summer with another friend, Brandy, who is in her early 30s about how my close friends and I tend to analyze ourselves to the nth degree. She said that that's what you do in your 20s--you figure out who you are, and then when you get to your 30s you just be it. I'm excited for that part of my third decade.
So, as with anything remotely difficult in life, and in being home I've naturally launched in to a time of processing and soul searching (OK, so it sounds dramatic but hopefully I'm getting the point across). I feel like I've been on the verge of tears since I left Alaska. I've also begun to feel a little bit like Derek Zoolander when he picked up his minuscule excuse of a phone and inquired into it: "who am I?" Hilarious, but there it is. And it's funny because I've always paid lip service to the fact that I don't like to be "put in a box" but I've always loved personality tests and such. And even more ironically, right now would like very much to be put in a little box so that I could at least understand myself. I mean what is going on?
So, I did a couple of online ones. The personality tests I mean. They're great, I highly recommend them--just don't pay for 'em. Don't ever pay for boxes. That's one of my mottos.
The first one was a work related one--like, about how one behaves/what one needs in the workplace. It pegged me. That felt good. It told me that I'm a "Rational", and here goes the explanation (emphasis mine--and really, feel free not to plug through this whole thing):
Rationals are the problem solving temperament, particularly if the problem has to do with the many complex systems that make up the world around us. Rationals might tackle problems in organic systems such as plants and animals, or in mechanical systems such as railroads and computers, or in social systems such as families and companies and governments. But whatever systems fire their curiosity, Rationals will analyze them to understand how they work, so they can figure out how to make them work better.
In working with problems, Rationals try to find solutions that have application in the real world, but they are even more interested in the abstract concepts involved, the fundamental principles or natural laws that underlie the particular case. And they are completely pragmatic about their ways and means of achieving their ends. Rationals don't care about being politically correct. They are interested in the most efficient solutions possible, and will listen to anyone who has something useful to teach them, while disregarding any authority or customary procedure that wastes time and resources.
Rationals have an insatiable hunger to accomplish their goals and will work tirelessly on any project they have set their mind to. They are rigorously logical and fiercely independent in their thinking -- are indeed skeptical of all ideas, even their own -- and they believe they can overcome any obstacle with their will power. Often they are seen as cold and distant, but this is really the absorbed concentration they give to whatever problem they're working on. Whether designing a skyscraper or an experiment, developing a theory or a prototype technology, building an aircraft, a corporation, or a strategic alliance, Rationals value intelligence, in themselves and others, and they pride themselves on the ingenuity they bring to their problem solving.
Rationals at Work
As a Rational, you seek to acquire and apply expertise. You thrive in an autonomous and intellectually stimulating workplace, working alongside other competent people, pursuing knowledge or creating systems. Your core need to follow the driving force of your own intelligence leads to particular career challenges. For example, recognition of your expertise may lead to your being put "in charge" of other people, as a manager, when you might prefer to remain immersed in projects of your own.
You are fascinated with developing strategic plans for others to use. In your preferred environment, you work behind the scenes while someone else takes the active leadership role. Often, you are driven to step in as leader when you become impatient with the way a project is going. In your ideal job, you independently analyze systems and make recommendations about how objectives will best be reached; someone else does the work of delegating work, motivating people, or enforcing work duties. You want challenge in your work and become frustrated when asked to merely follow routines, especially if those routines are inefficient.
It felt good to start climbing into a little box for once, and if anything it sure shed a lot of light on this last summer on the train.
I'm pretty sure the "Rational" personality toward which I lean is an ENTP, but I'll spare you the actual insertion of that profile. (Insert wink with link...) In short, this part of the examination told me that I must always be learning. No surprise there. It said also that in relationships:
"ENTP's goals...are similar to their other personal goals: improvement and growth. They constantly ask themselves questions such as: How can the relationship be improved? Where is the relationship headed? Am I growing in the relationship? They are likely to enthusiastically embrace new ideas and projects for themselves and their [partners] which they feel will propel them along their goal for growth and knowledge discovery. The ENTP's general enthusiasiam and good intentions are usually quite positive and healthful in a relationship."
Also, one website mentioned that this personality type tends to point out weaknesses and shortcomings in loved ones, not in malice, but in effort to be helpful--because they are so goal-oriented and bent on making things better. It's not often appreciated. This is so me. I do this because I crave the same from those I do this to. Does that even make sense? A former friend once told me I was a "sharp-tongued woman". I wish I'd believed him when he first told me.
I began to notice the goal-oriented part about myself this last year. I realized that must always have a goal or end in my life of some sort toward which I am working. The goal can change, even frequently, but I have to be headed somewhere. This goes for all areas of my life. And this drive has origin not just in my personality, but has an profound spiritual dimension to it. I want to be who I'm supposed to be, and am driven to become so.
For these reason, I not only crave but almost require input in my life from those I respect. Input on any and everything. I thrive on it, instead of dread it like, apparently, many. I guess this isn't typical, and I need to know that--and know it in a way that works itself out into my life and the way I interact with others: those I love so much, and even those I don't. I can come off as cold and aloof. That just means I'm thinking, I do that a lot. But I need to learn to portray what's in my heart, because a far-off froideur is not it.
I both love this and hate this innate "drivenness" about myself. Yeah, I guess it's admirable that I'm so driven to be a better person and that I'm open to criticism, but I despise as well the fact that I'm so forward moving. I'm really hard on myself as a result and get bored with people who aren't the same way. These same people who are probably panting behind me just trying to keep up.
I live this tension of logic and emotion. I'm a woman, so inherently emotional, but severely logical at the same time. And my objectivity needs to become more balanced by the emotional side of me, I guess.
I'm learning. I hope I'll get there. I'm grateful for this web-based heads up on who I'm am. Reasons don't equal excuses. It's good to have reasons for who I am, but they'll never be excuses. Meanwhile I'll keep working at it, it's a promise. It's a goal, right? And I'm sorry to those of you I've hurt meanwhile--you know who you are. Just know it was never intentional. And to those same people, I hope this all even makes sense. Forgive me.
So, I guess for now, I'll go put another pot of coffee on and keep brewing. And praying. And I'll use this time off, I guess, to be productive and get some reading done. Since apparently I can't even relax without accomplishing something! Hélas, Les Misèrables awaits me.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
L'avenir?
Qu'est-ce que je deviens, Seigneur? Qu'est-ce que je vais être, un jour, Dieu?
Je ne sais quoi--absolumment rien--par rapport à cela, je pense. Mais j'y reflèchis parfois.
Et j'y reflèchis, Père, parce que je veux tant devenir cela, ce que tu as pour moi. Je ne veux rien manquer. Ce sont peut-être des grandes choses que tu veux pour moi et je ne veux rien manque. C'est une vraie possibilité, ça. Ne me laisse pas dériver de votre voie. Je serais crevée.
Ce que je serais, je sais, n'arrivera pas sans "approche" et sans le jour par jour dans votre Espirit. Comme on dit en anglais, Rôme n'était pas costruite dans un jour. C'est moi. Ne me laisse pas l'oublier. Je suis completement à Toi.
Je ne sais quoi--absolumment rien--par rapport à cela, je pense. Mais j'y reflèchis parfois.
Et j'y reflèchis, Père, parce que je veux tant devenir cela, ce que tu as pour moi. Je ne veux rien manquer. Ce sont peut-être des grandes choses que tu veux pour moi et je ne veux rien manque. C'est une vraie possibilité, ça. Ne me laisse pas dériver de votre voie. Je serais crevée.
Ce que je serais, je sais, n'arrivera pas sans "approche" et sans le jour par jour dans votre Espirit. Comme on dit en anglais, Rôme n'était pas costruite dans un jour. C'est moi. Ne me laisse pas l'oublier. Je suis completement à Toi.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
In Crazy Flux
So, this is where I'm at for the moment: I'm finishing up at Grand Targhee Ski & Summer Resort as a server at the Targhee Steakhouse in the next couple of days. I'm flying home in two days, and leaving from PDX the next morning to fly to Florida and hopefully get on a cruise for a week(ish). I'll then have a week, yes ONE week at "home" before I begin to head up to Alaska again. A four to five day road trip with a friend and some frost eaves and then I'm on to the next adventure. Which should be just quite such a thing. I'm going back to work for the same company as last year, but I'm going to the manager. I'm experiencing, really, equal parts of excitement and freaking out about this new position, but that's another thing entirely.
I was telling a friend this morning the story of how I ended up at Targhee on the way up the hill to work this morning. I laughed when I realized kind of how crazy it all sounded because it was so last minute and spur of the moment. It was so God too.
I laughed, yes, but I'm also really grateful. I'm grateful not only for the experience that I've had being here in Driggs, ID, but also for how far I've come. And then, I'm also convicted à la fois about how far I have to go.
About 3 years ago, when my brother Jesse went into the Marines I was suddenly thrust into keen awareness of how much I found my security in my family. This became apparent through the absence of my brother and I took him leaving really hard. No really, I cried for six months about the whole thing. We were so close. I remember feeling kind of stupid that it had hit me so hard, but I really learned that different people just feel things differently. And I also learned that my source of security was horizontal not vertical.
During one tearful conversation with God , I remember how tenderly he told me and brought the point home that He wanted to be my source of security. My "all in all" to use the recently-become-slightly-cliché phrase. Though it may not seem like it relates, I remember at the time this verse often coming to mind:
For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain. Philippians 1:21
That's where he wants me to be. My dad once wisely said that every human being has two basic needs: significance and security. This statement of Paul's answers to both of those. I have always significance in Him, but I needed to find my security completely in Him as well. The next couple of years was a long and painful journey to begin learning that, and today I was grateful for how far I'd come, just thiking about these past few months. I now travel so much, and work seasonally, and am able to enjoy it so much because my security is becoming found in my Father. But I've still got so far to go.
I was reading someone else's blog today that kind of touched on the same kind of thing. He inserted a really pertinent and convicting excerpt from a book called The Nature Of God: Upgrading Your Image of God and Who He wants to be for You, by Graham Cooke. I might have to get my hands on it:
“Whenever we move into a new spiritual dimension of our calling and our ministry, we must take the time to upgrade our relationship with God. Our calling comes at different levels at different times; it is a progressive journey of discovery. When God takes us into the next phase of our calling, our relationship with Him must also change.
Throughout our lives, we will enter into many different phases and experiences. It might be a marriage or the birth of a child, a significant work promotion, a new responsibility, a new ministry, or any other type of change. In seasons like that, we must take the time to upgrade our peace and rest in the Lord. If we enter a new situation without fully immersing ourselves in the stillness of God, we will live on our adrenaline and not out of our spirit. This power boost may seem sufficient at the moment, but for every adrenaline high, there is also an adrenaline low. We cannot sustain that needed adrenaline rush over the long term. Eventually, our energy will wither away and the new season will overwhelm us. We must learn to live in a place of rest in the spirit.
Every experience of God, even resting in Him, should enable us to see Him in a different light. Therefore, we need to constantly re-evaluate our relationship with Him and take a deeper look at our walk with Him. We must critically examine our current picture of God and determine whether it is strong enough for the next stage of our life and call. If it’s not, the stress that we will experience will put pressure on us to quit or scale down our involvement in the new seasons of our lives. That same battle fatigue causes us to shrink back from the challenges facing us. Exhausted, we will talk ourselves out of taking the risks necessary to advance the Kingdom of God. God has given us the ability to live under His wing – we must recognize that we exist within the safety of His love and grace, and not on our own.
I cannot emphasize this enough – every time we are led into a new phase of our journey, we must take time to upgrade our image of God. We can travel confidently into any new experience, no matter how challenging or difficult, in our relationship with Him. God wants to build up your confidence right now, taking it to a whole new dimension.
When we enter a new season it is important to ask ourselves relevant questions regarding its likely impact on all of our relationships and current responsibilities. Present levels of stress will need to be adjusted in the light of deeper peace and rest that will be required on the next leg of the journey.
Change is much better if it is gradual rather than a large overwhelming transformation requiring immediate extensive attention. The two questions required of us in a consistent basis are found in Acts 2, verses 12 and 37:
What does this mean?
What must we do?
How will these adjustments affect our relationship with God and one another? How will this new season deepen my love, joy and peace in the Holy Spirit?
We need to gain a fresh and more powerful image of the nature of God. We need to practice our peace and our patience so that we can break through, in harmony with others, into a new dimension of the Spirit.” (Pages 11-13; emphasis mine)
Wow. This is where I'm at. Or rather, what I need to be doing. This is what I did not do before heading to Alaska last summer. And most of all right now, this is what I'm a little bit of a loss as to how to start doing.
So, this is my prayer:
Father,
Show me how to update my view of you. I struggle at times to connect you with my everyday experiences and relationship and with compartmentalizing my spirituality apart from the rest of the areas of my life. I want infusion of your Spirit into every last facet of my life, and show me where to begin on this journey. You're becoming my security. I want to get to that place, God, where to live is You and to die is gain. I'm changing, my life is changing a lot these days. Let me relationship with you not lag, but be where it needs to be to grow. Let my growth in You not be stunted by my weakness in struggling to spend time with you and focus on You, and what you're doing. Let me not forget to tremble.
-T. Emerson
I was telling a friend this morning the story of how I ended up at Targhee on the way up the hill to work this morning. I laughed when I realized kind of how crazy it all sounded because it was so last minute and spur of the moment. It was so God too.
I laughed, yes, but I'm also really grateful. I'm grateful not only for the experience that I've had being here in Driggs, ID, but also for how far I've come. And then, I'm also convicted à la fois about how far I have to go.
About 3 years ago, when my brother Jesse went into the Marines I was suddenly thrust into keen awareness of how much I found my security in my family. This became apparent through the absence of my brother and I took him leaving really hard. No really, I cried for six months about the whole thing. We were so close. I remember feeling kind of stupid that it had hit me so hard, but I really learned that different people just feel things differently. And I also learned that my source of security was horizontal not vertical.
During one tearful conversation with God , I remember how tenderly he told me and brought the point home that He wanted to be my source of security. My "all in all" to use the recently-become-slightly-cliché phrase. Though it may not seem like it relates, I remember at the time this verse often coming to mind:
For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain. Philippians 1:21
That's where he wants me to be. My dad once wisely said that every human being has two basic needs: significance and security. This statement of Paul's answers to both of those. I have always significance in Him, but I needed to find my security completely in Him as well. The next couple of years was a long and painful journey to begin learning that, and today I was grateful for how far I'd come, just thiking about these past few months. I now travel so much, and work seasonally, and am able to enjoy it so much because my security is becoming found in my Father. But I've still got so far to go.
I was reading someone else's blog today that kind of touched on the same kind of thing. He inserted a really pertinent and convicting excerpt from a book called The Nature Of God: Upgrading Your Image of God and Who He wants to be for You, by Graham Cooke. I might have to get my hands on it:
“Whenever we move into a new spiritual dimension of our calling and our ministry, we must take the time to upgrade our relationship with God. Our calling comes at different levels at different times; it is a progressive journey of discovery. When God takes us into the next phase of our calling, our relationship with Him must also change.
Throughout our lives, we will enter into many different phases and experiences. It might be a marriage or the birth of a child, a significant work promotion, a new responsibility, a new ministry, or any other type of change. In seasons like that, we must take the time to upgrade our peace and rest in the Lord. If we enter a new situation without fully immersing ourselves in the stillness of God, we will live on our adrenaline and not out of our spirit. This power boost may seem sufficient at the moment, but for every adrenaline high, there is also an adrenaline low. We cannot sustain that needed adrenaline rush over the long term. Eventually, our energy will wither away and the new season will overwhelm us. We must learn to live in a place of rest in the spirit.
Every experience of God, even resting in Him, should enable us to see Him in a different light. Therefore, we need to constantly re-evaluate our relationship with Him and take a deeper look at our walk with Him. We must critically examine our current picture of God and determine whether it is strong enough for the next stage of our life and call. If it’s not, the stress that we will experience will put pressure on us to quit or scale down our involvement in the new seasons of our lives. That same battle fatigue causes us to shrink back from the challenges facing us. Exhausted, we will talk ourselves out of taking the risks necessary to advance the Kingdom of God. God has given us the ability to live under His wing – we must recognize that we exist within the safety of His love and grace, and not on our own.
I cannot emphasize this enough – every time we are led into a new phase of our journey, we must take time to upgrade our image of God. We can travel confidently into any new experience, no matter how challenging or difficult, in our relationship with Him. God wants to build up your confidence right now, taking it to a whole new dimension.
When we enter a new season it is important to ask ourselves relevant questions regarding its likely impact on all of our relationships and current responsibilities. Present levels of stress will need to be adjusted in the light of deeper peace and rest that will be required on the next leg of the journey.
Change is much better if it is gradual rather than a large overwhelming transformation requiring immediate extensive attention. The two questions required of us in a consistent basis are found in Acts 2, verses 12 and 37:
What does this mean?
What must we do?
How will these adjustments affect our relationship with God and one another? How will this new season deepen my love, joy and peace in the Holy Spirit?
We need to gain a fresh and more powerful image of the nature of God. We need to practice our peace and our patience so that we can break through, in harmony with others, into a new dimension of the Spirit.” (Pages 11-13; emphasis mine)
Wow. This is where I'm at. Or rather, what I need to be doing. This is what I did not do before heading to Alaska last summer. And most of all right now, this is what I'm a little bit of a loss as to how to start doing.
So, this is my prayer:
Father,
Show me how to update my view of you. I struggle at times to connect you with my everyday experiences and relationship and with compartmentalizing my spirituality apart from the rest of the areas of my life. I want infusion of your Spirit into every last facet of my life, and show me where to begin on this journey. You're becoming my security. I want to get to that place, God, where to live is You and to die is gain. I'm changing, my life is changing a lot these days. Let me relationship with you not lag, but be where it needs to be to grow. Let my growth in You not be stunted by my weakness in struggling to spend time with you and focus on You, and what you're doing. Let me not forget to tremble.
-T. Emerson
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Friend
Oh this strange, curious race,
This peculiar thing called Man--
That yearns so far and reaching
To with another stand.
The state of "sole" and "self"
Has its sweet but temporal place
But remain it can't, forever
Else its goodness be effaced.
The need of a worthy companion
In its void is well perceived;
Such a requirement too delicate
To not be soon relieved.
-T. Emerson
This peculiar thing called Man--
That yearns so far and reaching
To with another stand.
The state of "sole" and "self"
Has its sweet but temporal place
But remain it can't, forever
Else its goodness be effaced.
The need of a worthy companion
In its void is well perceived;
Such a requirement too delicate
To not be soon relieved.
-T. Emerson
Friday, March 7, 2008
Existant
Wherein lay the troubled day
That awaits some deserved toil,
Of one who lives not circumspect
To the moment of all Despoil?
It lay within the very choice
That thing so called "decision":
The every instant that one takes
The path of Most Derision.
The Derision occurs not at once,
Rather every fleeting instant
That one takes in not remembering
The reason he's even existant.
-T. Emerson
That awaits some deserved toil,
Of one who lives not circumspect
To the moment of all Despoil?
It lay within the very choice
That thing so called "decision":
The every instant that one takes
The path of Most Derision.
The Derision occurs not at once,
Rather every fleeting instant
That one takes in not remembering
The reason he's even existant.
-T. Emerson
Friday, February 15, 2008
More Conclusions (May they never end).
I just finished reading The Count of Monte Cristo today. It was amazing. I know everyone says that, but it's true. I have no doubt that I'm going to be mentally chewing on these 1450 pages of French masterpiece for quite some time now that I've at last concluded it! (I've been slowing chipping away at whenever I could for about the last month, I'm a slow reader). That's good though, good literature should always make you think. I was once told that a good book, one should find, ends up reading you by the end of it, and not just the other way around. I love that feeling. This one totally does that.
There's this one thing that the Count says at the end of the book that made me think today about what I've realized this last week, I was just talking to my dad about it the other day. And, as I read it today, I found it appropriately articulated what I felt, in a way. The Count is advising a younger man--Morrel, to "hope" in life and not give into despair and the grief that gripped his life. In so doing this is what he says:
"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison or fone state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life." -Monte Cristo
Though I've not experienced anything like the grief and torment of these characters as described in the book, I can certainly appreciate the principle portrayed here. One can appreciate something more when they are familiar with it's absence or opposite in life. I just liked the way the Count put it and how it related to me (well, everyone, really).
I've realized in the last week that I'm kind of lonely. I hesitate to even use the word, because it's kind of in a good way. But I just don't know what other word to use, so there it is.
I have met a lot of new people and even continued some previous relationships in the last six weeks that I've been here. It's been so much fun and I'm so glad I came and I know I'm supposed to be here. I love it! I must confess that I don't always love the job, but that's work...it would be wrong to always love it, right? There are a few people that I've really been getting to know, and some that will be going up to Alaska with me this summer and I'm so excited for it!
I love (most) all of these people that I've met and love getting to know them, and (did I mention this already) I'm having a blast! However. It so happens, and this is kind of the cool part, that in the midst of all of this fun I'm having with my new friends and aquaintances I'm reminded of just how precious the deep relationships I have with my family and friends that I've left back home and all over the country/world really are. I'm reminded acutely of how blessed I am to have the friends I already have.
Building new relationships has gotten increasingly difficult for me over the last few years. It's really not for lack of skill or ability to do it, I think it's more for lack of desire. I don't know if that's wrong. I love people, don't misunderstand me, but I love being at a certain level in a friendship more than I love getting there. I hope that makes sense. But you just can't get there instantaneously, it of course takes time, and maybe it's just that I'm impatient. That's probably it. And that's where I'm at and what I'm doing at the moment.
I can say that I am so excited about going back to Alaska this summer. And I'm excited because I already have relationships up there. Good ones, I feel, that I cannot wait to continue. And even more, I'm bringing some long time friends up there with me that I love dearly. I'm so excited! I kind of feel like last summer was the pioneer part (hard, yes), and I hope that this year and the ones to come, hopefully, will continue to reap the benefits of that. I can't wait.
But I will wait. Because there's a season for anything. And I don't want to waste my time here looking forward to the summer and not appreciate my time here. I'm working at a freaking ski resort! That's awesome! I want to live for the moment in proportion to how much I look forward to the future. I'm not gonna miss out on the reasons I'm here, and the relationships that I'm building right now. I'd regret that. Who knows where any of them could lead?
I'm just going to enjoy this season of getting to know new people and appreciate the fact that it allows me to also appreciate those that I already have in my life.
Thanks, God. :-)
There's this one thing that the Count says at the end of the book that made me think today about what I've realized this last week, I was just talking to my dad about it the other day. And, as I read it today, I found it appropriately articulated what I felt, in a way. The Count is advising a younger man--Morrel, to "hope" in life and not give into despair and the grief that gripped his life. In so doing this is what he says:
"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison or fone state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life." -Monte Cristo
Though I've not experienced anything like the grief and torment of these characters as described in the book, I can certainly appreciate the principle portrayed here. One can appreciate something more when they are familiar with it's absence or opposite in life. I just liked the way the Count put it and how it related to me (well, everyone, really).
I've realized in the last week that I'm kind of lonely. I hesitate to even use the word, because it's kind of in a good way. But I just don't know what other word to use, so there it is.
I have met a lot of new people and even continued some previous relationships in the last six weeks that I've been here. It's been so much fun and I'm so glad I came and I know I'm supposed to be here. I love it! I must confess that I don't always love the job, but that's work...it would be wrong to always love it, right? There are a few people that I've really been getting to know, and some that will be going up to Alaska with me this summer and I'm so excited for it!
I love (most) all of these people that I've met and love getting to know them, and (did I mention this already) I'm having a blast! However. It so happens, and this is kind of the cool part, that in the midst of all of this fun I'm having with my new friends and aquaintances I'm reminded of just how precious the deep relationships I have with my family and friends that I've left back home and all over the country/world really are. I'm reminded acutely of how blessed I am to have the friends I already have.
Building new relationships has gotten increasingly difficult for me over the last few years. It's really not for lack of skill or ability to do it, I think it's more for lack of desire. I don't know if that's wrong. I love people, don't misunderstand me, but I love being at a certain level in a friendship more than I love getting there. I hope that makes sense. But you just can't get there instantaneously, it of course takes time, and maybe it's just that I'm impatient. That's probably it. And that's where I'm at and what I'm doing at the moment.
I can say that I am so excited about going back to Alaska this summer. And I'm excited because I already have relationships up there. Good ones, I feel, that I cannot wait to continue. And even more, I'm bringing some long time friends up there with me that I love dearly. I'm so excited! I kind of feel like last summer was the pioneer part (hard, yes), and I hope that this year and the ones to come, hopefully, will continue to reap the benefits of that. I can't wait.
But I will wait. Because there's a season for anything. And I don't want to waste my time here looking forward to the summer and not appreciate my time here. I'm working at a freaking ski resort! That's awesome! I want to live for the moment in proportion to how much I look forward to the future. I'm not gonna miss out on the reasons I'm here, and the relationships that I'm building right now. I'd regret that. Who knows where any of them could lead?
I'm just going to enjoy this season of getting to know new people and appreciate the fact that it allows me to also appreciate those that I already have in my life.
Thanks, God. :-)
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